Holt chuckles from atop his horse as he slides up next to me.
“I take it I’m not the only one who will be utilizing that hot tub tonight.”
“And every night from now till New Year,” I mutter. “You know Jack would love this shit and is probably laughing hysterically at us right now.”
“No doubt.” Holt huffs, his voice weighted with the sadness we all feel every year we do this without our friend. It’s bothheartbreaking and refreshing and not something I would trade for anything in the world.
“How are you holding up?”
I side-eye Holt, brow raised. “Can I assume you’re not talking about my ass in this saddle?”
He jerks his head in the direction of the sleigh, gliding along the wide snow-laden trail to our left, and I follow his gaze.
Zach is giggling in his mother’s lap, pointing at the horses pulling the carriage. Leigh has her head tipped back, laughing at something the ranch hand steering the sleigh said.
If I had known they were going to send the Captain America of cowboys, I wouldn’t have asked Leigh to join us. Or at the very least, I would have opted to ride in the sleigh with them. Instead, I had the brilliant idea to ride this damn horse to impress Zach. Now I’m learning the hard way almost two-year-olds don’t give a shit about things like that. There’s also the realization that as much as I don’t like Leigh flirting with my friends, I really don’t like her flirting with random strangers on romantic sleigh rides.
“I’m not going to ask again.” Holt adds, “You didn’t give us much to go on last night, but anyone with eyes can see you’re spiraling. I’m just not sure if it’s towards something good or bad.”
It’s such a Holt response. Never pushing too hard or fighting for answers. He’s a firm believer in if you want to, you will.
“Is there a good spiral?” I ask, which earns me a pointed glare.
He’s not wrong. I feel like I’m a spinning top, bouncing off every wall in sight, waiting for gravity to stop me and make sense of the emotions swirling in my chest.
Last night I was too angry to give them more than the basics: Leigh and I were old acquaintances who fucked in a hotel vending machine room and may or may not have a child together. I left out the part where I ruined her life as a teenager,but they know that story and put two and two together, thanks to Enzo. Thankfully, they got the hint I didn’t want to talk and didn’t pry further. And I didn’t give them the opportunity this morning. Mostly because I’m still trying to reconcile how I was okay with her not telling me about Zach as long as I got to be a part of his life, but now that I might not be his father, I’m ready to rage.
Then there’s the fact that the sight of Leigh, with her cute freckles, blonde curls, and leggings that have no business being so damn tight, makes me harder than a fucking rock at the most inopportune moments.
Like now.
But there’s no way I’m admitting that to Holt. He’d never let me live it down that I—Bash’s playboy wingman—is hard at the mere sight of a woman.
The rest, though, he might understand.
I shift in my saddle and exhale deep from my lungs. “I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I’m not sure if it’s possible.”
“But you want her?”
As if it’s that simple.
“No. Yes.” I hesitate, trying to pinpoint exactly what it is I want, even though I know damn well what sparked a fire in my soul. I glance from the trail ahead over at Holt, my lips in a solemn line. “I want a family.”
If he’s shocked, his face doesn’t reveal it. The damn stoic bastard. If he isn’t raging, he’s practically the Dalai Lama. It’s unnerving.
Not that I expect him to be caught off guard. I might not have explicitly shared my want of a family, but the guys know how much I cherish what we have. They are my brothers as much as my twin is.
But it’s not the same.
There is something about the idea of family, one that is entirely mine and of my making. They can be everything I never had. And I can give them everything I’ve always wanted. Because that’s the thing about having your heart broken by the people who are supposed to always stand by your side. You learn what you won’t settle for and create the life you deserve.
I deserve to know my son.
I deserve a partner who will stand by my side.
Just like Zach deserves to have two parents who love him and remind him every fucking day he is the center of their world.
Holt's lips give a slight purse and gently tugs on the reins to slow down, creating more room between us and the sleigh. “That’s what you really want?”
