Page 176 of His Virgin Romance Series
“You know about what,” I said.
“I don’t want to talk about that,” she said. “Please… just leave me alone.”
“I’ll give you up to the count of five, and then I’m breaking this door down.”
“You wouldn’t?” she asked, but I could tell she was uncertain.
“Watch me,” I said confidently. “One… two… three… four—”
Just before I went with ‘five’ the door opened, and Abby stared at me with flashing eyes that were in equal parts angry and conflicted.
“What the hell do you want?” she demanded.
I walked into her room, backing Abby further into it. Then I turned around and locked her door. “Alright,” I said, turning to her. “Now what the hell went wrong today?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” I repeated, in disbelief. “You freaked out on me and ran!”
“Because I realized it was a mistake,” Abby shot back. “It was a mistake to get involved with you.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” she said, raising her voice. “You’re a brute… an egotistical brute who is prone to violence. I don’t want to get involved with someone like that.”
I found myself getting on the defensive, despite my resolve to stay calm. “Get involved?” I repeated, in a quiet voice. “Whoever said anything about getting involved? All I ever wanted from you was a good fuck.”
She winced at my words, and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest that I couldn’t immediately identify. All I knew was that I didn’t like seeing her react that way. Abby fell silent for a moment, and her blue eyes seemed to get softer and sadder. I had been trying to hurt her and apparently, I had managed to do just that. I realized suddenly what that uncomfortable stabbing feeling in my chest was. It was regret… regret that I’d hurt her that way.
“Abby,” I said softly, taking a step towards her.
She backed away from me and flinched. I froze and stared at her for a moment. “Are you scared of me?” I asked.
I saw her tense a little, but she didn’t answer me. Was it possible that she was really scared of me? I was trying to protect her… I was trying to make sure she could protect herself. Surely, she knew that I would never hurt her? Sure, I was rough with her. I was vulgar and rude and sometimes dismissive, but that was how I was with everybody. I figured she just knew that about me. But what if she was taking everything personally?
“Abby—”
“I’m not scared of you,” she said, as her eyes snapped up to meet mine. “Ok?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Ok,” I nodded.
“I just… my whole life has been a series of bad choices and shitty luck,” Abby said. “And when it comes to men… I don’t ever make the right decisions. I choose assholes that don’t treat me right. I choose men who don’t actually give a shit about me.”
I opened my mouth to tell her that that wasn’t true in my case. I did give a shit about her. But the words froze on my tongue, and I realized I had never been that honest with anyone in my life. I wasn’t used to tender words or sentimental displays of affection. I was exactly the brute that Abby said I was. I shut my mouth and waited for her to finish her thought.
“I choose dangerous men,” Abby went on. “Maybe in some twisted way I actually believe that those men will protect me. They’re strong and confident and powerful, and I assume that I will be safe with them, but it’s just not true. It was true of Walter, and it’s true of you. I’m not saying you’re like him because I don’t actually believe you are. But you are still a dangerous man, and you live a dangerous lifestyle and… I’m not interested in being used until you get sick of me.
“Because you will get sick of me at some point, right?” Abby asked. “You said it yourself… all you wanted from me was a good fuck.”
I wanted to tell her that that wasn’t true. I had only been trying to hurt her because her rejection had hurt me. But that was a little more honest than I was capable of at this point.
She was looking at me as though she expected me to say something. And I did have lots I needed to say. I just didn’t have the courage to actually say them. “I guess there’s nothing more to say then,” I said.
I wondered if it was my imagination or if Abby looked slightly disappointed. She nodded and turned away from me. I could see only her profile. With her silky waterfall of auburn hair and her light blue eye sparkling in the muted light, she definitely didn’t look like she belonged here. A part of me realized that she deserved better too. She deserved more than a man like me… a man with baggage that I would carry around with me for the rest of my life.
I was about to turn for the door when I changed my mind. “You know what… fuck that,” I said, turning back to her. “I was there this morning, and I’m pretty sure you felt everything I felt this morning. You wanted me, but something is holding you back.”
Abby glanced at me. “Yes,” she nodded, at last.
“And you’re not going to tell me what that is?”
I saw Abby’s jaw clench. “Why should I be honest with you?” she demanded. “You haven’t been honest with me.”
She did know that I had lied about the reason for my falling out with my father. She was far more perceptive than I had first realized. But I was feeling a little better because this proved that whatever stood between us was not dead yet. There was still hope. I didn’t know what that hope was for exactly, and at the moment I didn’t care to.
“Goodnight, Abby,” I said, without reply. Then I walked out of her room.
