Page 38 of My Anchor (Trio Series 1)
So I'm a chicken shit. It has been two weeks since I found out where Lee was and I am just now going to see him. The fear of rejection hanging heavily on me. The drive seems to take forever but at least it’s nice weather. I have that going for me. Hopefully, he will be going out on his boat. It’s early morning so I am counting on seeing him there right before he sets out.
There are still many boats docked when I show up. I get lucky seeing the Casanova is still tied up. So far so good, I didn't see his jeep in the lot but it is still a little early so I go sit in the car and wait.
An hour and a half later I see him pull up. The anxiety takes hold and I'm a mess. I watch as he gets out and grabs a cooler from the back. He is alone and I thank my lucky stars for that. I wait for him to get down the dock a ways then get out to follow him down.
“I see you, Linn. What do you want?” He says when he gets to the boat hauling his cooler aboard.
“I wanted to talk. If that’s okay?”
“Well get on. I want to get out of here before the morning rush starts.” He tells me while busing himself with readying the boat. I don't ask any questions I just get on taking the chance he is giving me. I find my normal spot and life jacket getting comfortable but he has other plans.
“You have been out here enough with me, come help. Unless you have forgotten everything I taught you?” he asks with that damn eyebrow raised. He is still such a handsome bastard. His short stubble has given way to a beard and his hair has gotten longer. Long enough to tie back at his nape, which is how he has it now.
“I think I can do that,” I respond getting up off my ass to go help him.
We get out into the open and start to drift. He isn't shy about breaking the silence we have been in since we started sailing.
“What do you want Linn?” He asks me again. Time to talk.
“I miss you and I needed to know if you. Or we. Could maybe, try this again?” He is quiet for a moment, a long moment that feels like it lasts years.
“No.” No? Really I came out here and went through all this for a no? Not even an explanation as to why?
“Well okay then.” I stare off into the lake and wrap my arms around myself feeling the embarrassment hit me hard.
“No we can’t start again babe, we have too much between us to do that. But I would like to start off with the air cleared between us.” This perks me up a little but I stay silent and wait for him to continue.
“I woke up one morning and found out that my wife, my wife of three years, was pregnant. I found her positive test in the garbage. I was so damned excited. We hadn't really discussed kids but right in that moment I wanted nothing more.” He takes a long breath in then lets it out. “She got home that day and I waited for her to tell me. She always liked to be the one to give whatever big news or gossip. So I stayed quiet. The next day she still said nothing. So growing impatient I asked her.” He stops again and turns so he is facing away from me. “She told me she ‘couldn't have a fucking kid’ and said the test was at least a month old. She never was much of a housekeeper, garbage would stay in the can for days. Turns out while I was away for some damn convention she went and had an abortion.” Shit that’s why what I said to him hit such a chord.
“I'm such an ass for saying that, and I would never have done something like that to you.” He nods.
“I know, but then I was so pissed and wanted to take my past hurt out on someone. You happened to be that person. Unfair I know, but I was still in a bad place. I'm sure your friend Shane could attest to that.”
“What happened with you two?” I ask the dreaded question.
“You trying to find out if I had a thing for my step sister?” He laughs a little. “No, I didn't. It was just a drunken mistake, I have yet to make a mends with her for my stupidity. She really deserved more than that. I had just left Rachel, my ex, and when I got home I drowned myself in Bourbon. She just so happened to be there at the same time pissed off about something herself. You know the rest.”
“Is your divorce final yet?”
“Yes, has been for months now. She is actually sleeping with James, my brother.” Oh damn. The look I give him must say it all. “Yeah, it’s been for a while now, found out that day I was late for the barbecue. He is the reason I looked roughed up.” Shit.
“Everything good with you guys now?”
“Nope haven't talked to him since I knocked his lights out.” He smirks, still a cocky bastard. I really don't know what to say now, but I do know he is going to ask me about my shit. I just don't know if I can tell him everything.
“I can’t be with you if you are only half in.” He changes the topic back to us.
“I don't know if I can.”
“That’s bullshit babe, and you know it. You just don't want to be. What the hell could you have done in your past that you think would send me running?”
“I just can’t alright. I don't think that you need to know every damn detail about my past in order to be with me.” Now I'm pissed, he is being unreasonable.
“Fuck I don't need to know every detail, but you hold back. You hold back your feelings, your thoughts, shit you hold back on your dreams.”
“My dreams? Seriously?”
“Yes your dreams, you really want to be a teacher?” I nod my head yes and he scoffs.
“You do fucking not. Don't get me wrong you would be a great teacher. A wonderful one. But I know you. You want to help people like you did that day we saw that mother and her child. You helped them. That’s who you are babe.” I'm a little stunned I had no idea he thought that.
“Take me to shore please.” I can’t do it, I really thought I could. I thought I could tell him how I feel but something is stopping me. Holding me back from letting go.
“You’re shutting down babe. I will take you back to the dock but you just remember you don't get to come to me anymore. This was your chance if you have something to say. Say it.” He looks at me with that face. That face pleading with me to just say it.
“Take me back to shore please,” I say again, only hear him curse under his breath. When we get to shore I all but dive off the boat and run to the car. Tears streak my face and I have to stop on the side of the road from crying so hard. “Stupid stupid stupid,” I say hitting steering wheel with my hand over and over. I should have known I couldn't do it, tell him how I feel. Now I’ve fucked up again and it really is too late.
