“Jesus Christ, Gray.”
“What?We’re both pretty fucked up.”
He gave me a look.
“Emery would totally be okay with it.”
“Great.You tell him.”
That made me grin.John-Henry had a hint of a smile around his eyes.And once more, for an instant, it felt like things were back the way they were supposed to be.
My grin faded, though, and I said, “I really fucked things up with Darnell.”
“What happened?”
“I said some awful shit to him.He said some awful shit to me, too, but—but I think I needed to hear it.Maybe not like that.I don’t know.”
“You know what to do.Take some time for both of you to cool off, and then apologize.Do the hard part, Gray.The relationship work.”
I nodded.And then I said, “I’m going to break up with him.”
John-Henry stilled.
“I didn’t even know I was going to say that,” I said.“That just popped out.”
“Okay.”
“I know everybody thinks I’m an asshole.I know everybody thinks I’m this selfish, self-absorbed fuckboy, and I don’t see how great Darnell is, and I don’t know how lucky I am.”
“We don’t think that.”But it took him a moment to say, “Gray, nobody outside a relationship can totally understand it.I really believe that.If you think you need to break up with him, that’s a decision only you can make.”
“Emery’s going to be sad.Emery loves Darnell.”
“Emery’s not in a relationship with Darnell.”He paused before saying, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know.I don’t know if there’s much to say.I mean, I learned some stuff about him that—that makes me think we’re not the right fit.Not just him, I mean.But who we both are.We’ve got this weirdly toxic perfect combination of traits.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud, but I remembered the fights, the threats, the time I’d set the bed on fire.Pushing.Pushing.Always pushing.Because it was a test.When will you leave?When will I learn you don’t love me?And Darnell, who’d never met someone he didn’t want to save, believing if he loved me enough, loved me long enough, he could save me from myself.And that was why he wouldn’t leave.And it was why we’d never get better.
The silence must have been longer than it felt because John-Henry said slowly, “Okay.But you and Darnell have been through a lot together.Have you considered therapy?”
I laughed, and then, at his shocked expression, I shook my head.“Sorry.It’s just funny.”
But the shock lingered, mixed with something like disapproval, even a hint of hurt.He was their friend too.Maybe, now, even more than I was.Because he’d always been the good guy.
“I should go,” I said.“I’m sorry.”And then I added, “You know.”
There was the tiniest gap in the conversation as his face smoothed.He even managed a smile.“For the ambush?”
“For everything.I really am sorry, John-Henry.”
He seemed to consider that for a moment.“We love you, Gray.We want you to be happy.Please tell us—tellme—if there’s something I can do to help you.”
“Sure.”And then, because I had to say something, I said, “And dude, you have to tell me what you think of the Rodeo King.”
But John-Henry didn’t smile.“Gray, why don’t you stay a while?We don’t have to keep talking if it’s upsetting you.We don’t have to do anything.We can watch TV.Relax.But I don’t think you should do anything while you’re upset.”
The funny thing, though, was that I wasn’t upset.I felt like I’d been sick for a long time, and now I was thinking clearly again.I pushed back from the counter, stood, and said, “Thanks, man, but I should go.”I tried to think of something else to say, but what come out was “Yeah.I’m going to go.”
