Page 66 of Clint & Ivy
“What’s wrong?” Shay asked me after removing my jacket and sitting with me on the couch.
“I don’t know if I can give Clint what he needs,” I mumbled as I tried to calm down.
“Was he pushy today?”
“No, he’s always patient and sweet.”
Shay smiled at my words, momentarily distracted by her pride in her boy.
Setting Hanzee loose, Elle explained, “Ivy’s family kept her health history from her.”
I watched the dog run around in a circle before racing toward Hobbs. The dogs’ excited sniffing of each other’s butts calmed me down. I just loved their little faces so much.
But then, I remembered how life was complicated. Zeroing in on something distracting wouldn’t fix things. I had to face my problems now.
“What does that mean?” Shay asked Elle and then waited for details.
When I didn’t say anything, Elle sat on my other side and explained about the birth control topic.
“What health issue do you have?” Shay asked in a soft, mom-like voice that zapped my energy.
“I was born premature,” I answered as her gray eyes hypnotized me into spilling my guts. I sank into the warmth they offered and said, “I was in the hospital for a long time. I had a hole in my heart.”
My hands went to my chest, where the faded scar reminded me every day how I was born wrong.
“My mom said I couldn’t live like other people. That’s why she kept me home,” I mumbled and then shrugged. “But she might have been wrong or exaggerating.”
“Was she someone who would lie to keep you locked away?”
“Maybe not in the beginning. When I was little, I was smaller than other kids. I was always at the doctor's office. But she also didn’t want me to do things that seemed safe, like have friends or leave the house.”
“But you have the tattoo.”
“I got it after she died.”
Elle pulled out her phone and explained, “Ivy said she hasn’t seen a doctor since her mom died. That should be our first goal. We can’t find solutions without knowing what the problem is.”
Breathing too fast, I gripped the front of my shirt and felt like my defective heart would explode.
Shay wrapped me in her arms and rocked me like a baby. “You’re okay.”
“Clint deserves better,” I mumbled against her chest.
“He deserves what he wants, and my boy has chosen you. Don’t interfere with his plans. There’s no use fighting him. He’ll just manipulate you into doing what he wants eventually.”
As much as I enjoyed Shay’s arms around me and how Elle was taking charge, I also felt exposed and judged. Back in Reno, I was lonely. I imagined making friends and having a normal life. But the person in those dreams wasn’t really me. It was a better version of myself without my scars and fears.
As I sat with Shay and Elle on the couch of this beautiful house, I started to see myself a little more clearly. I never looked in the mirror when I was undressed. I hid my scars from myself. I pretended I was normal. I taught myself how to cook, fight, and think through watching TV. But was any of it real?
The only other person to try my cooking was Uncle Dwight, and he was too out of it to know if I was a bad cook.
I had never fought anyone to test my kickboxing. When those men attacked, I never thought to fight back.
So far, with real people in the real world, I was often overwhelmed and cried too much. That cool Ivy I saw in my head hadn’t shown up yet.
But she existed. Before I sank into self-loathing, I remembered my first morning with Clint. I demanded affection. I might have gone about it all wrong, but I asked for what I wanted.
A better Ivy was somewhere inside me. But I wasn’t sure I could give her what she wanted. I didn’t know how wild I could go without destroying myself.
