“I don’t know, I just—I don’t want this to be so hard, but itis.”
I watch my siblings, and Sire nods. The look he gives me makes me feel like he knowsexactlyhow I feel. “It’s going to be hard for a while, but I promise you, Sage, it’s going to feelsomuch better and more rewarding on the days that don’t feel as hard.”
I nod in return and blink away my tears as I finish serving the small portion that I feel more comfortable with.
“However much you served is great, Sage,” August reassures me. “It doesn’t matter how much or how little it is.”
I pull in a deep breath and Lis walks me through my first bite. She tells me not to think about how much food is on the otherplate or how many calories are in the small portion I serve. My goal fornowis to just finish this part, and I do.
“Good job!” August beams.
“I’m so proud of you, Sage.” Sire goes on, and I smile at the phone as I wipe my tears.
“This feels so stupid.” I let out a broken laugh before wiping another tear. “I’m an adult. I should be able to–”
“Don’t do that,” Lis warns. “I’m an adult. Is it stupid that I want to actually die at every minor inconvenience?”
I don’t answer.
“Because that’s not an exaggeration. On my bad days, my depression actually makes me want to die when Ifinallygain the energy to get out of bed after two days, then I serve myself a bowl of fucking cereal, and when I go get milk, I realize I have none.”
Sire laughs quietly, and when she calls him an asshole, I smile at their bond, but August and I watch her with soft, identical eyes.
“How areyoudoing?” August voices.
“This isn’t about me.” Lis quickly tries to brush him off, and when Sire chimes in, she literally ignores him. “Come on, Sage, let’s try again. Serve yourself another small amount, and don’t look at how much is left on the other plate.”
I do and finish another small portion, but as I keep serving myself more, it only gets harder.
“I don’t want anymore.” I shake my head as I watch the next portion, my stomach turning.
“Okay, that’s fine—” August is cut off as Lis chimes in with her tough love.
“Why not? You just said after the last bite that you weren’t full.”
“I am now.”
“You’re not. What changed?” She pushes, and I feel my throat tightening.
“Lis, she did great. Leave her–”
“Sire, you texted me to join the call and help. I’m helping. Shut up or leave.”
He surprisingly doesn’t say anything, and I bury my face in my hands, knowing neither of the boys are going to help me out of this. Lis asks me again what’s wrong but I don’t answer as I cry silently. They wait, and it feels like forever, but they sit in silence as I get myself together and blurt out what’s been on my mind.
“They’re taking my measurements tomorrow! Ican’teat all of this food. If my measurements are bigger than my last fitting, I’m going todie.”
“Donotsay that, Sage.”
My stomach turns at the worry in August’s voice.
“Sage.”
I keep my face buried as August calls me.
“Sage.” Sire tries to get my attention now, and I let out a shaky breath before looking back at my phone.
“I promise you,” Sire starts. “Eating that plate won’t change asinglething.”
