Page 90 of Toy No More
I already feel the waterworks coming on. My lip starts to quiver uncontrollably. What the fuck was I about to do? Was I really willing to do it? “I…I feel like I’m losing my mind,” I whimper, letting it all out. Trembling, I sniff like a blubbering fool while Sadie hums and wraps her arms over my shoulders.
“Oh, sugar… No, no, it’s okay. You’re not. What’s going on, huh?” The attentive, soft way her voice sounds over me makes me feel safe, but no less stupid or hopeless.
“I don’t know anything anymore, I…”
It’s all too much.
Kobe. Jasper. The changes happening around me.
Every day. Every moment. My every thought fights relentlessly with the one next to it.
“I just couldn’t handle it. I needed relief. I wanted relief! I need a break, I…”
She pats my back gently as I burst out crying. Even resting my head against her chest and smelling the comforting aroma of her sweet hair, I can’t get a grip on myself. Faces and memories and words swirl inside my mind. Kobe’s kisses. Jasper’s cold hands as he bends me over the table. The scent of him. Of both of them. The ruthless declaration from that video. Shadows of my past suddenly making their way out of the void.
My stupid fucking past that can only reflect my miserable future.
“Hey,” I hear her say. “Hey, look at me,” she says louder, forcing me to pull back and face her. With that unwavering strength of a warrior in her eyes, Sadie presses her lips together and holds my wrists out. When I glance down at them, she twists them around to reveal her own, and my emotions tamper at the sight of those scars below each of her wrists. She guides my thumbs with hers to touch the two long slits running upward.
The scars are faded, barely noticeable unless one knows to look, but they’re there. Reminders that even someone like Sadie struggled to find her way in this cruel world. Struggled to find her strength and confidence.
Sniffling, I draw my brows together and close my eyes briefly at the sensation of the raised line under my thumb. With a shallow breath, I open them again and nod before gently guiding her hands, this time, toward my neck.
To that spot near my collarbone where a client stabbed me when I was seventeen and spoke out after he refused to pay for his session with me.
Sadie brushes against my skin tenderly, but it still makes me tremble. It was the first time I really thought I was going to die; when I was almost ready to give up, to lay there until I bled out on the dirty motel room floor.
But I didn’t. Neither did she.
There it is, finally. My feet get firmly planted on the ground and my soul snugly fills every inch of my skin. The exact feeling that I convinced myself would only be achieved by putting a needle in my arm again.
When I open my eyes briefly, I see Sadie smiling. I keep taking slow, controlled breaths and further centering myself. Her touch is pleasant. Warm. She’s here with me. I amhere. Still here, still fighting. That’s what I have to do. That’s what we promised each other.
What I promised myself.
“There you go.”
I nod again, exhaling through my mouth.
“That moment is gone,” she continues, voice grounding and smooth. “You’re here and now. You’re okay. Whatever is going on, you are in control, and youcando it.”
“Fuck… What would I do without you?” I ask with a desperate chuckle.
Sadie smirks playfully, pulling away from my neck only to rest her hands lightly over my knees. They still tremble, but only a little. “You’d find the strength either way. We both know that. You have it in you,” she says, pointing firmly at my chest until her long fingernail digs into it, right above my heart. “Do you…want to tell me what it was that triggered you?” she asks carefully after a moment of silence.
I appreciate she makes it sound like I don’t have to talk about it, because I’m not sure I have the energy to get into everything. She doesn’t even know…Ah. She doesn’t even know how damn close I’ve been getting to Kobe.
In fact, I’ve barely admitted it to myself. And it’s…already over?
That doesn’t feel right. I don’t deserve this.
“Jasper wants me to do this client. Another…big dog,” I say, lowering my gaze. Sadie is right. I’m in control. In control of how I handle all of this. Right now, I need to focus on the most pressing matter. “Another major deal that somehow won’t be guaranteed until I please him. I have a…bad feeling about this one, that’s all.”
“I wish I could take him on for you, sweetheart,” Sadie says, brushing my cheek with an empathetic grimace.
I chuckle. “I know. I know you would if you could.”
Just that knowledge makes me feel stronger. Sadie is only a human. A mother. An artist. A beautiful, wonderful, loving soul. She takes on so much, and would part mountains for an idiot like me. If she can be all that, Ihaveto try harder.
