Blaze wheezes so loudly that even the DJ gives him a side-eye.
I jab him in the ribs. “Pull it together.”
“I can’t,” he gasps, tears streaming down his face. “Holy hole. HOLY. HOLE. Bro, that’s poetry.”
“Let’s work together to get this wedding to hit a billion views!”
The influencers in the pews nod and murmur like they’ve just been blessed by the Pope of Social Media. Phones all recording, angles adjusted, and hashtags are flying. My eye twitches as I scan the attendees’ ridiculous, over-the-top outfits. Metallic suits, feathery gowns, and… a dude wearing what seems to be a functioning aquarium on his head. Yep, there are fish in there. Swimming.
Astrid finally high heels it to the altar, but not before pausing to shoot a slow-motion hair flip that sends her platinum extensions cascading in waves. The DJ drops the bass for dramatic effect.Subtle.
The rambunctious crowd eats it up while the pastor, clearing his throat, seems to already be drafting new rules for church weddings in his head. “Dearly beloved—”
Astrid, still streaming, takes my hand and we both inch closer. To the altar. To our future. To our shared lives together.Oh boy.
“WAIT!” Astrid screeches. “We have a PROBLEM.”
“What. Are. You. Doing?” I manage through gritted teeth.
She dramatically turns with her streaming phone to face the audience, now in full Kardashian ugly cry mode. “Reece, baby… I CAN’T marry you. The universe is sending me signs! My crystals did a TikTok reading. Mercury is in Gatorade! Venus just texted—‘Time to level up, babe!’ Also, my spirit guide—who’s my collab partner for crystal-infused vape pens—says I shouldn’t settle. I’m meant to be with someone else.”
The masses gasp. Somebody yells, “Oh my God, we’re going viral!”
“Astrid,” I grit out, “we’re in a church. You can’t pull pranks in church.”
“This isn’t a prank, Reece!” And there they are—the waterworks. Perfect teardrops that don’t disturb her triple-stack lashes. “I’m so sorry!”
She sprints down the aisle, her LED dress strobing, still narrating: “Besties! Sometimes the universe has other plans. Like my new breakup bundle, featuring tear-proof mascara, use code DUMPED for fifty percent off. And bitches, you better smash that subscribe button. New video tomorrow: I Left Him At The Altar And My Skin Is Literally Glowing! Link in bio for my breakup skincare routine!”
What.
The.
Algorithm exploding.
Fuck.
CHAPTER THREE
CAM
GROUP CHAT : CPK FOREVER
Me:My sex drought continues. Thanks, Astrid.
Petra:Holy fuck that wedding was a DISASTER!
Katie:Now Reece gets to see how it feels to be criticized.
Petra:Couldn't have happened to a nicer prickwad.
Me:I know he's a jerkoff, but it was brutal. Seriously awful.
Petra:NO. Do not defend that Assbag Prettyboy Fuckhole. It's payback time for the hell he's put you through.
Me:But guys, this was next-level cruel. Assholes have feelings too. I guess?
Katie:I suppose so. Even dickheads don't deserve public humiliation.
