“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying, Pandora. Is it that hard to believe? That I--”
“Whatever it is you think I am, I’m not that.” The words are strained, heavy, and too close.Too fucking close.
“Pandora--”
“I want you to remove the Marks,” I interject.
His face twists. I don’t think he could look any more pained if I’d stabbed him, and my stomach rolls. “At least the one that detects my fear.”
“Why?” he asks hoarsely.
“Because…I didn’t realize. This is going to happen a lot, and I can’t be waking you up every time…”
“Pet, if your nightmares give you that level of fear, I have no issue waking you up from them.”
“I’m asking you to take it off,” I demand.
“It doesn’t work like that. They don’t come off. Short of cutting your skin off, they’re permanent.”
My eyes widen. “Then cut them off.”
“I’m not cutting your fucking skin off, Pan. Gods. How can you even ask that of me?”
“Then I’ll get rid of them myself,” I snap.
“I’d seriously like to see you cut the skin off your back.”
“Won’t be the first time you’ve underestimated me.”
He lets out another one of those ragged sighs, dragging a hand through his hair. “I don’t understand. Are you… embarrassed?”
“Was that like a nightmare the other day when you woke up?” He immediately turns away, and I snort. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, Pandora, I do.”
“You’re wrong.” The words are barely more than a whisper.
For several seconds, there’s only the surrounding chatter, and then he heaves another breath. “Not a nightmare. It’s more like a hallucination that manifests in my magic.”
The words jog a fuzzy memory in my mind. Magical hallucinations. People in the street. The man in the Undercity fighting rats. “Ichor, that’s what’s in those vials you take. Same as those Magi in the Undercity.” I look at his face for confirmation, and he concedes a single nod without meeting my eye.
I’m so shocked he’s admitting it to me I don’t even know what to say. But he’s telling me this because he hopes I’ll share in return. I shift nervously on the log. It’s Syra’s voice I hear in my mind.Don’t you ever tell anyone the truth.
But if he’s going to be alerted every fucking time I have a nightmare, its discovery is an inevitability at this point, isn’t it? Despite my threat, I have no idea how to cut the Mark from my back. Panic tunnels my vision. The daemon ratchets with my circling emotions. Sweat collects against my forehead. I cross my arm against my chest, digging my nails into my other arm.
“Hey.”
I don’t realize I’m rocking back and forth with my growing anxiety until he reaches out, a gentle nudge to the back of my neck, hidden from everyone else. I flinch and he hastily removes his hand. When I look over to meet his gaze his eyes are soft and crinkling with concern.
“Whatever demons you have, Pan, I assure you they can be no worse than mine.”
A manic laugh spills out of me. Except my demons are quite literal.
He deserves to know.
Maybe it would be different with him.
