Page 62 of Bucked Hard
He doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “I love you,” he whispers toward the ground.
After Lacy dropped her little bombshell at the feed store, I doubted every moment with Chad. Was this some sort of sick payback?
I should have known a man like him wouldn’t be interested in me for real. Should have known there had to be some other reason. Deep down I just figured he wanted an easy fuck, right?
And now I know why his eyes seemed familiar. The eyes of someone who used to make me kiss him. Someone who used to come into my bedroom at night and make me touch myself for him as he masturbated.
Someone who told me I wanted him, that what was happening between us was real. That I wanted it to happen. That I made it happen.
I’m sure they thought I ruined their family. I did ruin their family, and now it seemed that they were getting back at me.
But now, listening to Chad say those words, my heart is telling me otherwise. And I think the world stops turning as I wait for him to say something else, the cowboy that made me feel things I didn’t even know existed.
I wait because I don’t know what else to do. My legs are shaking and my fingertips are cold. My vision focuses on a single spot in the night sky, wishing I was somewhere else and at the same time, praying for something I know can never be.
“Rachel.” His voice catches and breaks.
That single word stuns me out of my stupor. When I look up, Chad is leaning in the open door, his face inches from my ear.
“I never knew the name of that girl my brother hurt. No one ever told me. You were a minor, so your name was never released and my family tried to keep me out of it. Hell, I tried to keep myself out of it. I didn’t want to know.” His voice shakes. “I’m so sorry.”
His forehead comes down to rest on my shoulder, one hand releases from the door and it comes to wrap around the side of my head, steady and gentle. As Chad’s shoulders shake I have to pull my lips between my teeth to hold back the sobs that are filling my throat.
Now, when I look at him, I see Leander’s brother, not Chad. When I listen to him, will I always be reminded of the voice of the man that whispered for me to keep it a secret. Whispered what a special girl I was and that I could never tell anyone.
Somethings are just not meant to be.
That’s what we both know and that’s why we are grieving. Some obstacles you can’t overcome. In this moment, I know Chad didn’t know who I was before now. I know what had happened with him was real. But that is why he has to do the right thing and let me go.
I’m not sure how long we stay like that, but eventually the ragged sounds of Chad’s uneven breaths slow and he releases my head so that he can cup my cheek, his thumb whisking back and forth over the tears there. His fingers are rough and I remember how they felt on my body.
Chills shake my shoulders and he finally lifts his head.
I brace myself for what’s coming. He’s searching for the words and I’m unable to stifle the whimpers coming out of me.
“I’m never leaving you.” His harsh words shock me as he drops back and closes the truck door.
He vaults over the hood like a bullet, opens the driver’s door and slides into the seat, and before I can form my next thought, the keys are in the ignition and the engine is roaring to life.
ChapterTwenty-Two
Chad
“I’ve never begged for anything in my life, Rachel, but I’m begging you right now, take my hand and come inside. When I said you were mine, I meant it. I can’t live without you. Now more than before.”
She’s looking at me and I may be deceiving myself, but I think I see hope in her eyes. Just a flicker between the shock, doubt and fear. But it’s there and as long as there is hope, I’ve still got a chance.
We drove back to the farm in silence. She let my hand rest on her knee because I needed the contact and I needed the time to process what was happening and all the ways I could make it right with her.
I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about all the ways I could comfort her, all the ways I could make her feel safe again. All the ways I could make her forget.
And I came up with only one thing.
Love her so much and with everything I have that by sheer will I can heal all the broken parts my family left behind. Instead of thinking we were doomed because of the history between us, I think destiny brought us together so I could show her what it means to have someone love you so much they will stare down your demons for you. Slay your dragons and protect you until you feel safe.
“I don’t think I can.” She lifts her head, meets my eyes, and her chin quivers. “It’s too much. I’m not strong enough.”
“Well, I am. I’m strong enough for both of us. You’re coming inside and I’m going to show you what you know deep down. You are part of me. Wrapped so tightly around me I can’t take a single breath without thinking about you. There hasn’t been one single second since I laid my eyes on you that I didn’t know what I wanted. I want it all, Rachel. I want to know everything that hurts you so I can stop it, I want what makes you smile so I can make sure you get more, I want you as my wife and I want you to carry our babies. I want it all, so come inside. We’ll get through this —whatever happens with us— we will deal with it and move forward.”
