Page 39 of Summer Haze & Tokyo Craze
I'm in my hotel room, sitting on an armchair right by the window and looking down at the city. It looks so surreal. Everythinglooks so small, like it’s part of a completely different world.
"At this point, you don’t need to," Jackson answers. "So, what's the holdup?"
"What isn't a holdup?" I tell him with a deep sigh and run my hand through my hair.
I'm getting jittery, my legs bouncing up and down, until finally, I get up and pace in front of the glass window wall of my room.
"She's not like any other women I've dated before."
"Of course, she isn’t," Jackson chuckles and something about his tone tells me he's rolling his eyes at me. "That's because you weren't really in it when you were dating them, even I could see that."
"What do you mean?" I stop in my tracks, staring at my reflection in the window.
"Adam." His tone turns serious, and I brace myself for an uncomfortable conversation. "Listen carefully, because I doubt we’ll ever have a deep conversation about this again.”
Internally, I brace myself, because it sounds like whatever he’s about to tell me is going to be uncomfortable as fuck for me.
“You might have dated, but all of us could tell you were really just going through the motions.”
“All of you?” I ask, my throat thick with emotion, but Jackson ignores me and goes on.
“Youwere way too busy taking care of all of us after our parents died. No woman could have broken through the wall you built around our family. I'm not trying to be mean, but women like Courtney—” I wince when he mentions my ex. It ended amicably, but it’s an uncomfortable topic nonetheless. “They were perfectly nice, perfectly lovely women, but you could see from a mile away that you weren’t happy. You were missing the spark in your relationship, the challenge."
I exhale a deep sigh, memories of that relationship running through my head. Maybe he's right. I wasn't exactly unhappy with her, but I also wasn't very sad when she broke it off. No, I was relieved. Relieved that I had one person less to care about, one responsibility less.
"And you think I need a challenge?" I ask as I resume my pacing.
"I think youwantthe challenge," he corrects me, and my eyebrows pull together in a frown. Do I? "Tell me if I’m wrong but I think you need a woman who's not afraid to speak her mind. You’re a powerful man, Adam. You’ve got enough yes-sayers at work, I doubt you want the same in a relationship.”
I hate to admit it, but he might have a point. Thinking back, I can’t help but agree. Back then, I was looking for an easy relationship, a place where I could receive emotional support, without any risks. That's not sustainable. And hell, do I want sustainable all of a sudden. Who would have thought?
“Let’s be honest, Adam, you’re shit with emotions. You need a woman who’s not afraid to demand what she needs and won’t let you walk away from the hard talks. I don't know Lily well, apart from what I've heard about her—no, that's wrong, I think I met her in passing once or twice. But from what I'm hearing, she sounds like the perfect woman to do the job."
"Even if you are right, which I’m still skeptical of,” I say, knowing I’m lying through my teeth, but I’d rather munch on glass than admit that. “I don't think she's interested. We had a few moments, but she’s been acting super standoffish."
"Moments? Imagine me wiggling my eyebrows.”
“Non-sexual moments,” I clarify, making him burst into laughter. “We went on something like a date two days ago and ever since then she’s withdrawn.”
“I'm going to go ahead and ask something crazy: Have you tried looking at it from her perspective? To throw your own words back at you, what isn't a holdup?" Jackson sounds a lot more serious now.
"What do you mean?"
"Let’s look at some facts: She's new in the business. From what I'm hearing, she's very eager to prove herself. Incredibly competitive. And even though she has an amazing track record, she keeps aiming higher and higher in order to prove herself. I give her like five years tops until Siren's Talent is at the same level as Croney. Now imagine she starts dating you, a rival from the business, and a very successful one at that."
I let his words sink in, my heart sinking right along. “Fuck.”
Of course. Dating me would probably invalidate her achievements to a large group of people. She might not give many fucks about what our peers think, but I think it would gnaw at her. I hum lowly in my throat.
“Yeah. You’re right,” I finally say dejectedly. “I guess dating me would come with a bunch of challenges.”
“Oh, quit the self-deprecating crap.” I hear him stand up and walk around, kicking a chair or something out of his way. Oh how quickly his mood turned. I force myself to take a deep breath and pinch the bridge of my nose between my eyes.
“Hate to tell you, butyouare definitely one of the challenges.” I lower my hand to tap the side of my face, trying to relax my clenched jaw. One sentence. One little, accusatory sentence from him and guilt crashes over me like a wave, just as quickly replaced by anger.
How fucking dare he. As much as he lectures about empathy and looking at things from another perspective, he sucks at applying it to himself. I don't think he's ever taken a step back and given me the benefit of the doubt, or considered just how much of my life I had to sacrifice for them.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” And there it is again, the same confrontational tone I've gotten so used to over the years. The one that might as well scream 'fuck you, you can't do anything right.'
