Page 69 of Finding Us
She pats my arm. “That’s okay, honey. You don’t have to have them if it’s not right for you. Don’t feel you have to do something just because everyone else does. It’s your decision. And Garret’s.”
I turn to her. “He wants kids. Three kids.”
She looks concerned. “But he knows how you feel? Because that’s something he should know before you get married.”
“He knows. I told him a long time ago and I’ve told him several times since then. He’s okay with us not having them. Or at least he says he is.”
“He really loves you, Jade.” She picks up her magazine again and starts flipping through it.
“I’m afraid.” I say it quietly but she hears me.
She sets the magazine down. “Afraid of what, honey?”
I hesitate because I’ve only told this to Garret, but for whatever reason I feel like I can talk to Grace about it. “I’m afraid to have kids. I’m afraid I’ll be a bad mom.”
“Why would you say that, Jade?”
“Because I don’t know how to be a mom. All I know is how my mom was with me. And I’m afraid if I have kids I’ll be like my mom. Always yelling at them and blaming them for everything and scaring them and saying things I don’t mean.”
“Oh, honey. Your mother wasn’t well. She didn’t mean to be that way. You won’t be like that. You’d be a wonderful mother. Look how good you are with Lilly. That little girl loves you. And I can tell you love her, too.”
“Yeah, but she’s not mine. I don’t spend all day, every day with her. If I had kids and they did something that made me mad, I’m afraid of how I’d react.”
“I understand your concerns but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I didn’t know your mother, but from what you’ve told me you’re nothing like her. At least not in the way she acted, treating you the way she did. When you get angry at Garret you don’t act like her, right?”
“No.”
“Then you can handle a child.” She smiles. “Men often make us women more angry than our children.” She gets serious again. “You have plenty of time to think this over. You and Garret are so young. You don’t have to make this decision right now.”
“I know.” I look out at Garret and Lilly splashing around in the water. “It’s just that when I see him out there with her, it makes me think about it. I know he wants kids.”
“Yes, but you both have to want that.”
I nod.
“Jade.” Grace puts her hand on my arm and I look over at her. “Anytime you want to talk, please call me. I’m always around.”
“I will. I miss seeing you. We have to get together more often.”
“I’d like that very much.”
We stay out there until 5, then have dinner before Grace and Lilly head back to the hotel.
Later that night as Garret and I are getting ready for bed, there’s a knock on the door. It startles us both because it’s almost midnight and nobody comes to the door at midnight, not even Harper or Sean.
“Wait here,” Garret says. “I’ll see who it is.”
As he goes downstairs I put a sweatshirt on over my tank top, then grab my jean shorts and put them on. I wait in the hall and hear Garret talking. Then I hear his dad’s voice. I race down the stairs, my heart pounding in my chest.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Why are you here so late?”
“Hello, Jade.” Pearce seems a little annoyed. He can be kind of formal and he expects a greeting before I bombard him with questions.
“Hi, Mr. Kensington.”
He smiles. “It’s Pearce.”
“Yes. Sorry.” I’m so nervous I can barely speak. I’m sure he’s here to tell us bad news.
