Page 40 of Differences
Before I made my way over to my mama, I took a deep breath. Mentally, I kept telling myself I could do this. I slowly moved in closer. The tubes were no longer coming from her body, and she looked to be at peace. I got choked up seeing her form, knowing that she was no longer there. I reached for her hand. Even though I knew it was cold, I kept telling myself it was warm and there was life there. I pulled her hand to my lips, kissing it.
“If I could rewind time, I would do so many things differently. The first thing I would tell you is that I love you. Thank you for everything, no matter how big or small. It’s not a day that has gone by when I didn’t think about you.” I looked over at Rae. “And Rae too. I was stubborn. You just wanted your baby boy, and I was too dumb to realize that. It was never the money. I’m sorry I made myself believe that. I spent so much time trying to buy y’all instead of being with y’all.” I wiped at my face, trying to wipe away the fallen tears.
“In honor of you, Mama, I won’t let the time get away from me no more. Forgive me.” I fell onto her body, constantly telling her I was sorry.
My shoulders shook as I cried out for my mother. The pain of not trying to fix the damage I caused was killing me. All of me wanted this to be a dream. My mind wanted to believe that my mother would wake up and say she was playing a prank, but my heart knew this was no joke.
“Wes, man, I’m sorry for you and Rae’s loss. If there is anything I can do, let me know,” Keezy said, walking over toward me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
I nodded my head instead of speaking. There was nothing he could do. He didn’t have the power to bring my mother back.
“Wes, we need to discuss arrangements,” Rae stated.
I looked back at my mother. I shook my head. “Nah, I’m not discussing anything. Her body ain’t even cold yet, Rae!”
She let out an aggravated breath. “I can’t deal with him right now! I’m doing what Mama and I discussed. Regardless of how shitty you acted toward her, she still wants to include you even in her afterlife.” Rae stormed out of the room, leaving me there in shame.
“I’ll go check on her,” Keezy informed us, walking out of the room.
Taja was beside me in a matter of seconds, holding my hand.
“I’m so sorry, Wes.”
“I was a horrible son. I never got to tell her I was sorry.” I fell into Taja’s arms, sobbing.
* * *
I could hearTaja in the bathroom on the phone with Rae. Once the hospital came and wheeled my mother’s body to the morgue, I ran out of the hospital. Taja was right on my heels. I didn’t even bother asking Rae about the arrangements. I laid in bed, trying to stop my mind from trying to figure out how to fix this. It was troubling me because there was no solution. There was nothing I could do to bring her back.
The bathroom door opened, and Taja softly called my name.
“Wes?” she called.
My attention remained on the ceiling. My voice was gone, my spirit had disappeared, and the fight in me no longer existed. There was nothing about my life that felt real.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
I still didn’t answer her. She came and sat down beside me. She rubbed my leg up and down. Usually, Taja’s touch would make me feel better, but this time, the pain was too deep and powerful.
“I know this is something you don’t want to hear, but Rae asked me to tell you. Your mother requested no burial. She wants to be cremated. She wanted her ashes spread in a nice place. She did request that you both keep some of her ashes. Per your sister, your mother wants to be with you both for every walk of your life.”
More tears flowed down my face. It wasn’t the same. I wanted my mother here in physical form, no other way.
“After she finishes all the paperwork, she is going to start the cremation process.” She sighed. “It would be nice if you were by your sister’s side during this time. Y’all both will need each other during this time.”
“Taja, I don’t feel like hearing that shit right now.” I sighed, feeling myself getting annoyed.
“I know, Weston, but losing a parent is hard.”
I sat up. “And how the fuck would you know?”
I was annoyed with people telling me what to do. All I wanted to hear was my mother was a walking miracle, not that she wanted her ashes spread.
“You lost a fuck ass nigga, that couldn’t even afford a car. So don’t talk to me about losing shit!”
“Weston, what does that have to do with anything?”
“A lot, damn it. You don’t understand losing.”
