Page 57 of Can't Win 'Em All
“I’m pretty sure that’s the lunches I’ve been bringing to you every day,” I countered.
She ignored me. “If our baby has hair—and given we both have full heads of hair, I don’t expect a bald baby, even though they’re really cute—that will start developing now, too,” she said. “She’s a foot long and weighs more than a pound. Her nose is starting to work too.”
I froze, my hand on one of the ghost Elvis mobiles. “How can she smell in there? Wait … can she smell in there? Is it like when Han cut open the tauntaun and shoved Luke in to save his life on Hoth?”
The looks Livvie and Ruby pinned me with had me taking a step back. “Or pretend I said something less annoying,” I suggested.
Ruby merely shook her head. “My uterus is now the size of a soccer ball.” She almost looked excited. “Also, this is about the point in pregnancy when hemorrhoids start developing.” Her eyes landed on me. “So we have that to look forward to.”
“What’s this ‘we’ you’re referring to?” I teased. “I’m not getting hemorrhoids.”
“I’ll find a way to make you go through the pain with me.” Ruby turned and headed toward the nearest crib. From behind, you couldn’t tell she was pregnant. Even from up front, her little belly was adorable. I constantly had to refrain from touching it. It wasn’t easy, because I wanted to feel each little kick the baby wanted to grace me with. Since it was Ruby’s body, however, I always asked … and only a quarter of the time the urge threatened to overtake me as I waited for her response.
It was always yes.
“The newest joy of my life is the snoring,” she said as she held up a pillow for Livvie to look at. My sister wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Yeah, it’s ugly,” Ruby agreed as she returned it to the crib.
“Are you saying that you’re suddenly snoring and you’ve never snored before?” Livvie asked. She looked genuinely curious.
“Yup.” Ruby was rueful. “I’ve woken myself up twice this week. Plus, I’m either really hot or really cold when I try to go to sleep. I’m never just right.”
“You need someone to cuddle up to in bed.” Livvie sounded pragmatic, but I almost choked at the words.
The strangest thing was that Ruby didn’t disagree with her. “I know, right?” Ruby shook her head, her dark ponytail swinging back and forth. “I ordered one of those BedJets. It’s for menopausal women, but it does both heat and cold.”
I didn’t care what the BedJet was. I wanted to go back to the cuddling thing.
“How does that work?” Livvie looked intrigued.
“There’s a hose that you put between the bottom and top sheets and it pumps a variety of different temperature air in there. So, if you’re hot, you can pump cold air in. If you’re only slightly cold you hit the dry button. If you’re cold, you go for the heat.”
“And it works?” Livvie acted as if Ruby was explaining magic to her.
“Oh, it’s amazing. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me since the hot flashes.”
I felt terrible. How bad were these hot flashes?
“Well, it sounds interesting. I still think it’s better to cuddle with someone,” Livvie argued. “I mean … there’s nothing better than curling up with your head on someone’s shoulder, absorbing their body warmth, and listening to the sound of their heartbeat under your head.” She took on a far-off expression that both stirred and irritated me because I knew she was talking about Zach … and I did not want to picture that.
“See, it’s not the cuddling calling to me right now,” Ruby countered. “It’s the sex. I’m hornier than a ten-pronged rhino right now.” She leaned closer to Livvie, apparently forgetting that I was even tagging along on this shopping excursion. “All those stories they tell you about pregnancy hormones making you look at your electric toothbrush as if it’s your best friend? They’re totally true.”
“Holy crap.” Livvie looked rocked. “Like … in a good or bad way?”
“Well, if I had someone to help me, it would be in a good way. I mean … I could get off like eight times a day and it wouldn’t be enough.”
A dull ringing invaded my head. Eight times? Was she joking? Wait … were they messing with me? That made more sense than Ruby not being satiated after eight orgasms. Well, unless they weren’t Rex-granted orgasms. It was entirely possible that she just didn’t understand the power of the Dark Side in this instance.
I kind of wanted to show it to her. No, more than kind of. I definitely wanted to show it to her. Ruby had always been hot—like really, really hot—but pregnancy had made her ten times hotter. Suddenly, her skin was glowing. Her hair was growing faster than normal and was to the middle of her back. Her hips were popping, as were her boobs, and her stomach, while no longer flat, was utterly hot and touchable.
“When was the last time you had sex?” Livvie asked.
I jerked up my chin. I wanted to hear the answer to this question. Sure, I thought I knew the answer. Confirmation couldn’t possibly hurt, though.
It wasn’t that I was jealous, or didn’t want Ruby to find someone—really and truly—but since my kid was living in her uterus, it seemed like a good idea to disallow visitors for the time being. Since we were doing this together, I was cutting off visitors as well. It just seemed fair.
Ruby shrugged. Her back was to me and she either didn’t know or care that I was listening to the conversation. “I believe the last time I had an orgasm that wasn’t provided by myself—and there have been plenty of those, mind you, because of the horny thing—was before I got pregnant.”
I stilled. This would’ve been the time to keep my mouth shut. That was the smart move. I didn’t always go for the smart move. No, I often made the dumb move because I didn’t think things through. Being fast and impulsive helped with my job a lot of the time. As for the rest of my life, it was often a mistake.
