Page 33 of Can't Win 'Em All
“I want to be a father.” It was simple and declarative. I suddenly felt weak at the knees when I said it.
“You do?” Ruby pursed her lips. “Are you sure? Because—and don’t take this personally—you’ve never really showed interest in being a father.”
I turned defensive. “You’ve never shown interest in being a mother either. Things change.”
“I know.” She held her hands out cautiously. “I’m not trying to pick a fight. I just want you to be sure. Maybe you should think about it longer.”
I made a face. “See, it sounds to me as if you’re trying to talk me out of being a father. Do you not want me involved?”
“No.” She fervently shook her head. “If you want to be involved, I want you to be involved. In fact, I can’t imagine doing it without you. I will, though, if you want it that way. I don’t want to be the person who derails your life. I know you have a specific plan for yourself.”
For some reason—and I would have to reflect on it later—I was bothered by her vision of me. “I don’t have a specific plan for myself. I just figured, eventually, I would settle down and have kids. I always wanted kids, though. I think I’ll be a good father.”
“I think you’ll be a great father,” Ruby agreed, not missing a beat. “That was never a concern for me.”
“What was a concern for you?”
“That you’re not ready to be a father yet. What happened that night … well … it took us both by surprise. We were drunk off our asses. It’s not as if either of us planned for this outcome.”
“And yet you knew right away how you wanted things to play out.”
“Not exactly.” She shook her head. “I panicked when I took the tests up here. I was convinced all four of them were errors.”
“Why did you take four of them?”
“You know. Just to be on the safe side.” She was sheepish. “I didn’t know which test to buy. There were a lot of options. I bought one of each. Come to find out—because I asked my doctor—those things are rarely wrong. There might be a false negative if you take it too early. There’s almost never a false positive though.”
“Huh.” That was interesting. Well, kind of. “When did you realize you were happy about it?”
She shrugged. “It wasn’t at the doctor’s office. I knew that I was keeping it right away. I mean … I’m thirty-five. I’m not going to have a lot of other chances.”
I frowned. “Thirty-five is still young.”
“Actually, when it comes to getting pregnant, thirty-five is considered geriatric.”
I was appalled. “Um … you’re still young and hot. Don’t let the doctor run that nonsense on you.”
She laughed, and it caused me to relax, if only marginally. “Thanks for that. Apparently, fertility flies off a cliff at thirty-five though. When I was a kid, I never considered not being a mother. When things with my father grew difficult, I kept pushing off the decision because I didn’t want to get married. He wouldn’t have allowed me to marry someone of my choice. He would’ve hounded me until I married someone he approved of, and I didn’t want that.”
I nodded. “Well, that’s not what happened.”
“It’s not,” she agreed. “I’m ready to be a mother. Or, well, I’ll be ready when it’s time.” She pointed toward the bag. “I’ve got books. I’ll take those birthing classes. I’ll read everything I can to get ready.
“The only thing I know absolutely is that I want to be a mother,” she continued. “If you’re not ready to be a father, though?—”
I cut her off with a shake of my head and sat on the couch without being prodded. This conversation wasn’t going to be quick. “It’s true that I didn’t think my life was going in this direction right now,” I started. “The thing is, I can’t not know my kid. I just … I’m not built that way.”
She nodded in understanding. “I get it.”
“This might not be the way I imagined it, but that’s still my kid. There’s no way I’m going to be able to go on with my life and know that I have a child out there being raised away from me.”
“Okay.” She sat in one of the chairs across from me. “As long as you’re certain.”
“I am.” I managed a smile. “I’m still scared beyond belief, but I figure I’ll have time to adjust. I already feel better now that I’ve said it. I think I knew right away but … I don’t know … I panicked.”
“We all panic when we hear the news,” she assured me.
“Yeah, well, I’m not proud. I should’ve immediately dove in and asked what I could do for you when you told me. I swear my mind wasn’t firing on all cylinders that day.” I was rueful. “Then, when Livvie came to give me an earful?—”
