Page 11 of Courtroom Drama
What? No. JOE KITSCH.
I write back knowing my brain will now forever translate his name to Jock Itch every time I hear it, may he rest in peace. I know enough about Damon to know he’s not intending to be insensitive; rather he’sattempting to defuse the tension he feels emanating off me. At least, that’s what the old Damon would have done. I tell myself not to fall for it.
I’m grateful for D.A. Stern’s continuation. “He loved his kids, Dover and Emblem. He loved his parents, Glenn and Jackie. He loved his sisters, Jayne and Erika. And above all, he loved his wife, Margot.” At this, he extends an arm, the tip of his pen pointed toward the defense table where Margot sits tall and still, watching, hands clasped in her lap. Under the table, her right foot taps vigorously at the indistinct carpet. I know from the show that she’s not particularly skilled at being still or quiet, and I imagine this must be difficult for her in more ways than one.
D.A. Stern returns to the prosecution table and picks up a clicker. All heads turn to the pull-out screen adjacent to the witness stand as a slideshow begins. Photos of Joe and Margot on their wedding day. Joe on a golf course, the shaft of his putter in the air, pressed against his shoulder. Joe with his kids on Halloween, the three of them dressed in elaborate octopus costumes. I remember this photo in particular. Margot had posted it alongside a video to her social media, showing off the motorized tentacles and professional makeup.
Joe was an attractive older man. He had that opulent aging quality where his features grew more defined and his face took on more character as he aged. Even in his late sixties, his blue eyes were wide and bright, he still held a thick mane of gray hair, and he maintained the physique of someone much younger. He always dressed in that casual way truly wealthy people do, still with an air about him even in jeans and a T-shirt.
The prosecutor continues. “His wife of nearly twenty-five years, Margot, to whom he gave the world, came from humble Minnesotan roots, andJoeintroduced her to her lavish lifestyle. What Joe couldn’t have known was that Margot Kitsch, Margot Frankel at the time, would end his life in a premeditated plot, fueled by vengefulness and embarrassment. And because of his deep love for this woman and the family they built, Joe Kitsch never saw it coming.”
I miss what comes next in the D.A.’s statement, distracted by Margot’s foot still pounding the floor and stuck on the characterization of her as vengeful and embarrassed. The description strikes me as misleading. What did she have to be vengeful or embarrassed about?
I snap back to attention as D.A. Stern finishes his belabored diatribe with, “Through the course of this trial, we will present to you the details of Joe’s death, which will clearly show Margot Kitsch spearheaded a plan to poison her unknowing husband, making it appear as though he died of natural causes, then rushed to cremate his body to conceal what she had done—her own mother-in-law being the first to identify evidence that incriminates her.” He turns to stare at Margot, who does not look away but whose eyes are wary and perhaps a bit scared. It’s not a look I am accustomed to seeing on her face.
I shift in the wooden seat with no give and eye Margot’s defense team, wondering if they will do her justice in their rebuttal.
Virtually all the allegations I heard prior to this case were grandiose and circumstantial at best. But I suppose with so much notoriety and a slow news cycle, the public needed a prominent witch to burn at the stake. And it looks like the prosecution is, in fact, going with the most popular theory circulating on social media—that Margot somehow poisoned Joe despite not being physically present when he died at their kitchen table that Wednesday morning last September. With Joe’s influential family at the helm of said witch hunt, I shouldn’t have been surprised they could successfully get this case to trial.
Sure, Margot has exhibited some bad behavior on the show. She yells, has thrown a glass or two in the direction of her costars—even a pineapple once when the women were vacationing in Maui—but it’s all for entertainment. Margot drums up drama for the cameras because she knows it’s what viewers want. But the glimpses we get into her real life on the show expose her as an unwaveringly doting wife and mother. People just can’t seem to separate the two. Or, perhaps more likely, they don’t want to.
Margot’s lead attorney, in complete contrast to D.A. Stern, is a winningly handsome man who appears quite a bit younger than his counterpart—late thirties or early forties, perhaps. While D.A. Sternsports an ill-fitting dark brown suit with sleeves hanging to the middle of his hands, Margot’s attorney’s suit is a perfectly tailored navy blue with off-color pinstripes so fine it’s possible I’ve imagined them completely. He rises from the defense table slowly, buttons his jacket slowly, clasps his hands behind his back slowly, and finally approaches the jury box with great concentration. Between his finger-wave flapper-style hair, square jaw, and dramatic movements, he reads more like an actor playing an attorney than an attorney himself. His name certainly doesn’t help: Lead Defense Attorney Durrant Hammerstead.
“Margot Kitsch is a reality star,” he begins. “A fashion, beauty, and pop culture icon. A successful businesswoman. A doting mother.” He presses his bottom lip into his top one in contemplation. Then he turns to face D.A. Stern, who sits at attention at the prosecutors’ table, fidgeting with his pen between his first two fingers. The men eye each other, and I can’t help but see the contrast. If Jackson Stern is a basset hound, Durrant Hammerstead is a Great Dane.
“There are things we unquestionably agree on, the prosecution and I, one of which is that what happened to Joe Kitsch is a tragedy. What we will show you, though, through the course of this trial, is that Margot Kitsch had an alibi at the time of Joe’s death. That she had no motive to kill the father of her children. That she had no involvement in her husband’s death.
“The prosecution will tell you that Margot somehow caused Joe Kitsch to experience a fatal cardiac episode alone in their family kitchen while she was miles away with several reliable witnesses. We will show you that Margot is, along with their two children, a victim as well. That her husband’s death, while tragic, was of natural causes, with no evidence of foul play.
“Much has been made of Joe’s cause of death in the pretrial media. The idea that a seemingly healthy man in his late sixties could have died of natural causes alone in his kitchen was deemed a far too lackluster set of circumstances.”
I look over to Margot, whose face gives nothing away.
“Remember,” Durrant Hammerstead continues, “your job here asjurors is not to weigh in on what youthinkmight have happened, or to buy into whatever stories you may have heard online or otherwise before this trial.” He shakes his head. “Your job is to decide whether my counterpart here”—he points to D.A. Stern at the prosecution table—“provesbeyond a reasonable doubtthat Margot Kitsch is guilty of murdering her husband of twenty-four years.”
He makes some closing remarks and heads back to his table. Margot looks to him briefly as he takes his seat, a slight upturn of approval playing at her features.
And with that, with no pageantry or grandeur, we are dropped into the middle of a war zone as untrained, unarmed civilians with nothing more than notebooks and hope.
D.A. Stern calls his first witness.
7.
Bombshell Testimony (phrase)
testimony that is surprising, dramatic, or pivotal in its implications for a trial
Tenley Storms
The first witness, to my surprise and delight, isAuthentic Momscast member Tenley Storms.
Tenley made herAuthentic Momsdebut in season three and is perhaps best known for hiring a multitude of “interns” to serve as personal assistants, though there are ongoing questions among the cast as to whether she actually pays them. There was also her now defunct line of avocado preservers in a variety of colors with the ill-advised marketing slogan of “Always Ripe and Ready.”
Tenley is notoriouslynota fan of Margot Kitsch.
I sit up straight when her name is called, my heart punching against my rib cage. I hoped some famous friends might be mentioned, but I wasn’t necessarily expecting another cast member on the stand, let alone so soon.
Tenley enters from the double doors in the back of the courtroom and struts the aisle like it’s a runway, one pointed toe landing in front of the other as if she’s marching along a taped line down the center. Her emerald-and-gold statement necklace clicks and clacks as the individual pieces bang into one another as she walks. Every head turns to watch her make her way. Well, every head except one. Margot staresstaunchly ahead. For her part, Tenley doesn’t look at Margot, either. Instead, her face is soft but focused as she approaches the stand.
