Page 100 of Courtroom Drama
FOR FOUR DAYS, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO HER. WHETHER SHE HAD BEEN TAKEN, WHETHER SHE HAD DROWNED IN THE PACIFIC. FOUR DAYS, AND I COULDN’T EVEN TELL MY PARENTS ANYTHING OTHER THAN SHE WAS JUST GONE.
I DIDN’T GO HOME FOR THREE OF THOSE DAYS. I SEARCHED. I SAT ON THE BEACH AND CRIED. MY PARENTS HELD OUT HOPE THAT THERE WAS SOME REASONABLE EXPLANATION, BUT I COULDN’T IMAGINE ONE.
FOUR DAYS LATER, WE GOT THE CALL. HER BODY WAS FOUND BY FISHERMEN NEARLY THIRTY MILES FROM WHERE WE WERE THAT DAY ON THE BEACH. SHE HAD DROWNED SO QUIETLY AND QUICKLY THAT NOT EVEN THE LIFEGUARDS SAW HER.
I KNOW I CAN NEVER MAKE IT UP TO MY PARENTS, BUT I’VE TRIED—IN BIG WAYS AND SMALL—EVERY DAY SINCE.
I’VE HAD ONE RELATIONSHIP SINCE THEN. AND, LOOKING BACK, IT WASN’T A REAL ONE. NOT BECAUSE I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT HER OR BECAUSE I WASN’T COMMITTED. BUT BECAUSE I COULDN’T LET HER IN. I DECIDED IT WAS BEST TO GO IT ALONE, TO AVOID, WELL, EVERYTHING. YOU’RE THE FIRST PERSON WHO MADE ME WANT TO ABANDON THAT WAY OF THINKING. TO JUST... JUMP. YOU CRACKED ME WIDE OPEN, SYD, AND IT HURTS—THAT CRACK. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT. I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD PARTNER TO SOMEONE. LOOK AT OUR PARENTS. IT’S NOT LIKE THESE THINGS WERE MODELED FOR US.
SO, I GUESS THIS LETTER IS MOSTLY TO SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR OPENING ME UP AGAIN, EVEN IF JUST TEMPORARILY. FOR ALLOWING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS TO CONSIDER SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING MORE. I’LL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL. AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE EVENTUALLY, I WILL JUMP. AND WHEN I DO, I’LL MOST CERTAINLY THINK OF YOU.
DAMON
P.S. THIS LETTER IS:
?
?
SWEET
SAPPY
I wipe the tears from my cheeks and stare at his note, wondering where to store such a thing. If to store it at all. For now, I set it on the small shelf above the counter.
Not only has he been carrying Kara’s loss but the guilt of that loss with him all these years. I can’t imagine what that has done to him. Here, I thought our parents’ affair was the driving force of his hesitation, of hisbeing bad at relationships. But it is so much more. His hesitation about building something with me in the real world becomes even clearer. How could he devastate his parents like that again, bringing me around, when he believes he already caused so much hurt by losing Kara?
I remain on the tub’s edge, regarding the URL he has handwritten on the bottom of the page, separate from the rest of the text. I grab my phone and, through tears, type it into the search bar. Up pops a page full of sugar-free gummy bear reviews. Even in heartache, tears blurring my vision, Damon manages to make me laugh.
When I exit the bathroom nearly an hour later, Mel sits up from her corner of the couch and scoots forward until her feet meet the ground. “Human again?” she asks, closing the book in her lap and tossing it to the cushion.
