Page 9 of Rebel in the Deep
Maeve opens her mouth, but Lizzie speaks first. “She’s in, so I’m in. Can’t let my selkie get killed in your war.” The vampire’s droll tone almost makes me smile.
Maeve shoots her a sharp look. “I can speak for myself.”
“I’m aware.” Lizzie nudges her with her shoulder. “But we both know you were going to make a grand proclamation. I saved us both time.”
Maeve rolls her eyes. “Fine. Yes. We’re in. There. Nice, succinct. Happy?”
“I’m with you.”
Gods, they make me sick. I much preferred the Lizzie before she went and fell in love with one of the sweetest women I know. The vampire was a necessary counterpoint to Bowen and Evelyn constantly making eyes at each other. In the days we’ve spent sailing toward the sandbar, it’s become clear that while Lizzie will never be a ray of sunshine, she’s deeply in love with Maeve.
Exhausting, honestly.
I wave a hand at Siobhan. “We already know you’re invested in this suicide mission. Eyal?”
Eyal hesitates, looking around the room with his serious eyes. “I would heartily recommend coming up with an actual plan to minimize the chances that we all die horribly.” He shrugs his shoulders. “But you already know my answer, Captain. It’s the same it’s always been.”
From the time I was a small child, orphaned in Lyari by parents I don’t even remember, all I wanted was to replace the gaping hole inside me. First with the group of street kids who watched each other’s backs…and that’s as far as their loyalty went. Then with Bastian, certain that I would always find a home in his arms. I had learned enough hard lessons by the time I joined Hedd’s crew to know not to expect communitythere, but when I became captain, that desire, as hearty and annoying as a weed, sprouted again.
In reality, all being captain has done is make me increasingly aware of how much responsibility rests on my shoulders. I might have a true community now, but that community’s safety is my responsibility. I lose sleep worrying about them. I am constantly considering different angles of approach to each battle we face in order to minimize the chances of them being hurt. I would rather take a hit than allow a single one of them to fall under my watch.
I can’t help the fear that rises inside me at the war we’re currently facing. Not a single battle with a definitive end point. An overarching conflict that only ends one of two ways: with them dead…or with us dead.
With that in mind, I turn to Poet. As quartermaster, she is the voice of the crew. “Surely you have thoughts, Poet.”
She shifts from foot to foot. “I’m aware that you don’t want to hear this, but every single crew member will follow you to the depths of whatever underworld you lead them to. We owe our lives to you—and the rebellion.”
The pressure in my chest increases until I can barely breathe around it. I’ve spent my entire life searching for this, only to discover what a poisoned wish it is. Every time one of them is hurt, it hurtsme. I worry. I…I swallow hard. “Okay.”
Poet nods at Siobhan. “We know the cost of the Cwn Annwn maintaining power. We’re with you.”
I’ve become adept enough at hiding my emotions that I simply give them all a rakish grin instead of demanding they all jump ship and find their way to the nearest portal until this is all over. “In that case, my darlings, you have work to do and I have plans to plan.”
They file out, one by one, until it’s only Siobhan left. Instead of following them, she closes the door and leans against it. “That was a rousing commendation of your leadership. You’ve done good work putting your crew together. They trust you implicitly.”
“Shut up, Siobhan.” I turn away, the effort of appearing cool and collected too much to maintain. “This is what you wanted. We’re sailing into certain death at your behest. No need to rub it in.”
“Nox.” She sighs. “If I thought it was certain death, I wouldn’t ask it of you. If there was any other choice, I swear I—”
“No, that’s not what we’re going to do.” I spin back to face her. “What we’renotgoing to do is pretend that you would make any other choice than the one you’re making. You want Ba—” My voice breaks, and I mentally curse myself for being soaffected, even all these years later. I clear my throat. “You want Bastian. You’ve always wanted Bastian.”
“It’s not the way you’re making it sound.” Siobhan shakes her head slowly. “There’s never been one key to everything.”
“Wrong.Youare the key to everything.” I finally make myself—allowmyself—to look at her. She’s beautiful in the way that mountains are, tall and broad and exhibiting the kind of remoteness that people can kill themselves crashing against. Not that she looks particularly remote right now, with her dark eyes lit up by an internal fire.
I know better than to let myself wonder what would have happened if I’d met her first. I know better, but I wonder all the same.
To distract myself from the toxic thoughts, I do my best to focus entirely on what comes next. “You shouldn’t be on this ship when we get to the sandbar. We can risk me and the crew and even…Bastian. We can’t risk you, Siobhan. Your strength is in your secrecy. If no one knows you’re alive…”
“It’s too late for that.” For the first time since I met her, she actually looks defeated. “I came to you because you’re the best shot we have. That doesn’t mean we have a good shot, Nox.”
I’ve never known her to be one to let impossible circumstances beat her down to dust the way they do to us mere mortals. When the rebellion was first getting off the ground about ten years ago, Siobhan and I worked together quite a bit. I try not to think about those days often, because we were so damnedyoung. The very idea of the rebellion was exciting and filled with possibility, and I certainly didn’t have any concept of what it would cost in pursuit of a better way.
Now look at us, worn to the bone and as weary as people twice our age.
Before I can think of all the reasons it’s a terrible idea, I take her shoulders and shake her. “What did you tell me after our first fight?”
My shake barely moves her. She stares down at me. “How am I supposed to remember that? It was a lifetime ago.”
