In another way, it was more dangerous than anything I’d ever done. Because now I knew what I’d been missing. Now I just wanted more.
And now I was crying in my bed. So much my hair was wet on the pillow below. I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that I was a person who never cried—but there they were: tears.
I’m not even sure I could’ve told you what they werefor.There were so many different emotions making up their alchemy, I had no idea how to separate them out. There was sadness in the mix, for sure. And anger.As well as relief and joy and longing and anxiety. Tears ofeverything,I guess. They were tears of intensity. Tears of coming back to life.
Nineteen
THE NEXT MORNING,the captain called me into his office and yelled at me. But not for what you think.
When I entered his office, he was at his desk.
“What the hell were you thinking, Hanwell?” he demanded, without looking up.
I froze.
Oh God. This was it.
When I didn’t answer, he looked up—then stood up. “Well?”
I shook my head, like I didn’t understand.
“There’s no way this was an accident!” he said then. “Because there is no way you don’t know the rules.”
I held still.
“And if you know the rules,” he went on, “and you broke them anyway, that’s insubordination.” He took a step closer. “And you know how I feel about insubordination.”
I blinked.
“Are we clear?”
We weren’t. Not at all.
Ever so slightly, I shook my head.
“You don’t know what I’m talking about?” he said.
I shook again.
He reached out and picked a package up off his desk. “I’m talking about this.” He held it out, like incriminating evidence.
I frowned.
Then I realized what it was.
It was a cyanide-poisoning antidote kit.
That’swhat he was mad about? The relief hit so hard, I felt dizzy for a second. But it passed.
“Do you care to explain this?”
I took a breath. “Looks like we got a cyanide kit,” I said. I checked his desk for another package. “There should be two.”
“So you admit you’re responsible.”
My name was right there on the mailing label. “Yes?”
“Hanwell,” the captain said then, tossing the package back on his desk and crossing his arms. “As you keep reminding me, you are not a newbie. You know how things work in a fire station. So what I can’t figure out is how you could possibly have imagined you were allowed to order fire equipment without my permission.”