Page 23 of All the Beautiful Things
“He’ll need you,” David said again and this time it was the earnestness in his expression that quieted my thoughts. “Hudson has lost everyone he’s ever loved, outside of Brandon. Everyone has said goodbye to him or left without having the chance. I couldn’t risk leaving, without knowing he’ll be taken care of. I’ll be telling him and Brandon and Jenna later this week. I was hoping to wait until after Christmas, give us all one good holiday together, to have you see the beauty in what they can be like when surrounded by love, but well, outside you learning this news first, my appointment has been moved up.”
And just like that, all my anger and frustration with him evaporated like a snap.
“How bad?” I asked, shoulders slumping.
“Beatable.”
But not good. He wouldn’t give me a promise he couldn’t keep. Somehow, I still knew that about him.
He leaned forward on the table and dipped his chin to his chest. “I’d like you there. It will be you he’ll want to turn to and you who will need to be strong enough to absorb his pain.”
Jenna’s words from the other day rushed through my mind like a tornado.
You can’t see the love he has for you.
But I had. And despite my pain and their betrayal which was slowly starting to make sense despite this insanity, I still felt so much the same for him.
I’d spent a lifetime being protected by Josh, rarely being able to give my love back to someone else who truly needed me. I wasn’t sure I had it in me, but David believed I did.
Perhaps for now, that would have to be enough.
“I’ll be there. And we’ll beat this.”
We had to. Because no way in hell was I letting Hudson lose anyone else. Not yet.
* * *
It was Wednesday,almost a week since everything imploded with Hudson and three days since I spoke with David. I didn’t return to Valor on Monday. Instead, I’d spent the week trying to make sense of everything, attempting to focus on school even though when I went yesterday everything had been a blur of noise that barely muted my thoughts.
Now, I was outside of Valor Holdings summoning up the strength to enter.
I had stepped into the building’s lobby in front of me countless times. The first, filled with hope and a glimmer of excitement budding where before there’d only been barren lands inside of me. I returned once in a ball of fury, causing a scene and tossing accusations at both Valentine men I now knew they’d deserved for different reasons. And then I returned, ready to work, ready to take advantage of the opportunity the Valentines handed me. I kept my head down and stayed quiet by doing my job. I’d started to enjoy the menial tasks of calendar scheduling and learning the financial budgeting software. I couldn’t help the tingle of excitement that grew in my fingertips when I scanned blueprints for buildings and outdoor park areas, all designed to continue to grow Des Moines into a place built and affordable for everyone of all income ranges.
The Valentine’s purpose gave me the same.
With a scarf wrapped around my throat until only my eyes were visible and my gloved hands clinging to my purse strap, trepidation kept me outside, away from the foot traffic entering the building.
It was no longer the thought of seeing Hudson or Brandon again either that kept my feet stuck to the cement.
It was last week’s therapy session and then David’s admission on Sunday. He’d answered the question I needed answered.Why?
Was all of that enough of a reason for me to forgive them?
Was it possible?
I’d promised David I would be there to help, but was I capable of giving Hudson more?
All week long the questions danced and stomped around my brain until I had a headache and then they screamed at me in my nightmares where I woke with jaws full of rows of teeth snapping at me in anger.
I was exhausted from all of it, but still… I had a job to do. I didn’t have the luxury of blowing it off and every time I thought about doing so anyway, I thought of Judith, her telling me I was too good for a place like hers.
You can do this. Eyes straight ahead. Don’t look at anyone you don’t have to.
That I was relying on my prison lessons to walk into my place of employment sent a cold thrill down my back. Thank God for gloves and hats and a scarf I splurged on to keep me warm.
Finally, I pushed forward and stepped inside. By the time I reached my floor, holding my breath until I got off the crowded elevator, waiting for the moment Hudson or David would step in and see me, try to explain, I was a ball of nerves preparing to bounce and scatter all over their navy blue flooring.
Brandon. I still had to see him. Closing my eyes, I steeled myself against that first glimpse of him I’d soon get. He was probably already in his office, on his phone, pacing back and forth like he did so much of the day some days I grew dizzy watching him.
