Page 97 of This Time Around
Thirty
Rebecca
I dreamt of Cooper.In my dream, the few hours I’d been able to sleep, I dreamt of nothing but him.It wasn’t even a sexual dream, but an intimate one nonetheless where I woke up in the morning and he brought me coffee.Where we worked side-by-side on the land, hand-in-hand, where he gave up his life to settle down with me in nowhere Kansas.We spent the night rocking on the front porch on a swinging bench I didn’t own but had always wanted.He took the animals with me to the fairs when I showed them, and he hauled all the feed into the feeding pens and poured them in troughs so I could take it easy and relax.
In my dream, my stomach was swollen and ready to pop, and with one hand on my stomach, his had covered mine and he kissed my mouth, smiling and whispering, “Most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in the whole world.”
Joseph and I had talked about children, and we’d considered starting to try, but then my parents had died and our plans to take over the ranch had moved forward before we were fully ready for them.Having children was pushed to the back burner while we found our rhythm on the ranch, but those months hadn’t been easy.Neither had the year that followed.We had a drought, lost some cattle, feed prices increased, and it’d been difficult even then to maintain what we had.The drought had dried up two of the small watering holes the cows typically drank from and the natural spring had gotten so low we’d had to water the land, something that rarely happened.Our expenses went sky high and so did our stress, mostly mine, because this was all I ever wanted, and as the months wore on and Joseph shouldered my stress as well as his own, we hadn’t been very kind to one another.
Then I’d learned after one night of fighting, he’d headed to Jack’s bar, ran into Jenni who was so willing to help him unload his anger by using her body to do it and weeks later, she’d texted, telling him how she missed him.
I’d lost my mind.
A night later my husband was dead and I was so caught up in my anger and grief, I’d buried my dreams of all that I’d wanted and planned, because if the man who had loved me more than life couldn’t stay faithful to me, and if we couldn’t have a stable marriage when times got tough after all we’d already been through, then how in the hell did I think any man could be that guy?
He left me not only with a gaping hole of grief and anger, but he’d carved out an empty spot where my trust had once been.
Last night’s dream was just a dream, but it had felt so real, sogood, and so beautiful, even if it was a mirage, that when Cooper had brushed his lips against mine to wake me up, it was all it took to set aside my fears and my hang-ups.
He’d leave.He had to.Or, he most likely would.I figured my dream life wouldn’t come true with Cooper, but I could still enjoy the time we had together.I could learn from him.
I could begin to repair some of those broken, dark pieces inside of me and become whole again.
He didn’t understand why I kept talking to him before I showered.I looked and sounded like a crazy woman, and he was right, we’d get to it later, but I needed him to know everything.
He hadn’t held anything back from me, not with his marriage or who he was, and yet I’d kept some of the most important parts of me under lock and key.It’d been over eight months since Joseph died and I hadn’t told anyone the truth.
I figured Jenni Akers and I were the only two in town who would suspect my husband was a liar and unfaithful, and I hoped to always keep it that way.
But, you didn’t build trust and hope with secrets and it was time I unloaded that on someone, and Cooper had proven to be able to handle the crazy mess of a woman I already was.
I sipped my coffee and finished fixing my hair.I pulled it back into a messy top knot, and in between sips of coffee to finish waking me up, I applied a light coat of mascara and blush to give me color.It clashed with the dark circles beneath my eyes, but in the last year, even before then, I’d quit making a concentrated effort with my appearance.My hair was either braided or in a ponytail and my makeup routine fell to the side.It might have been due to the stress, or the simple comfort of being married so long, but I looked better when I took a few minutes and made an effort.
I felt better about myself, and that was most important.
I moved to the bedroom and was tugging on a pair of denim cut-off shorts when my phone vibrated on the dresser.
Brooke:You okay?Gossip’s hit town there was something going on at your place last night.Gunshots?!
Me:All’s well.I’ll tell you more later.But can you do me a huge favor?
Brooke:Anything.Hit me with it.
Could I ask her?I could.I hadn’t done this since high school, and my cheeks burned as I typed out my message to her.
Her reply was instant.
Woohhhh!!!!I guess that means Cooper’s back!
A string of emojis followed, a few eggplants and inappropriate finger gestures got her point across.
I deleted it and slid the phone into my pocket.
I’d taken long enough to get ready and still had what I knew was going to be a very long, exhausting day ahead of me.
And, I didn’t even want to think about later in the night.
“I’m sorry,Rebecca.Need me to call Kelly?”
