Page 30 of This Time Around
Turned out, I loved him with everything I had and yet that hadn’t always been enough, especially near the end.
Almost seven months after his death, I still couldn’t reconcile those two pieces together.
Last night, Cooper hadn’t pulled away.He hadn’t touched me back, he hadn’t bent his head to kiss me, but he didn’t move back either.He’d looked at me with torment in his eyes, the push and pull of wanting what I was offering and knowing it was a mistake.It was written clear as day in his beautiful green eyes.
The only thing he’d said was my name, ripped from his throat like he was tortured with the decision of whether to let me kiss him or shove me away.I couldn’t stop remembering it.I pressed my fingers against my temples, squeezed my eyes closed to dispel it all from my brain, but the vision only sharpened.
I’d wanted to kiss another man, and he was going to let me.
It was all, so horribly, horriblywrong.
I shoved off the bed, grabbed my phone, and flung off a quick text to Brooke.
I almost kissed him.What is wrong with me?
Tossing the phone onto my bed, I went back to my closet and finished getting dressed.I couldn’t think about this.
It wasn’t right, and it would never happen again.Not with Cooper, not with anyone.
I hadn’t been a virgin when I met Joseph.I’d known him my first two years of college, and I’d always been attracted to him, but he didn’t seem interested.I was so intent on squeezing everything I could out of the college experience, far from home, that I’d dated lots.I’d been with men I didn’t date, just hook-ups that left me doing the walk of shame across a bitter cold college campus.College had been a joke.I sat in class after class learning how to work on a farm, but I’d been doing it since I could walk.There wasn’t anything I was learning in books I didn’t already know, so I was still getting straight A’s and didn’t have to spend a lot of time studying.To keep busy, I spent a lot of time having as much fun as possible.
When I returned to Iowa State my junior year, it was time to get serious.The fun of one-night stands and ridiculous dates with guys I knew I’d never end up with had lost their shine.It was Joseph who still held my attention.I’d made the first approach, flirting with him and pretending to need his help studying.
He hadn’t fallen for it.Instead, he’d given me a questioning look and asked, “You done wasting your time and ready to be with a man who actually wants you?”
I’d acted offended.Then he’d kissed me.Right there outside the Hansen Agriculture Center, he’d pulled me to him, wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, held me to him and kissed me, and I hadn’t looked at another man since.
My last first kiss.I’d told him that.I’d known it instantly.
He’d pulled away, gave me a smile that shook me to my toes and said, “Yep.Glad you finally figured it out.”
Somehow, all that went to shit.
I was in the bathroom, piling all my hair on top of my head and wrapping it into a messy knot when my phone pinged.
Tears I’d been fighting swam in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks.I grabbed the phone, the text from Brooke only two words but as warm as if her arms were holding me tight.
Oh honey.
Another text came in almost immediately after.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting it.And there’s nothing wrong with you.You have every right to search for a new kind of happiness.
I collapsed back onto the bed and lost the fight with my tears and my emotions.
“Fuck you, Joseph.You weren’t supposed to do this to me.You weren’t supposed to leave me like this.”
I cried until a knock hit my door and I jumped off the bed, swiping at my eyes and sniffing away tears.
Oh God.I’d completely forgotten about Cooper and Jordan downstairs.
“Yeah?”I called out.
“You okay?Taking you awhile.”It was Jordan.My shoulders fell with relief.
“Yep.Be down in a second.”
I waited to hear his footsteps leaving, but I heard his voice instead.“Rebecca.You need me?”
