Page 115 of This Time Around
Thirty-Six
Rebecca
My pulsed raced so quickly my blood was burning, running through my veins with such speed I was afraid for my health.I jumped off the bed, the unsigned contract flittered to the floor.
Cooper, the man I loved, was sitting here in front of me, essentially telling me he would walk away from his dream, from his life and his career…for me.
My head shook.“Why?”
“Why do I love you?”He hadn’t moved from the bed.Knees bent, bare feet settled on the floor, he leaned forward and clasped his hands together, elbows rested on his knees.“I have a list.But it’s long.”
“No.”I gestured to the floor where papers had scattered.“Why would you do that?”
Because I love you and I didn’t want to leave you.
He’d already answered.It made no sense.
“You can’t give everything up for me.”I stepped back.His laser-sharp eyes on my every movement.
His tongue rolled across the front of his teeth.“It’s funny, because until you said that, I hadn’t felt like I was giving up anything in choosing you.”
Oh my God.My hand flew to my chest, to my heart that was racing.Just yesterday, while folding socks, I’d wondered if something like that was possible.But I would never ask him to give up everything he’d worked for.“Cooper—”
I clicked my mouth shut.I had nothing to say.
He meant every word he said to me, I could see it in the lines tightened around the outer edges of his eyes, the sad pull of his lips.
“I can’t ask you to do that.To walk away from your life.”
He rolled his lips together, dropped his head.God, the pain on him.I curled my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching for him.This morning, I’d gone to church, dressed up and prettied myself up and took off, telling myself I needed some quiet.I needed a peaceful place to go to figure everything out.And then I went and did something I hadn’t ever done.
I sat at my parents’ graves.And Joseph’s.I cried my eyes out, gave him all my anger and betrayal and all my forgiveness.I sat in front of my mom and dad’s grave markers and told them everything.I told them about Joseph, about Jenni.I spilled everything I had felt much too ashamed of to speak to anyone who could actually respond until I’d given it to Cooper.
It hadn’t been enough, though, because the person I needed to give everything to was Joseph and even if he couldn’t respond, I still had to let it all go if I had any hope of ever moving on.
I didn’t expect to get home and search for Cooper, only to stand in the doorway to the guesthouse, the last place I thought to look for him, and I’d done it for several minutes, him not even realizing I was there, he was so wrapped up in whatever he was reading.
And he expected me to sit back and watch him walk away from something that enraptured him in a way I’d never seen?Not even when he was with me?
He stood from the bed, his hands on his hips as he scanned the papers on the bed, the scribbles in margins all over the bent pages like he hadn’t read through it only once, but a dozen times.
“I must have been wrong, then, because I thought I was walking toward something that’d be better than anything I could imagine.”
Me.He meant me, and more than anything I wanted to reach out and grab him and walk wherever he led me because I had no doubt he’d be right.But to choose?
I’d never ask that of him.One or the other.
All my thoughts from yesterday rushed through me.In all of the options I considered, him walking away from his career, one he always said he loved, had never been one of them.Not for me.Not when we were so new.
“Cooper,” I tried again, but this time, he held up his hand and stopped me.
“I’m in love with you, Rebecca.I want this life here, with you, the ranch, the animals.I want to build a life here and someday, ask you to marry me.I want kids to run inside, filthy from rolling in the dirt and chasing chickens and goats.”
“You sound so certain.”If I could slap myself, I would have.What was I saying.Why was I so doubting?
A look flashed through his eyes and his shoulders slumped.“You don’t love me.”
It was a statement, not a question and one I desperately wanted to argue with, but the words still wouldn’t come.I was too drained from the morning, the looks at church, the hugs and the condolences and the smiles and the welcomes and the conversation with Joseph and saying goodbye.
