“What, then?” he asked.
“Just stay with me. Please.”
“Why?”
“There’s no one else. I don’t want Roshan to see me like this.”
Neiryn hesitated. Then he went to the door, locked it, and returned to the bed. Kadaki looked relieved, if still miserable. He stretched out on the space beside her. The action felt natural, even after all this time. They had slept beside each other like this many times in Kuda Varai and afterward.
He’d been intimate with a number of other men and women before. He had slept beside many, too. But there had never been anyone other than Kadaki with whom he had felt this kind of peace.
It had always felt right with her. They were so different, but since the moment he’d met her, there had been something about her that made him feel comforted and fulfilled.
He just liked being beside her. Her presence made him content in a way that nothing else did. Even now.
He raised his eyebrows when she reached down to hold his hand. That had never been a part of their sleeping arrangements before. She never touched him.
“Will you kiss me again?” she said.
His brow furrowed. “Now?”
“Yes.” She sounded frustrated. Desperate.
“No.”
Anger and hurt passed over her features. Then she leaned over and kissed him anyway, crushing her lips inexpertly against his. It was still not wholly unpleasant, if he was honest, but he had more than a little difficulty maintaining desire for a captive woman. He kissed her back until her mashing became less aggressive, then he pushed her away.
“I need a distraction,” she said.
“I know.”
“Why won’t you kiss me?”
“Because I don’t want you like this.”
The corners of her lips twisted down in disgust. “Why not? I’m not good enough for you now?”
“I don’t want to be just a distraction,” he said in exasperation. “I don’t want to be used. I want to be wanted. Don’t you know anything about people, Kadaki? Can’t you have a little empathy?” The words were out before he could think better of them, and immediately he was embarrassed to have been so candid.
Her expression changed into the slight frown she wore when she was thinking deeply about something. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have…” She trailed off, sagging into the bedding.
She was quiet for a very long time. For a half hour or so of silence, he could hear the stress in her labored breathing. Then, gradually, her breaths softened and slowed.
“What did you do after you left?” she said, her voice cutting the long quiet.
The question filled him with guilt. “I went home.”
“By yourself?”
He nodded. “I followed the road east to Livaki. It was a dangerous route. There were many Ardanian patrols on the road and not much cover to hide in. At night there were wolves. But when I got to Livaki, I happened upon a group of Ysuran soldiers on their way back to Tal-Vreth. They took me in and escorted me all the way to the city.”
“And then?”
“I met with my commander. We discussed what had happened in Kuda Varai. I was put back on my former assignment in Ysura. Things continued as usual after that. It was like I’d never left, for the most part.”
He already knew what she had done after he’d gone. She’d struggled, alone.
“Except that I still thought of you often,” he said. “I missed you.”
