Page 73 of The Boss
“Go away!” My voice cracked, but I didn’t care if he knew how pissed I was at him. He didn’t matter. Only my mom did.
“Ashlee, I–”
“No!” I snapped. “Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.”
He held up his hands, palms out in the universal sign of surrender, and began walking backward, his expression stricken. I didn’t wait to see how far he’d go or even for him to turn around. I needed to talk to my mom before things got any worse.
“I can explain,” I said as I turned toward her. “Please.”
Her face was pale, lips pressed into a flat line that I recognized all too well. As a child, I’d seen it when she and Mona had fought, only realizing later that it meant she’d been hurting.
I sat back down and moved my chair until I was facing her. I reached out, half-expecting her to refuse to let me touch her, but she didn’t. I took her hands, hating how cold her fingers were, hating that I’d hurt the only person who’d always loved me, always been there for me. Even when she’d been fighting for her life, she’d made sure I didn’t lose myself while helping take care of her.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I never meant…” My words trailed off, my chest tightening.
“How long?” she asked softly, her eyes wet.
Maybe it made me a coward, but I avoided answering her question. “Finding my dad doesn’t mean you’re not an amazing parent or that I felt like something was missing in my life. It’s just–”
She cut me off. “You think I’m upset because you looked for your father?”
I frowned, confused. “Aren’t you?”
Mom sighed. “Ashlee, what was the one thing I always said was worse than any rule you broke?”
That was when it clicked. Shit. “Lying about it.”
The two of us had never really butted heads like a lot of mothers and daughters, mostly because I was generally a good kid and she was an awesome mother. I’d never been a fan of parties or just hanging out, so there’d never really been a need for a curfew or grounding or anything like that. Despite that, I’d always known that if I broke a rule, it was better to confess than to try to hide it. Getting caught in a lie meant a punishment twice as harsh.
“I’m upset that you didn’t feel like you could come to me about this,” Mom said. “I could have helped you, or at the very least, listened when you needed to talk. You shouldn’t have had to go through this alone. You could have trusted me.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I should have come to you. I thought I was protecting you, but I should have trusted in you and our relationship.”
She freed one hand and put it on my cheek, wiping my tears away with her thumb. “I love you, Ashlee. More than anything in this world, I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I sniffled. “Can you forgive me for lying to you about this?”
She leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Of course. Forgiven and forgotten.”
We leaned against each other and didn’t say anything for several minutes. I knew that, eventually, I’d need to tell her the whole story, and I’d have to deal with whatever issues Nate had brought with him, but for a few minutes, I was content to sit right here with her.
Before I was ready, Mom pulled back, settling in a more comfortable position. I knew what she was going to say, but I waited for her anyway. I needed to be completely sure that this was what she wanted. I didn’t want to lie or tell half-truths, but I also didn’t want to give her too much information. Guilt and worry knotted my stomach. She had forgiven me, but I didn’t know if I could forgive myself.
“Tell me everything.”
She was the bravest woman I knew. After losing Mona, Mom could’ve been so frightened of losing me too, she could have held me back from the world. Now, she could have used my guilt against me to keep me from knowing my father. Instead, she wanted me to talk.
“When you were first diagnosed with cancer, it hit me that if you died, I’d be alone.” I hated how blunt that was, but Mom had never liked sugar-coating, and if I was going to do this, I’d do it right. “I was seventeen, had only one parent and no extended family. I had a couple friends, but no one close to me except you.”
“Ash, sweetie.” Mom’s eyes shone with tears. “I didn’t know.”
“I know, Mom.” I gave her a watery smile. After a moment, I continued, “At some point, I started thinking that if I found out who my father was, maybe I would have someone if you died. I knew that it would be nearly impossible, but it was something I could think about when everything got to be too much.”
“Was that what you did those times I was in the hospital, and you were home alone?”
“It was.” My cheeks flushed. “I’m ashamed to say that I did some snooping. I had to find out where you’d gone for the insemination.”
It was Mom’s turn to frown. “I don’t really have anything that I’d worry about you finding, but I didn’t think that I kept anything that would tell you about the sperm bank I used.”
