‘I haven’t, but I don’t think I need help. Coming back here has been a good move.’
I appreciated that they cared but it was amazing how much stronger I felt in just five weeks. Being back home, being close to nature and surrounded by the people who loved me was doing wonders for me. With hindsight, it probably would have been a good idea to get some professional help when I moved to Newcastle and it became apparent that it wasn’t going to give me the fresh start I’d hoped for. Then again, I’d had my head buried in the sand like Georgia said, refusing to admit that things were worse there than they had been in Willowdale. Seeing a counsellor had never entered my mind then. If it had, maybe I’d have returned sooner but I was here now and my life was getting back on track so perhaps I was exactly where I was meant to be when I was meant to be. It was a comforting thought.
27
I’d told Rosie I’d join her in the riding stables on Monday morning but the sound of the rain battering against the windows woke me up before my alarm clock sounded and I was very tempted to wriggle further under the duvet and stay there. Rosie wouldn’t have minded me being a no-show. She’d made it clear that she loved my company and appreciated the help but there was never any obligation to turn up, even if I’d said I would. That didn’t sit well with me. A promise was a promise and it wasn’t like a bit of rain was going to do me any damage.
I wrapped up in my waterproof and reached for a golf brolly in a holder by the front door but changed my mind on hearing the wind outside. An umbrella would be turned inside out in no time.
It was a trudge across the estate to the stables at the far side. The quickest route was along one of the forest tracks but it would be very muddy and I wasn’t convinced that a short cut through the woods in high winds was the best idea. As I hastened along the path at the edge of the woods, avoiding the puddles, I wondered if this was the type of weather that triggered Alice’s PTSD. I hoped she was okay today.
‘Good morning!’ Rosie called cheerfully. ‘You decided to brave the weather.’
‘It’s wild out there. I was sorely tempted to hide indoors.’
‘Me too. I don’t mind the rain but I don’t like it when it’s windy too.’
We discussed what I could do to help her that morning and I set about working.
‘I was thinking about your mum on the way down,’ I said when we took a break a little later. ‘Is this the type of rain that can trigger an episode for her?’
‘Exactly this. It wasn’t windy that night but it was this sort of torrential rain. I used to feel so on edge any time it was like this. Mam hasn’t had an episode since she left Applevale Lodge but it doesn’t mean she won’t, so I stopped by the cottage first thing this morning. She was up and she was okay. My dad tends to stay over when heavy rain’s forecast and it really helps having him there. He’s such a calming presence.’
The phrase jolted me. My mum used to say that about Flynn, that he made the perfect partner for me because he was the sunshine to my storm, able to calm me when the fire inside me burned out of control. It was true, but that was because Flynn had a gift for helping me see that whatever I’d got het up about didn’t really matter in the great scheme of things. Until that time when it did.
Rosie and I returned to our work and my phone buzzed with a message.
From Georgia
Johnnie just rang. Keira’s gone into labour and it’s advancing fast. They’re on their way to the hospital now. Keira’s fine, taking it all in her stride x
It was Keira’s due date today and, although Astrid had been two weeks late, it hadn’t followed that Arlo would be the same. My stomach tightened and a feeling of melancholy cloaked me. I knew why – because it was Monday and Noah had been born on a Monday. It angered me that it bothered me, just like it had angered me when I’d reacted badly to the news that my niece was expecting a boy. What had I just been saying to Mum on Friday about not needing any professional help? Maybe I did because having a negative reaction to my great-nephew being born on the same day of the week as my son wasn’t rational.
‘Anything else you need help with?’ I asked Rosie when I’d completed the tasks she’d given me.
‘No, you can head off now. I’d come with you but I’m going to check on Mam again.’
‘Say hi from me and say hi to Autumn when you see her later.’ The riding stables were closed on a Monday but Rosie gave Autumn a riding lesson. She’d offered me lessons too but I’d never fancied riding. I thought horses were beautiful creatures and I was thoroughly enjoying being around them, but heaving myself into a saddle and riding one held no appeal.
‘What a numpty I am! Nearly forgot to say! We’re skipping the ride cos of the weather and wondered if you’d like to join us for lunch at The White Willow.’
If she’d asked me before I got Georgia’s message, I’d have said an enthusiastic yes but now I knew I wouldn’t be good company so better to dip out than bring them both down.
‘I’d have loved to but Keira’s gone into labour. I want to get ahead with a couple of my other projects so I can take time out to meet the new baby.’
‘Aw, how lovely. I hope everything goes well and I’ll see you back at the house later.’
I pulled my waterproof back on, waved goodbye and left the stables, my mood as dark as the stormy skies overhead.
* * *
Back at the hall, I hung up my wet clothes to dry and warmed up in the shower. When I settled down to work I couldn’t concentrate so I went downstairs, made a coffee and took it into the library. I’d fallen in love with this room and was so glad we were going to preserve it. With the fire lit, I curled up on one of the sofas with my favourite architecture book.
It was mid-afternoon when a message came through on the family WhatsApp.
From Johnnie
Arlo Nathaniel Randall is here! Born at 1.19p.m. weighing 8lb 1oz. Everything went smoothly and Keira and Arlo should be home this evening. We’d love to introduce him to you all but it would be great if you could give us a couple of days to get settled in first.
