As we continued along the path, I shared what I’d said and done and what it pushed Jessie to reveal.
‘The thought of Noah feeling invisible was like an arrow through my heart,’ I said. ‘If that was how he felt, then perhaps he’d turned to drugs to fill some void inside which I’d created.’
‘No, Mel. You can’t blame yourself.’
‘Can’t I? I’m a workaholic. I always have been. Flynn wasn’t a workaholic like me, but he was a grafter and he was ambitious so he was happy to put the hours in. The hard work reaped financial rewards and Noah got the benefit of those, but was having the latest iPhone really as important to him as having my time?’
‘Youdidgive him time. I can’t believe you’d ever question that.’
‘I don’t think it was enough. Jessie said we didn’t involve him in the dream house and she was right. We shut him out. It wasn’t intentional but it happened. We never once asked him for his opinion. What sort of message did that send him?’
Georgia stopped walking, grabbed the tops of my arms and turned me to face her. ‘Stop right there! I refuse to let you do this to yourself. Noah was a confident kid who had a great relationship with you and with Flynn. If he’d wanted to be involved in the house, he could have shoved himself in there and demanded to be included.’
She released my arms, but she wasn’t finished. ‘And don’t forget the dream house was exactly that – a dream. You hadn’t found a plot of land for it and you knew that, when you did, the plan would need to change to fit the space and the environment. If Noah had still been living at home at that point, of course you’d have involved him but it wasn’t real and Noah would have known that.’
‘Fair point, but it wasn’t just the house. I think he might have tried to talk to me about other things and, you know me – if it’s subtle, I’m oblivious.’
‘I know that about you, but Noah knew it too. We all did. Family standing joke.’
‘I was his mum. I should have known he was feeling pushed out.’
We set off walking once more.
‘Do you know what the hardest job in the world is?’ Georgia asked. ‘Parenthood. I reckon that, because he was eighteen and because you were his mum, you’d probably have been the last to know what was going on with him. In the main, kids turn to their friends first. Maybe he did turn to Jessie and maybe he did share some stuff and maybe some of it was about feeling left out but you’ll never know for sure. You’re blaming yourself for something a scared, grieving teenager said – something she’s just admitted she over-exaggerated – but the only one who knows what really went on is Noah and he’s not here to explain. You drove yourself up the wall trying to find answers last time and did you get them?’
‘No.’
‘So don’t go down that road again because the answers weren’t available back then and they certainly aren’t going to be now. And please stop blaming yourself. Jessie’s admitted to exaggerating how things were. Maybe you can blame yourself for making her snap, but you can’t blame yourself for whatever Noah was or wasn’t feeling. Promise me.’
‘I promise.’ But I wasn’t confident it was a promise I could uphold. Jessie might have apologised and claimed she’d made a bigger thing of it than it was but I’d had seven years to think about her words and she’d been right. I hadn’t done it consciously and I certainly hadn’t done it when he was young and dependent on me but, when Noah hit his teens and became increasingly independent, spending more time in his room or with his friends, I’d prioritised work. I’d thought he enjoyed his freedom – no embarrassing mum always wanting to know what he was doing – but I hadn’t been there for him when he’d really needed me and that was hard to come to terms with.
25
In equal measure, I was looking forward to and dreading Tuesday lunchtime with my parents. I still felt ashamed for storming round there and having a go at them on Friday. Even if Mum hadn’t had a health scare to contend with that week, it had been the wrong approach to take. I wished I’d paused to think that through, but being impulsive in my personal life was one of my faults that hadn’t improved with time, no matter how self-aware I was about it.
I drove into Willowdale first thing for some freshly baked bread from the bakery, picked up the rest of our lunch treats from a deli in Keswick, then returned to the hall for a couple of hours of work.
Georgia messaged me shortly before I left for Derwent Rise to wish me luck. I hoped I wouldn’t need it.
It was a little awkward at first. Dad welcomed me at the door but he looked frazzled. I dropped the bags off in the kitchen before going through to the lounge to say hello to Mum. I looked from Mum to Dad and back again. There was tension in the air, as though I’d arrived in the middle of an argument, and I hoped our time together would ease rather than exacerbate it.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked Mum. She was sitting in her usual spot on the sofa with her feet raised on the recliner.
‘Tired. I think a combination of a week away and last week’s shenanigans have well and truly taken it out of me.’
‘If you need to rest, we can take a raincheck,’ I said.
‘Have you two been in cahoots?’ She looked from me to Dad, eyebrows raised. Evidently that’s what the argument had been about.
‘No, but youdoneed to rest,’ Dad said.
‘And I’ve been doing that all morning and will continue to do so all afternoon just like I did all weekend so please let it go and make me the cup of tea you promised me fifteen minutes ago.’
‘I thought I…’ Dad shook his head. ‘No, I put the kettle on but then the post arrived and I forgot. Cup of tea coming right up. Do you want one, Mel?’
‘I’d love a coffee.’
‘He’s driving me mad,’ Mum said as soon as Dad left the room. ‘I know it’s only because he cares but I can’t even scratch my nose without him telling me to relax.’
