Ares
Parties cheer everyone up! Free beer!
Audra
Fine but if it’s not fun I want to go home.
Ares
Deal!
Ravyn
Deal!
Ravyn
Jinx!
Ares
Jinx!
I roll my eyes at their shenanigans. Taking a deep breath, I rise from the chair I’m sitting on, abandoning my coffee to trudge up the stairs to go get ready.
I throw on a playlist filled with a mix of indie pop and pop punk music. I open up my closet to pick out an outfit. I flit through my old going out clothes. It’s been so long since these have had any use. It doesn’t even feel natural to slip into one of these outfits anymore.
I pull myself into a skin tight, black skirt, yanking it up over my tights. I slip on a black mesh top to match. Something I haven’t been comfortable in in a long time.
But in the spirit of ‘fuck it’, I decide to try it out for the night. Sure, I’m not particularly comfortable at any time given the circumstances, but I try to suck it up because I can’t remember the last time I went out to a party. I know it was before I was with Tyler, he never would have let me.
I take a minute to think about how I see myself in a party environment now, but I can’t. It’s so far from the way I’ve felt lately that I actually can’t picture myself there. Still, I take one last look in the mirror and a deep breath before forcing myself downstairs to wait for Ares and Ravyn.
* * *
Ravyn holds my hand,leading me into the house of some guy we barely know. Most people are inside, but some have wandered out onto the front porch and into the yard.
I have no clue how we caught the invite to this party. When I asked Ares, he shot me a wink and said “Thank Kat,” as if that made any kind of sense.Who the fuck is Kat?I guess for him, it makes perfect sense. Maybe if things were different, it would make sense for me, too. I shake my head, trying to stop myself from spiraling out before we even get ten feet into this house.
Ares leans in before we walk in the door to whisper to me, “If you get uncomfortable, just let me know and I’ll get you home.” I nod gratefully and follow Ravyn in, Ares not far behind us.
If you’ve been to one house party, you’ve been to them all. It reeks of weed, cheap beer, and sweaty bodies. Some rap song is on in the backroom but people are yelling over it so loudly, I’m not even sure if you could tell what’s playing.
A shock of anxiety zaps at the top of my neck, running all the way down my spine until I feel it in my toes. I tighten my grip on Ravyn’s hand and turn around to be sure Ares is still following. Our eyes meet and he instantly clocks my anxiety, giving me a reassuring smile and mouthing‘you’re okay’.
I offer him a small smile and turn back around, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I try to keep a steady pace behind Ravyn until we arrive at the drink table.Yeah I’ll definitely need some of this.I grab a shot of some of the cheapest vodka I’ve ever ingested and throw it back, feeling it burn my throat the whole way down. Then a second. Then a third. Only after my third shot and a few sips of the room temperature beer I picked up along the way, do I finally feel like maybe I can make it to the end of this party.
I follow Ares and Ravyn around for what feels like hours, but now I’m sitting next to some sweaty college guy I’ve never met that must go to Doves Harbor University with Ares.
I’m watching Ares and Ravyn whoop another pair’s ass in beer pong. Ares stands next to Ravyn, usually he’d be towering over whoever he’s next to but Ravyn herself is tall. With every toss of the ball her curls bounce along her shoulders and back. I try to be excited, to cheer for my best friends. Hell, I’d settle for just being able to look like I enjoy being here. But I don’t, and I can’t.
All I can think about is what it felt like running down the stairs of Tyler’s apartment complex, pleading with whatever God would listen that he wouldn’t follow me. I can’t party when I’m still there in that moment, fleeing the apartment and crying on the side of the road, covered in rainwater. I can’t cheer for my friends during a fucking beer pong game here when I’m stuckthere. My thoughts spiral and I feel my sanity circling the drain when a voice pulls me from my thoughts.
“Why are you at a party when you clearly want to be anywhere else?” a familiar voice asks from next to me. I look up and relief washes over me.
“That would be because your brother dragged me here,” I say with a fake smile to Roman, who is now standing in front of me. His loose, chestnut curls hang slightly in his face. His tongue makes a pass over his full lips as he looks down at me. He nods his head like he already knew that was the answer.
“Let me take you home?” he offers, holding up his keys. I shake my head. I can’t leave. I know this is the last place I want to be right now, but it’s supposed to be fixing something. Maybe me, maybe my friendships; I don’t know. What I do know is this is supposed to be making me feel better. It would feel like I’m giving up if I leave before I feel better or the party is over.
