Page 16 of Chaos
So many questions left unanswered.
I grab the file and shove it into the top drawer of my desk and slam it shut. I need to have Michael do some more digging into her past, but that will have to wait until I figure everything out here.
Hopefully tomorrow, Nico and I will be able to get some answers.
Serena
It’s well past midnight, but sleep is eluding me, even though I am dead on my feet. My eyes keep drooping shut, only for me to snap them back open, while sitting on the couch. I haven’t even been paying attention to the TV in front of me. Mom started a movie marathon hours ago with all the favorites that we loved. Currently, 10 Things I Hate About You is playing. It’s my favorite scene, the one where Heath Ledger is singing on the bleachers, and I can barely pay attention to it.
I look over to mom, who hasn’t left my side since the guys left earlier. She gave us the space we needed, reluctantly. The tension she carried in their presence started to thicken, though I don’t know why. Once the door closed behind them, it vanished into thin air. Since then, she has been able to relax. Or at least relax as much as she could.
Unlike me, who is fearful of sleep right now, she passed out about an hour ago. I know there is no reason to be afraid of sleep, but I also know that the second my eyes close, the nightmares will start. As much as I have been attempting to keep a brave face all day, and laugh off what happened, on the inside, I am breaking.
Having a gun pointed at me isn’t something I thought would ever be in the realm of possibilities in my life. That sort of thing only happens in the movies. But now, it has become reality, and I don’t know how to process that.
I get up, nudge Mom awake, and tell her we should go to bed. She sleepily rubs her eyes and nods to me. I stand next to the couch as Mom wraps the blanket around her shoulders and wanders down the hall to her room.
I wait until I hear her door close before I walk down the hall towards my room. My feet are sluggish as memories of last night start flooding in. My hands start shaking, and my breath goes ragged. I can still feel his hands on my body. The way he gripped me was like he was never going to let go. As if he finally got everything he ever wanted. His hot breath against my neck and his words in my ear. I start to uncontrollably shake, drowning in the memories I wish I didn’t have.
I don’t remember how I ended up in a ball on the floor, but when I came back to reality, that’s exactly where I am. My hand is in my hair, pulling hard. The sharp sting on my scalp is the only thing that keeps me grounded in the present. Tears are streaming from my eyes like a never-ending waterfall. I faintly feel a hand on my back. I scream and jump away, thinking he is back for me. I turn and try to scramble away when Mom’s face comes into view. She looks petrified at my reaction.
Slowly, Mom moves to sit next to me. Her eyes never leave mine, making sure I am all right with the movement. I stay as still as my body can while still shaking. Mom curls in next to me and slowly wraps her arms around me. The second I felt her touch, I practically threw myself into her and cried.
I cry for the violation I felt last night. I cry for the fear I felt tonight just trying to walk to my room. I cry for the fear that life is getting too complicated. But I mainly cry at the thought of what if he comes back, and next time, he finishes the job he started.
I feel Mom’s hand rubbing up and down my back. She is whispering words that I can’t hear, but I can guess what she is saying. It’s probably the same words she said to me while I was in the hospital months ago.
You are stronger than anything that is happening to you.
We will get through this trauma. Together.
It’s us against the world.
Nothing will take you away from me. I promise that.
I remember those words she said to me when I woke in the hospital after passing out from not eating. The fear she had when she spoke to me every day, telling me I was getting too skinny and looking sick. She would beg me to eat, and I wanted to make her happy, but the second I was finished, I would be kneeling in front of the toilet, expelling everything I just ate.
The sudden realization that I have spent too much time in the hospital lately sends a bubble of laughter up my throat. It escapes, and soon I am hysterically laughing. Laughing so hard it starts to hurt my sides. Mom is still holding me while I go through these turbulent emotions that I can’t get a hold of.
It takes a few moments before the laughter stops, and I can feel my heart rate return to normal. Mom and I don’t move. We stay seated on the floor in the hallway in silence. I can’t say I feel at peace, but I no longer feel like I am going to break down completely.
Mom stands first, reaching a hand out to help me up. My legs are shaky beneath me, but with her help, I can stand. I feel like Bambi the first time he tried to walk. Uneasy and completely unstable.
My eyes instantly darted to my bedroom door, and I started shaking again. Instinctively, Mom catches what is wrong and leads me into her room. She walks me over to her bed and pulls the covers back. I crawl into her bed, feeling like a little girl again who needs her mom to scare away the monsters under her bed. This time, the monster is real, and it wasn’t under my bed.
She kisses my forehead before walking out of the room. I can hear my bedroom door open and close a few seconds later. Mom walks down the hall, passing her room and into the kitchen. She comes back a minute later with a glass of water and a bottle of medication. I thankfully take both from her. I popped a pill into my mouth and chugged back the entire glass of water. When the glass is empty, Mom grabs it from my hand and places it on the bedside table.
My eyes feel heavy, and I snuggle as much as I can into Mom’s bed. It takes some time to find a position that is comfortable enough to sleep in, but when I find it, I drift off to sleep.
I woke up screaming. My body is covered in sweat, and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. My eyes scan the dark room I am in, not recognizing it at first, but slowly the recognition hits me.I am safe. I am in Mom’s room. He isn’t here. He can’t hurt me.
Mom isn’t in bed with me, but I can hear her footsteps running towards the room. The door whips open as she charges in with a frying pan, holding it high above her head like she is wielding a sword ready for battle. She quickly looks around, and when she doesn’t see anyone in here, she lowers the pan and looks at me.
“I’m alright. Just a bad dream.” My voice is hoarse, and the words feel scratchy as I say them.
Mom gives me a worried look before nodding her head. She waits for me at the door as I crawl out of her bed, and we both walk into the kitchen. The table is full of food, more than the two of us can eat. Mom is stressed cooking again. She has always found solace in cooking. It focuses her mind on something when life gets too crazy for her.
She helps guide me to the table, and we sit across from each other. I fill my plate with a little bit of everything and devour it like I haven’t eaten anything in a month, but I don’t taste anything. I know it is delicious, but it tastes like ash in my mouth.
