Page 70 of Desperate Haste
“Hey!” Kolbi calls out from the end of the table and we both turn to look at him. He and Magnolia are sharing an oversized armchair that the restaurant brought over just for them. “No kissing at the table, this is my wedding night. The only ones kissing should be me and my wife.” The table erupts in laughter and cheers as the two of them kiss.
I try to laugh along with them so as to not raise suspicion and while it might sound authentic, it feels artificial. As hard as I’m trying to be in the moment—with her, with them—my mind and body are hyper fixated on the desperate need for my next hit.
This is what drugs do to you. They whisper into your ear begging you to give them a chance. Just one time, you’ll be fine. But in that one time, that one chance, they sink their hooks into you and never let you go. And slowly, one hit after another, they drag you down further and further into the darkness until you’re so far in that you can’t find your way out.
I knew this already. I’ve learned this lesson before.
But yet, here I am again. Feeling myself sinking farther and farther into the darkness and spending my days waiting for the release that follows a swallow instead of being able to focus on the big moments that are happening around me.
And the reality of that truth makes me feel even more like a giant fucking failure.
35
MALCOLM
“Malcolm…Malcolm? Hey, Malcolm!” Alice’s voice pulls me out of my head and back into reality.
“Jesus, Alice. What the fuck do you want?” I snap and turn around in the office chair I’m sitting in. I had come to the office to do some administrative work for Butcher and Block before leaving for the night to head to Kolbi’s. It’s our first time picking up for campaign night after he and Magnolia did a two week trip around Europe for their honeymoon.
“First of all”—she places a hand on her hip before popping it to one side—“youdo notspeak to me that way. Secondly, what the hell are you still doing here?”
“What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m working. I have to finalize the schedule for the next two weeks and?—”
“Malcolm, I don’t know what you call working but you definitely werenotjust working. You were dead ass asleep when I came in here.”
I was?
“Well I’m awake now, happy? Now leave me alone so I can finish this.” My voice is gruff, but when I go to spin the chair back around to face the computer, her hand stops me.
“Dude, are you okay?” Her voice is filled with concern and her eyes look at me as if she’s looking at a wounded animal.
“Why would you think I’m not okay?”
“Because you look like shit,” she deadpans. My tongue pushes into the inside of my cheek as I try not to lose control. “Plus, you haven’t been acting like yourself recently. You move through this place like a zombie, I haven’t seen you pick up a book in weeks, it looks like you haven’t eaten since March, and the bags under your eyes are big enough to carry the entire contents of my purse. And when was the last time you’ve been to the training center? I haven’t heard you mention it in weeks.”
She moves around the chair and sits on the edge of the old wooden desk that I’m pretty sure Marshall plucked off the side of the road one day and hauled in here to use for the office, not wanting to pay for something new. “I’m concerned, Malcolm.”
“Well, I’m fine and you don’t need to worry. I just haven’t been sleeping recently—too much on my mind.”And too much in my system, I think to myself. My once a day habit is now two because one isn’t enough anymore to help me stay focused and efficient. Clearly I’m going to need to bump that up if people are noticing me slipping.
She studies me for a beat with her lips tucked before speaking. “Alright, if you say so. You’ll come to me if you need help though?”
“Yes,I’ll come to you if I need any help. Thank you, Alice.” I attempt a smile and pray that it passes as normal. I assume it does when she moves off the desk and walks for the office door to head back out to the main part of the bar.
“Oh, and Malcolm?” she calls out and I turn around to look at her.
“You know it’s seven thirty, right?”
“Fuck,” I groan, standing hastily from the chair and grabbing my shit as quickly as I can. I’m supposed to be at Kolbi’s by now and it’s going to take me at least twenty minutes to get there.
Conrad’s going to kill me.
* * *
Before heading inside,I pull out my stash that I keep hidden in the back of my glovebox and quickly swallow my third dose of the day. I took two this morning like I’ve been doing the last two weeks but after the run-in with Alice, I figure one more isn’t a bad idea. Sitting across the table from my friends I do my best to stay focused on the story Kolbi is weaving for us like he always does but my brain keeps getting distracted by everything happening around us.
How loud the TV is in the other room.
The noises coming from the kitchen where Ms. Ruthie is shuffling around.
