Page 107 of Feral Werewolves
“Yeah,” she said. “It does mean that.”
“You could, uh, you could talk about what happened to you.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Fair,” I said. I settled back into the bed. “I get that. I, uh, don’t totally like to talk about things like that either.”
“Right, because it’s happened toallof you out here,” she said, rolling over to look at me.
“Me less,” I said. “I’m older and bigger and it works for me. It’s a protection in and of itself. I use that, when I can, to protect the others.”
“But it has happened.”
“Not, uh, not in wolf form,” I said. “Not more than one at once. Not when I’m, you know, inyourbody. There were times I didn’t fight because I needed to let people do things to me or else, you know, I didn’t have a place to stay or food or shit—”
“Jesus,” she whispered.
I rolled over to face her. “Yeah, it’s been bad here.” I surveyed her. “Still, whatever you went through—”
“You’ve all had it worse than me,” she said.
“What the fuck? No, we have not.”
“You shifted into an animal, did violence to people you cared about, were shunned from society, sent to a hellscape of monsters who used you and hurt you, were forced to live in this trauma world where you barely even can survive, and all the time, every full moon, you lose control of yourself and are compelled to go and do sexual violence to women, which probably makes you feel guilty and confused. You’re victims and perpetrators all at the same time. Hard to know how to feel about any of it, I imagine.”
I swallowed. “Okay, yeah, but… there are compensations. Being a wolf, it’s awful, but it does mean you’re really fucking strong and terrifying.”
“You have power,” she whispered. “I’m powerless.”
“Not powerless,” I said. “You have power overme.”
“Manipulative power,” she muttered. “Like Paladin was saying.”
“No,” I said. “I don’t feel manipulated.”
“Never mind,” she said. “This isn’t helping. What would help is if I could just climb up here, straddle you, and ride your hard dick. Can I?”
My dick, somehow, was still hard. “No!”
She was hurt. She tucked into herself.
“That’s not actually going to help,” I said gently.
“It would so,” she said.
I mean, it seemed to work for Kestrel and Paladin, so what the fuck did I know? Maybe I even understood. If she took control of her sexuality, if she could choose what she did with her body, if she could give it to me instead of letting someone take it against her will, maybe that made her feel strong or healed. Maybe that gave her back her agency. “Okay,” I said. “Maybe. But Ican’t.”
“Oh,” she said in a different voice.
“I don’t know why, and maybe it’s dumb—”
“No, you don’t have to do anything at all,” she said. “I didn’t mean to pressure you. If you don’t want to—”
“It’s not that I don’t wantyou,” I said. “Do you get that? Because you’re perfect.Everythingabout you is perfect. It’s just about timing. It’s… not now.”
“What about…? Snuggling? Like we were? Is that okay?”
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, as long as you don’t mind.”
