Two years later
January
It’s beena long time since I last stepped foot on the Langley campus. This time, I’m a civilian contractor with a unique security clearance granted by the newly sworn-in forty-sixth POTUS.
I’m here to teach a class to the newest batch of recruits.Life on the Other Sidewas the working title I joked about with Caroline and Wilson, who both gave me valuable feedback as I developed the lecture.
But it was Jason who helped me the most. Like so many of these trainees, he was indoctrinated in a selflessness instilled through military service, and that unwavering loyalty to his country was almost his downfall.
It was also what saved him in the end.
So the second working title wasLife on the Other Side of Unchecked Loyalty, but I know the game. That has to be the subtle takeaway, not the headline.
I turn my attention to the instructor, who is introducing me.
“It’s my great honor to introduce Melinda Boyko, a former CIA operative who went on to have a remarkable second career in journalism under the anonymous pen name, Melinda Gray. She is the author of two bestselling non-fiction books,Private Plane, Private HellandThe Undoing of Giants. Today Ms. Boyko lives in California with her partner, and tries to visit Washington as little as possible.” He looks up. “It says that in the bio, and I was instructed to read the entire thing without revision.” The room erupts in laughter, which was my goal. Excellent. He smiles. “So it is obviously a great honor that she has agreed to spend the afternoon with us and present her lecture,At the End of the Day, We’re All Human.”
“Thank you so much,” I say, stepping to the lectern. “And I’ll be honest, I really wanted to give this as a TEDTalk, but I couldn’t get the best parts de-classified.” Another laugh. “Actually, the truth is there is no way that I could condense this talk into twenty minutes. Or do it without notes.
“My journey to this spot really begins not with my first day as a trainee, not with my time sitting where you are sitting right now, but with the day I handed in my resignation. Today, I’m going to talk to you all about the fact that one day you won’t be spooks any longer, and that’s going to be…strange. There will be secrets you need to keep forever. From loved ones at first, but then as time goes on, even from yourself. You will compartmentalize what you once were in order to move forward and be something else. Something whole and vulnerable and very human. That is, if you’re lucky. So let’s dig into all the reasons why that might be hard, and how you can be the best spy possible for your government while also investing in your future self so you can have a long and healthy retirement as a barista in Kansas.”
Jason is waitingfor me when I finish. “I got the tour. Saw the chunk of the Berlin Wall, went to Stealth Starbucks.”
“Was it everything you thought it would be and more?”
“Don’t tease. Some of us didn’t get to actually be spies.”
“You’re my spy.”
“An excellent consolation prize.” He kisses me warmly on the mouth. “Ready to head home?”
“Yep.”
He takes me by the hand and leads me to the SUV we rented at the airport. We’re not lingering here. Back on a flight tonight, and we’ll land at LAX just as the sun sets. I didn’t just include that line in my biography because it got a good laugh. It’s the truth. Washington will forever be twisted up in trauma and misguided good intentions.
Particularly when waiting for us on the west coast is the crashing ocean, that magnificent breeze, and a quiet home perched high on top of a cliff.
The first thing Jason does when we arrive home is check to see if Monica needs a bit of water.
The second thing he does is pick me up and carry me to our bed.
“I have a new fantasy,” I whisper as he sucks on my nipples through my shirt.
“Tell me.”
“You’re Batman. You catch me breaking into your Batcave and things get wild.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Messy. Needy.”
He groans.
Sex with Jason was, once upon a time, a game between two confidence artists.
We’re just broken enough to admin that was good.
This is so much better.
