Page 68 of Defend Me
That was why I couldn’t have Tilian. I couldn’t make him promises about some ideal future, no matter how much I’d been thinking about it lately. I was a vile, empty thing, and he deserved the world.
I opened my nightstand drawer and stared at the needle. It wouldn’t be enough right now and I didn’t want the marks to be fresh when I saw Holly again. Instead, I grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and took a couple of them before I laid down on my stomach, burying my face in the pillow.
Before, my eyes had been brimming with tears. Now, they were dry. Empty. I didn’t feel a single thing as I drifted to sleep, but I saw blue eyes. Maybe I could see him one time before the inevitable happened.
Chapter 20
Tilian
I didn’t like to skate all that much, but my little brother did. If I got on the ice, I could stay on my feet and fuck around, but that was the extent of it. Unless I was dragged to a rink by someone else, I wouldn’t just go for a leisurely skating session.
Since I hadn’t been visiting my family enough, according to them, they’d decided to surprise me at school. Imagine my immense fucking shock when I opened the door, freshly high off one of Brooks’ devilish dab pens, and I came face to face with my dad, stepmom, brother, and sister. I was only glad it wasn’t flower this time, so it didn’t reek of weed in there. They were none the wiser.
“Watch out for the people!” I called.
Alex grinned at me over his shoulder, but he made a more obvious effort not to run into anyone. I offered a smile to the couple he’d almost knocked on their asses. They didn’t seem pressed about it. Probably because my brother was adorable and full of an infectious type of energy. Everybody loved him.
I sped up as much as I could without risking all of my teeth. When he slowed near the edge, I came up on him fast. My arms wrapped around his middle and I lifted him, then let myself coast around the bend. He laughed and elbowed me in the ribs, so I put him down.
Alex was about to turn thirteen, but he was pretty small. It was hard to remember that he wasn’t a kid anymore. He was the youngest of the three of us. I was twenty-one and my sister, Violet, was eighteen. Now that we were together, I could recognize that I missed them. The experience was bound to wear on me some, but our relationship wasn’t as strained as it used to be.
I returned to the side and exited the rink. There was sweat dripping down my temple and I needed a minute to catch my breath.
“Til,” Miranda, my stepmom, called as she waved me over.
Despite not wanting to be dragged into conversation, I sat beside her. She hugged me and when she pulled back, I could see the slightest shimmer in her dark eyes.
Even though she and my dad had only been married for five years, we were all pretty close with her. I didn’t call her mom, namely because I was fourteen when they started dating, so my attachment to her was a little different than my siblings. We interacted more like she was my aunt or something.
“You didn’t return my call last week,” she scolded, trying to look stern.
“Sorry. I told you to text me.”
“It’s too much back and forth when I want to catch up.”
“Yeah, but I don’t like talking on the phone.”
“Even for your family?”
I rolled my eyes and breathed a laugh. “Well, you’re here now, so it’s not required.”
“I wish you’d visit more. It’s not very far.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I just get caught up in school and stuff. It slips my mind.”
It was partly true. There was this disconnect that happened when I didn’t see them for a while. Out of sight, out of mind in a way. It was also draining to be around family, even though our relationship was okay. Being around most people was that way, actually.
I ran a hand through my hair. Her eyes caught on my nails and her lips pursed for the slightest moment.
“That’s a nice color,” she noted.
I looked at the matte purple polish I’d painted on them this morning. “Thanks.”
“Any new friends? Boyfriend?” She nudged me with her elbow playfully.
“Uh…”
“You have a boyfriend?” Alex asked from a few feet away.
