Page 148 of Defend Me
“Be this person. I don’t want to be me anymore. I’m empty and if I open up, I’ll drain you just to feel whole for a second.”
“You’re not a black hole.”
“You want me to tell you about me, but I don’t know how.”
I stroked his hair away from his face. “You think all these horrible things about yourself, but they aren’t true. They aren’t. Show me who you are and I’ll show you what I love about every part.”
“I’m a product of a world that preys on the weak, Tilian.”
“That’s sort of… dramatic. You’re eighteen years old. You still have every opportunity to keep yourself from doing things that will make you like them. And whatever has already happened, you can choose not to do it again. It happened and now you can move on. It’s over.”
His fingers tightened and released on my skin a few times. “That’s what Kai said, but I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“That it’s too late. I lie and manipulate. At the drop of a hat, I can become exactly who I need to be to play the game flawlessly.”
“Fuck the game. Flip the board. Shove the pieces down some CEO’s throat.”
Despite everything, he breathed a small laugh. “If I’m not all of that, then I don’t know who I am.”
“I know who you are. I see you. I fucking see you and I just wish you could too.” I kissed his lips gently, hoping he took comfort from it the way I did. “You will, okay? You’ll see what I do.”
He just nodded and dropped his gaze.
“Have you thought about taking some time to think on your own, without your parents in your ear?” I asked.
“I have been. The other day, I talked to my dad and I don’t think he knows what my mom told me to…” He stopped abruptly, that sick look coming over his face.
Lying on his chest again, I stayed silent so that he could process his thoughts. It was comfortable and, in combination with my high, I could fall asleep.
“January,” he said. When I started to lift my head, he moved his hand to the back of my neck, holding me there. “I met with Holly because my mom told me to. Fostering relationships, building connections and all that. I’ve slept with people before to get what I want, but when she initiated, I left. My mom…” He sighed. “She heavily implied that I’d made the wrong decision and needed to fix it. That was a Friday. I went skating with you the next day.”
Oh my god. His strange behavior, the arcade, his volatile emotions, the way he pulled away… I was so blind that day. I thought he was off, but I’d been selfish, asking him for things he couldn’t give, then getting angry about it. If I’d known him the way I did now, maybe I could’ve stopped it…
What ifs weren’t going to help. That was an endless road that led nowhere.
He softened his grip on my neck, but I stayed there, knowing it was easier for him if he wasn’t looking at me. His fingers traced patterns on my skin as he continued.
“Monday, I went back to Holly’s office. I didn’t want to. It felt disgusting, but I tried to convince myself that it was like the others. A transaction, meaningless. I was shocked and horrified when I thought about you and it made me want to stop, but I didn’t. With every… touch… I just wanted someone to save me somehow. I just did enough to make her… then I tried to leave, but…”
“What?” I asked softly.
“She wouldn’t let me unless I finished. If I didn’t, the whole thing would’ve been for nothing, so I… sat there, staring at the fucking ceiling, being useless. “
I was silent for a long time. How could I think of a response to that? If I wasn’t careful with my words, I’d betray how horrified I was on his behalf. I’d seen him just days later, a complete wreck. That was what it’d done to him, but he insisted it was nothing.
“Are you angry?” he asked.
“Yes.” The way he tensed made me want to take it back, but Iwasangry. Furious. “Not at you, baby. I’m angry for you.”
“I didn’t say no.”
As if that made it any better.
“You were…” I didn’t want to say the word, afraid that it would make him shut down. “You have every right to be upset about this. What happened was wrong. She took advantage of you, coerced you.”
“I didn’t say no,” he repeated.
