Page 56 of Unfix Me
“This friend of yours- the confused one. Have you seen him since Saturday?”
“Just in class.”
“Mhm. I see. Has he attempted to talk to you?”
“Nope. We’ve gone our separate ways since I offended him.”
“I don’t want you to think of it like that. What you did was correct, as were the words you said. If he’s offended, it’s because he knows there’s truth in it. The longer he denies it, the more defensive he’ll become about it.”
“Right.”
“Are there any women on campus who you’re attracted to?”
“No,” I replied automatically. The way his brows rose as he took notes made me purse my lips.
“Can you identify at least one who you can imagine yourself with?”
“Uh, sure. There’s a cheerleader who talks to me.”
“Oh, wonderful. I’m sure she has a sort of feminine charm that’s quite alluring.”
I fought the urge to grimace. “Yeah, definitely. She’s beautiful.”
He smiled. “Since you’ve ended a problematic friendship, I think it’s a perfect time for you to pursue one that’ll better serve you. It doesn’t have to be romantic, but I’d like to see you try to find something like that. Based on what we’ve talked about recently, I think it would be beneficial to try some different types of therapy as well.”
“Like what?”
“Do you remember some of the exercises from camp? I know it was a while ago.”
My stomach curdled. I remembered them like it was yesterday.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I have a couple in mind-”
“I’m not doing those,” I interrupted.
“We’re just exploring options, Sen. We’ll discuss everything in depth later.”
Slumping in my seat, I started to lose myself to memories of my time that summer. I’d never thrown up so much in my life. Naked men should make you nauseous, so they gave us something that made us sick while they showed us pictures. If it wasn’t vomiting, it was pain or ridicule to the point of having a breakdown. Anything they could do to make us associate our urges with something terrible, they did it.
I couldn’t go through any of that again. I didn’t want to. Even now, I experienced some of that nausea when I was around Kai. It had largely faded over the years, but enough remained.
Would I ever be free from that place? Probably not and I guess that was the point. Things were changing, though. For the first time since I tried to rebel against the conversion and kissed Travis, my life felt real. I’d taken the wheel and I didn’t have any idea how to drive the fucking thing, but I’d rather crash and go flying out the windshield than be chained in the backseat any longer.
Every time Derek’s words started to make me doubt myself, I thought of Kai. He was my lighthouse, the only thing that could guide me out of the storm. No matter how many times I got swept out by the waves, I hoped he would still be there to bring me back. To save me.
I’ve got you. You’re safe with me.
Please let him mean those words.
*****
Kai:You look hot today.
My body tensed, but my lips curved upward. I looked over my shoulder and saw him already staring at me from the back of the classroom. In his black hoodie, with his dark hair loose over his forehead and damp from the rain, he looked like a devil. Dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth when he smiled. Then, the asshole winked.
Nothing could have prepared me for that.
