Page 44 of Unfix Me
Maybe it was because I didn’t havethosethoughts about him. He was attractive, which was already too much for me to notice, but he didn’t make my heart race or my skin warm. When his brown eyes landed on me, I didn’t forget how to breathe.
“You ready for our ethics test tomorrow?” Brooks asked.
I shrugged. “Probably. The study guide was long, but it doesn’t seem too hard.”
“I haven’t even looked at it. Guess I should go do that.” He got to his feet and stretched his arms above his head. “You kids have fun. Maybe deal with whatever weird tension is going on between you. It makes my joints hurt.”
“Your joints?”
“I don’t know, man. It just does. Like when someone can feel rain coming in their knee.”
“What does that even mean?” Kai mumbled, seemingly to himself.
As soon as Brooks was gone, I became too aware of the beating of my heart. It might drive me mad, the constant rush of blood that I could hear, and my fear that he could hear it too. I’d obviously read too much Poe in my life.
I shoved my water bottle into my backpack and struggled to zip it. There were things I needed to work on anyway.
“So, you’re just gonna run when we’re alone,” Kai noted when I began to stand. He was looking at his phone on the table and his expression was unnervingly blank.
“I have homework.”
With his face still angled down, he looked up at me through his lashes. “Why are you so afraid of me, Sen?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re afraid of something. It’s written all over your face. You’re not dumb enough to think that you can somehow ‘catch the gay’ from me and you didn’t give Brooks the same nauseated look you always direct at me.”
“I guess I’m just a shitty person,” I clipped before I turned around and stormed out of the cafeteria. I was barely outside when a bruising grip appeared on my arm.
Kai turned me around and thrust me against the wall. He crossed his arms over his chest, fixing me with a glare that matched the anger I was feeling. His green eyes were dark and the shadows from the building made him look like some avenging angel ready to smite me.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded.
I scoffed. “Me? You’re the one trying to piss me off.”
“To do that, I’d have to give a shit first.”
“So, talking about all of your sexual escapades with men wasn’t a way to taunt me because of my opinions about your lifestyle?” I asked incredulously.
“If you thought it was, it’s possible you’re reading into things. Have you ever considered that I, and people like me, just don’t give a shit about what you think about our lives?”
Leaning closer, I tried not to get lost in his scent. His fierce expression wavered and just for a second, I imagined that his breaths became uneven.
“I don’t care that Brooks is bi,” I said. “Maybe it’s just you that bothers me.”
When I shoved his chest, he narrowed his eyes. “In my experience, some of the angriest homophobes are severely repressed.” He stepped closer, grabbing my biceps so that I couldn’t strike at him. “Tell me, Seneca.” His face got so close to mine that I couldn’t bring myself to take a breath. “Do you hate me because you’ve thought about me naked?”
I wanted to say something mean or clever, but he was already walking away.
Instead of dwelling on it, I headed toward the dorms. Maybe I did need an outlet. Ax throwing didn’t sound like the right idea, although my dad would think it was a good activity for a man. It just wasn’t enough.
Sex seemed to win the popular vote.
*****
When I had sex in the past, it was either initiated by my girlfriend at the time or it just happened. I didn’t go out seeking it and I sure as hell didn’t text someone to invite them over.
As I sat on the bed with Kasey, I felt more than awkward. This felt scheduled, like an appointment. I hadn’t told her what I wanted, but I hoped that if we hung out alone, things might go in that direction.
