Page 26 of Hate That Blooms
Nate: Who’s mom?
Thiago: Cora told me. Said If I said anything to you, she’d stop seeing me. I didn’t think you’d care, anyway.
Nate: Gabby’s mom?
Eight fucking months ago. Why didn’t you fucking tell me?
Thiago: What would it have changed if you knew? You’ve got some weird love/hate shit going on with her. News flash, she fucking liked you, carnal. You fucked up. Me telling you her mom died wouldn’t have done anything. You still would have fucked with her.
I take a moment to let his words sink in. She fucking liked you.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Nate: Aw, come on, dude. The party. Let’s get some chick to suck your dick, and you’ll forget about her. You’ll feel better.
I could never forget about her. The only person who will ever have all of me is her.
Putting my phone back in my pocket, I head off to find my dad. Despite my anger, a part of me is reluctant to let go of it. I look at her and I see my mother leaving me. I see her dad being the reason she left. But I also see the girl that I have had a crush on since the third grade. The girl I jerk off to, because she is the only girl that’s ever gotten me hard. Gabriela is the girl I would have done anything to be with. I woulddoanything to be with. But the hate, even though I know it’s misguided, makes me want to hurt her.
Why did our parents have to fuck things up?
Chapter15
Gabriela
The constant presence of Joaquín in my life has made this summer exponentially worse. I foolishly believed that graduating would finally free me from his torment, but fate had other plans. Everywhere I turn, his gaze follows me, filled with a toxic combination of hatred and uncontrolled desire. While he may have stopped bullying me like he did in school, I can’t shake off the unsettling feeling he evokes within me.
On one hand, I’m relieved that he seems to have let go of his anger. I have far too many problems to deal with right now, and entertaining his wrath is simply not an option. Juggling the responsibilities of being a mother and working has proven to be the most challenging endeavor of my life. It feels like an endless cycle without any breaks, unlike when my mom was still alive. Those occasional moments of respite are now nothing but a distant memory.
The strain of taking care of Mireya around the clock is overwhelming. It leaves me questioning whether I will ever have the opportunity to have my own children or even get married. Witnessing my parents’ relationship fall apart has tainted my perception of a future filled with love and stability. I fear I may never experience the joy of starting my own family, and the weight of that uncertainty is suffocating.
* * *
The college acceptance letter sits in front of me on the table, urging me to make a hard decision. To choose between caring for my sister and working at the daycare until she is in a full day school program or breaking down and finding respite care so I can further my education now and create a better future for us.
How can I trust some stranger to care for my sister while I am gone? The thought that I would be away from her for long periods of time scares me. I can trust that highly trained people who do this for a living would keep Mireya safe. At least that’s what my brain tells me. It’s my heart that tries to say otherwise.
But deep down, I know that I can’t let fear hold me back from pursuing my dreams. I have worked so hard to get to this point, and turning down this opportunity would be a disservice to myself and my sister. I have always been her protector, her caregiver, but now it’s time for me to think about our long-term future.
I remind myself that finding the right respite care provider is crucial. I would never entrust my sister’s well-being to just anyone. I would thoroughly research and vet potential caregivers, checking their qualifications, references, and experience. Interviewing them extensively, asking all the important questions to ensure they are capable and compassionate.
It’s difficult to imagine someone else taking care of Mireya, someone who doesn’t know her quirks, her likes and dislikes, as well as I do. But I have to believe that professionals who dedicate their lives to caring for children like Mireya have the skills and expertise to handle any situation that may arise.
I could reach out to other parents in the local autism group who have used respite care services and hear about their experiences. Their insights and recommendations could provide some reassurance and help me make an informed decision.
Ultimately, I must trust in the process and have faith in my own judgment. I need to remind myself that this decision is not just about me; it’s about creating a better future for both myself and my sister. By pursuing my education and securing a stable career, I can provide a better life for us, ensuring that Mireya receives the care and support she needs. She'll be five in January, then she will be in kindergarten.
It won’t be easy, and there will undoubtedly be moments of doubt and guilt. In the end, it’s about finding the right balance between caring for my sister and creating a better future for us both.
* * *
The house is quiet at midnight as I sit in front of my laptop, paying bills and balancing the bank account. My phone pings with notifications from the group chat with Cora and Nat. They are at some party, and they are giving me a play-by-play of everything that’s going on.
Cora: The asshole just showed up with Thiago.
Natalie: You know, he never hooks up with any of the girls that hit on him. It’s almost like he couldn’t fathom having one of them touch him. Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen him with another girl.
What are you getting at?
