* * *
Trevor answers rightaway and he is happy to hear from me. He tells me his practice will be on the south side of Scranton, and it will be a nonprofit counseling center for low-income community members suffering through marital and family problems, addiction, and grief. It sounds amazing, and I am excited for Trevor. Trevor tells me a few others he is hiring will be looking for roommates if I’m interested.
The job would be different than anything I have done before. I haven’t ever worked for a non-profit. I don’t want to pass up a great professional development opportunity for me. Being closer to my dad and brother, two of the most important men in my life is also a great selling point. And Claire, oh how I’ve missed my best friend. But no Liam, Lucy, or Ellie who have become family to me—my heart constricts at just the thought of losing them. I’ve grown to love them all so much.
Moving home has plenty of drawbacks but I know working for a non-profit would allow for professional growth that I might not otherwise have the opportunity for. Of course, that would mean owning my own practice is out the window again for a while. I will need to think really hard over the next few days. I wish I had some kind of sign. Something telling methis is what you need to do.
I lean back against my bed and eye my box of personal items from Dad’s house. I have no idea what is in there, but I have to imagine copies of my certificates for counseling are.
I hop off the bed and kneel next to the box. When I open it, the first thing on top is some picture collages from my early elementary years.How embarrassing. I laugh, putting them aside. I see my high school yearbook from my senior year, and my middle school yearbooks too. There’s a picture frame with a picture of Claire and I in front of a flowering pink tree in our prom dresses. I look at it for a moment, remembering that day. My mom had recently passed, and I didn’t want to go to the prom at all. Dad was a mess. I felt like I couldn’t leave him to go out and have fun. Simon and Claire convinced me that I would regret it if I didn’t. Simon took me to pick out a dress and said if I didn’t find one that I liked, he’d let it go, but he strongly felt I shouldn’t miss it. I ended up picking the first dress I tried on.
When the day of prom came, Simon took me to get my hair and makeup done. I felt so beautiful. He went with me to take prom pictures with all our friends. He probably took this photo. When I look back, I think how lucky I am to have had both Simon and Claire as constants in my life. There aren’t many people who have seen me at my best and my worst and stuck around for the long haul. They will still be there even if I decide to stay in Cape May. I look at the picture one more time and smile. Then I put it out on my bedside table, it deserves to be seen.
I pull out some other photo albums before coming to a shoebox full of seashells and Cape May diamonds. I remember collecting them almost every weekend that we visited here.There are so many. I wonder if I should take them to the gift shop and donate them to be sold.I dismiss that thought almost immediately. I put the lid back on the box and then pull out my childhood jewelry box. It’s pink and purple with a unicorn on the top, and when you open the top, a unicorn spins playing the song “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.”
I did not expect to find this here but inside it is some of my mom’s old jewelry that my dad gave me after she passed. Dad must’ve thought to stick it in this box. I move the costume jewelry aside and I’m immediately shook to my core. At the very bottom of the jewelry box is the very same necklace I found in Leah’s treasure box. IknewI had a similar necklace. I pull it out and examine the tarnished chain with the tarnished mermaid tail holding a still clear and shiny Cape May diamond.
“Huh,” I say, considering it closely. I honestly cannot remember the day I got it. I don’t remember many specific instances of my time here as a child. I remember what wedidand the places wewentbut I don’t remember the exact details. My therapist brain knows this is because my last memories here were clouded with the loss of my mom. Sometimes trauma causes someone to repress memories. I put the necklace back in the box and toss it aside.
A little bit more digging and I find what I’m looking for. A big manila envelope stuffed with my high school diploma, college and graduate school diplomas, and photocopies of my certificates allowing me to be a practicing therapist in the state of Pennsylvania. I sift through, pulling out what I need, and then snap some photos of them. I drop them in an email to Trevor with the promise to let him know as soon as I do what my plans are.
My thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and closing loudly.
“Ellie? Sophie?” It’s Liam and I am embarrassed at how quickly I jog down the steps. He is surprised to see me without Lucy and raises his eyebrows. “Where’s Lucy?”
I pause and look at him leaning on the stair post. His presence fills the room. He’s wearing a tight blue T-shirt and gray shorts. He has a backwards hat on, and his clear blue eyes are making my belly do somersaults. But he looks tired, weary even with dark circles under his eyes and a slump to his shoulders. “I asked Ellie to keep an eye on her so I could make some phone calls.” Something flashes in his eyes when I say this. I see his jaw tick. He’s restraining himself. When he doesn’t say anything, I step closer to him and touch his hand. “Maybe Ellie took her on a walk,” I offer.
“It’s fine, I’ll just call her.” He pulls his hand away and steps back.
I suck in a breath. “Liam,” I urge. My voice is wavering. He looks up but doesn’t say anything. This is agony. “Can we hang out tonight? Can we talk? Please. I want to talk to you. About my plans.” I sound desperate but I can’t find it in myself to care.
Liam shakes his head and closes his eyes like he is fighting an internal battle. “I can’t, Sophie,” he says.
“O-okay…” I stutter. “So is this it then? We’re done?” I can’t believe this is happening.
Liam shuffles his feet and looks down uncomfortably before speaking. He pushes his lips together like he’s thinking about what to say. “No, no. This isn’t it,” he pauses. “I had a very urgent side job come up that I have to work on every free moment.”
“Oh,” is all I can say. I feel wounded anyway.A side job is more important than talking to me about where we stand?
Liam reaches out and touches my face, giving me a small half smile. “We’ll talk in a few days, okay?”
He doesn’t wait for my response. He pecks me on the lips and he’s out the door before I can reply.
* * *
I spentWednesday in a major funk. Ellie can tell because she has offered to entertain Lucy for me. I don’t have it in me to put on a show for anyone. I’m pretty much hiding in my room alternating between mulling over my options and making pro-con lists. How am I supposed to decide what I’m doing with my future if I haven’t even seen Liam? I need to see him to know that I am loved and cherished and that he cannot imagine life without me. My pro-con list is split fifty-fifty and that is making it even harder.
Now it’s Thursday morning, the Fourth of July. I’m not in any kind of mood to celebrate even though Ellie is cooking up a feast and there are fireworks tonight. I owe an answer to Dr. Stevens and Trevor and I’m no closer to deciding anything. I want to ask for an extension like I would have for a college paper. I know Dr. Stevens would give it to me, but Trevor is a lot like Claire. He’ll want to know what I’ve decided. I plop down on my bed, holding my phone, my fingers hovering over a text to Liam.
Me: Hey… can we talk today? Please.
He doesn’t answer immediately,and I toss my phone aside in frustration. I could clean this room up. There are still boxes in different corners that I need to unpack if I stay. Then there’s Leah’s boxes of photos behind the door.Leah’s box.I groan out loud.I totally dropped the ball on that.I get off the bed and walk over to them. Sorting photos would take my mind off the crap swirling around in my head. I lift the first one down off the stack and sit in the middle of the fluffy area rug with it.
I open the box and right on top is a bunch of childhood photos. Leah and Liam at the beach, Leah and Liam playing soccer. Leah with her soccer team, and Leah with her parents holding a trophy.Okay, this will be easy. And I love old family photos.I pick up a big pile of loose photos that are in a box within the box and spread them out on the carpet. There are so many. Some are duplicates so I quickly choose the best option of the similar photos and separate them into piles. Then I grab another handful of loose photos and add them to the spread. This is a selection of pictures from a day they were at Sunset Beach. I am sorting and separating when one photo catches my eye and takes my breath away.
I pick it up and examine it closely. It was taken during the golden hour. The subject in the foreground of the photo is Leah looking to be about eight years old with missing front teeth and her arms around a girl of the same age with brown hair and emerald eyes who looks an awful lot like…me. Their lips are purple, and their hair is wet but their missing tooth smiles are big. Around their necks are two identical Cape May diamond necklaces with a mermaid tail charm.
Then something else catches my eye. Playing football behind the two girls are Liam and my brother Simon. The photo background is blurry, as if it were taken in portrait mode today, but it’s definitely Simon. My pulse quickens and I feel a chill run through my entire body. I know I had beach friends. We were here every weekend. My parents and their parents drank beers on the beach while we boogie-boarded until dusk. I couldn’t remember the names of those friends today if you promised me a million dollars. I just couldn’t. Because, eventually we stopped coming and in the end, they werebeachfriends. There was no easy way to stay in touch back then. I flip the photo over to confirm what I already know. Written on the back of the photo is:
