We eatand talk about growing up in Cape May, our families, memories from our youth. We make silly faces at Lucy and before I know it, I’m singing her the ABCs.Who am I?Lucy is so happy because I am happy, and I can’t imagine going back to the way things were before. The rain has let up considerably, but Sophie hasn’t said she wants to leave. We have Leah’s candles lit all over the downstairs and we’re overwhelmed by multiple fragrances. I don’t care because Sophie looks beautiful in the glow of their light.
I find myself fumbling for words now that we’ve cleared the air. I haven’t kissed Sophie again since we were in bed earlier, but I really want to. I hope she’ll stay the night, but I also don’t want to get ahead of myself. I know when I put Lucy to bed, it’ll go one of two ways… She’ll either excuse herself to head home or she’ll snuggle into me and stay.
Sophie gets up to clear the dishes, and I clear my throat.
She turns and eyes me, squinting at me curiously. “Did you want to say something?” She giggles. “You always clear your throat before you say something important.”
I laugh nervously. “I do not.”
She shakes her head and teases, “Yes you do.” She grins. “It’s okay, I kind of like it.” She opens the dishwasher and puts our plates inside. I can’t help but admire her as she moves so easily around my home. She is gorgeous. I want her to be all mine.
“Well, I was just wondering if…after I put Lucy to bed…would you want to help me start looking at Leah’s stuff? Deciding what to keep and what to donate?”
Sophie meets my gaze and smiles. “I would love to help you, Liam. Thank you for trusting me with that.”
I cough to fight off more emotion bubbling out of me and walk over to her, putting my arms around her and pulling her close. “You make hard things feel easy, Sophie,” I whisper in her ear. She looks up at me with so much desire I think I’ll carry her right back to bed, but Lucy interrupts us with an impatient screech to get out of the highchair. I plant a soft kiss on Sophie’s lips and stroke her cheek.
Then I turn away to wet a paper towel and clean up the toddler. “Okay, Lucy, let’s get you cleaned up for bedtime.” I busy myself wiping her face and hair, which is covered in yogurt. If we had hot water she would need a bath, but our water heater is electric.
When I look up, Sophie is watching me, almost as if she doesn’t believe what she is seeing. “If you want, you can pour us some wine while I put her to sleep,” I suggest. We’re both doing a lot of giddy grinning at each other. For me, it’s about being alone with Sophie again. I can’t wait.
“Liam?” She interrupts my thoughts. When I look up, she wears a hopeful expression on her face. “Can I put Lucy to bed?”
My heart fills with something I can’t explain. “Of course you can. She’d love that.”
* * *
Sophie isupstairs with Lucy and I can’t wait for her to come back down. As much as I want us to go back into the bedroom, I also am looking forward to going through Leah’s things with Sophie’s support. I pour two glasses of pinot noir and wait in the front room, tapping my foot and fidgeting in an armchair.
There are a lot of boxes in front of me. My parents packed most of them. I know some of them have her clothes and shoes because when I cleaned out her closet, I just threw them in boxes. I probably should have donated them right then but truthfully, I couldn’t imagine parting with her things that soon.
Sophie comes down the stairs so quietly she sneaks up on me. I jolt out of the chair, grinning like a fool, and hand her a glass of wine. We clink our glasses together and sip, eyeing each other. I notice a blush creeping up her neck. “You make me nervous,” she finally admits.
I set my glass on an end table and put my arms around her. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.” I kiss her forehead. “Why are you nervous?”
She pulls back to look at me. “I don’t think I have ever felt this way before,” she admits. “It’s alarming.”
I nod my head. “For me too.” We are quiet, looking at each other for a moment more. It would be easy to scoop her up and carry her to my realcurrentbed but I also want her to help me with Leah’s things and for her to get a glimpse of who my sister was. I kiss her softly on the lips and smile. “Shall we get started?”
Sophie nods and crouches down to her knees next to an unopened box. “Okay, so how do you want to do this? Do you want to do it quickly by making donate and keep piles or do you want to examine each thing?”
I press my lips together in thought. “I think some things we’ll be able to make quick decisions on, like clothing and shoes,” I pause. “But her special things, her photos, and things that meant something to her… I think I need to save those for Lucy,” I say, walking over to a few boxes that I know have clothing in them.
I open one up and right on top is a bunch of bathing suits. I awkwardly hold up a hot pink bikini top that is very stringy. “Like this.”
Sophie bursts out laughing.
“See, we can donate this stuff,” I say, rooting through the box a bit more to see it is clothes, socks, and bathing suits. I’m grateful there isn’t any underwear in there—my mom must have taken care of those items. I shudder at the thought. It continues like that for a bit before I push all of the clothing and shoe boxes to one corner of the room, and we can move on.
I can see the couch now, so I sit on the edge of it and open the box in front of me. It’s full of photographs—I swear she has three shoeboxes of loose photos and several photo albums here. Leah was sentimental. “This girl took so many pictures. She used to carry around those little plastic cameras you got at CVS and take photos of everything. I know I need to keep some pictures for Lucy, but this is a ton.” I give a half-hearted laugh. “How do you even decide what ones to keep and what ones can be tossed?”
“I bet there are a lot of duplicates too,” Sophie ponders. “You know, pre-digital camera when you couldn’t tell if you got the shot.” She purses her lips in thought. “You know, there are a lot of services online that you can send your photos to, and they put them on a jump drive or a website for you to save digitally and then I think they send them back to you. That’s an option.” She opens a photo album and flips through it.
“That sounds great but, I’m not sure I can handle the heartbreak that will come with that,” I murmur, putting the photo album I am holding back in the box.
“I’ll do it for you,” Sophie offers. “I have lots of time right now and it won’t be emotional for me like it might be for you.” She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “Let me help you, Liam. It’ll take my mind off the fact that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life.”
I give her a half-hearted laugh. “Do any of us really know what we’re doing with our lives?”
