Page 12 of Changing Tides


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SOPHIE

Iwake up this morning with a tightness in my chest that gives me the sensation of suffocating. I feel like I’m paralyzed in bed. I wiggle my fingers; they’re tingling. My heart is thumping so hard I’m sure Ellie can hear it all the way in her house. I’m scared, like I’m trapped and can’t get out.

Thoughts of James and my future swirl in my mind.What will I do now that I’m all alone? Where will I go? I can’t keep staying at my dad’s house.I sit up and put a hand over my pounding heart that is threatening to shatter my ribs, but I am immediately dizzy and have to lay back down.What would people think if they knew what James did to me? I can’t get pregnant, and my husband found someone else who could.

I am drowning, gasping for air. I’ve never had one before, but I recognize these symptoms to be the result of a panic attack. It was only a matter of time. My chest aches, like there is an elephant sitting on it. I was awake through the night, tossing and turning, all the while my anxiety increasing. Dreaming about James and then dreaming about Liam—WTF?— and sweating profusely. I sit up and try again to get a good breath. My heart is still racing. I pick up my phone and call Claire. She answers on the second ring.

“Hey, stranger!” She sounds chipper.

“I’m having a panic attack and I’m alone,” I blurt out, huffing and puffing in her ear. My eyes well with tears. I have never felt this out of control of my mind and body.

Claire’s voice instantly softens. “Okay, honey, take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Do it with me. We’re going to do this three times.”

“Okay, okay.” I try to breathe but my breaths are shallow. I know what to do but I cannot make my own brain do it.

“Are you breathing? We’re going to count to five and breathe in, and then we’re going to let it out for another count of five. In…one, two, three, four, five…and out…one, two, three, four, five. Good girl. I hear you breathing.” Claire is my best friend in the world, and she has the benefit ofknowingme and knowing thecauseof this panic attack—fucking James—and how to help me through it the way she would a patient. “Remember, this feeling will pass.”

My pulse hammers in my ears and the lump in my throat feels as if it grew three sizes. There is nothing for me to do except listen to Claire’s directions and wait for my breathing to even out.

“Tell me five things you see,” Claire says soothingly.

“I see the teal sofa across the room,” I murmur. Sucking in a breath, I continue. “The window looking into the backyard, the bottle of wine I drank last night, my suitcase, and the TV.”

“Good. Now what about four things you can touch?” Claire urges.

My fingers tremble as I try to sit upright, the weight in my chest still pinning me down. Hot streaks of tears carve a path down my cheeks. A flood of emotions—fear, sadness, and rage—that I’ve been harboring for the past six weeks crushes me all at once.

“The blanket on the bed, my pajamas, my hair, and the glass of water next to me,” I breathe.

“What do you hear?” Claire asks patiently.

“The birds outside, you, my erratic breathing,” I grumble, closing my eyes.

“Is there anything you can smell?”

“Wine and my deodorant.” I start to feel myself relax when Claire giggles.

“At least you smell good,” she murmurs. “What do you taste?”

“Morning breath,” I scoff, disgusted with myself.

Claire continues, “Take a few more soothing breaths for me, Sophie. In and out.”

Finally, after a few moments of deep breathing, my heart rate begins to slow and my lungs remember how to pull air. I still feel hollow, but I wiggle my toes, stretch my arms overhead, and breathe deeply. “Okay. It’s slowing down. Thank you. I wasn’t going to be able to talk myself through that one.”

“Happy to help you, babe. What was your trigger?” Claire, always cutting to the chase and bringing me back down to earth.

“I don’t know where to start. I think my trigger was my mixed-up dreams. It happened right as I was waking up. I was having terrible dreams about Liam?—”

“Liam!” she gasps. “The cute neighbor? Sophie Lynn, why are you dreaming aboutLiam?”

“Relax. You cut me off. I was dreaming about JamesandLiam. I went to Liam’s last night—in my only clean loungewear, mind you—because I am babysitting for him tonight. I am pretty sure it was see-through. While I was there, James called me. I didn’t answer but he has been texting me about calling a realtor to sell the house. I know Liam saw his name come up on my phone because he asked if I needed to take the call. That’s what triggered the dreams, I’m sure of it.”

“Not the fact that he’s an attractive guy with a cute baby on his hip?” Claire laughs at her own joke, then her voice turns serious. “Girl, put on your shoes, go for a walk. Go shopping. And make yourself a plan.”

I know she’s right. I don’t have a plan, and I am just floating around waiting for answers to come to me. I know that I am done with my marriage. I’ve signed the divorce papers for goodness’ sake. But as soon as we sell the house we made a home, then it’sreallyover. I’m not ready to admit that this part of my life is over—that I’m really all alone.