Page 38 of Mad About You
Lorna
I admit I’m struggling to picture Mark Corrigan from Peep Show turning into The Punisher, can you act it out when you see us next, H?
Harriet
NOT LOL
18
Harriet had claimed Jon would be broken with contrition after attacking Cal, and she was half right. She was right-ish. Lorna would’ve called it ‘wrong.’
Jon appeared with dark circled eyes – it had clearly been enough of a sesh to still be lingering by the summit that Harriet called in Laynes’ Espresso bar on Tuesday morning. He’d taken the week off work, whether that was in emergency recovery or planned, Harriet didn’t know, and didn’t trust him to tell her the truth anyway. He was downcast, very subdued at first, but not without lingering defiance. His Merc keys were slung as a casual status symbol next to his flat white, and Harriet was struck anew that she had been in a relationship with someone who refused to get public transport even when it was far easier than driving.
‘I’m horrified at what I did, it’s not me,’ Jon said, with a certain rehearsed fluency, not seeming horrified enough for Harriet’s liking. Was he … secretly proud at his laddish escapade? The likes of Gavin his squash partner would applaud. Gav’s profile picture on Facebook was Joaquin Phoenix dancing on the steps as The Joker.
‘I can’t remember much of it,’ Jon continued, ‘except a lot of shouting the odds, and then lamping that cocky man when he insulted me.’
‘Cocky?! You barged in and were threatening him inhishouse, wrongly accusing him of banging your ex-girlfriend,’ Harriet said. ‘I think he had the right to bea bit put out? I think beinga little sassycould be excused?’
‘I was out of order, no question,’ Jon said. ‘Can’t you see how it looked though? Not telling me where you were, I go round and a bloke answers the door?’
‘I don’t care how itlooked. I don’t have to make it look any certain way.’ God, the Barraclough family mentality.
‘All I’m saying is, had I been forewarned your housemate was male, it would’ve helped.’
‘If you hadn’t tricked my address out of my friend and turned up unannounced, that would’ve helped too?’
Harriet was moderating her voice, partly to keep a lid on the scene, and partly as she didn’t want to startle the attractive young couple at the next table, who she suspected were listening rapt to every word nevertheless.
‘Fair point. I’ve been a real dickhead.’
Harriet twinged with annoyance as an unexpected black pudding hash on toast with fried eggs was set down in front of Jon. ‘Medical necessity, Hats. Let the healing begin!’ They’d said coffee, not brunch. It indicated a lack of real shame. You weren’t all that tormented if you were ploughing into a pair of sunny-side-up Burford Browns. She narrowed her eyes.
‘If he goes to the police, I hope your bosses are understanding about giving you a day off for the trial.’
Jon, grinding a pepper mill over his dish, stopped. ‘Is he going to the police?’
‘Probably. Why shouldn’t he?’ Harriet said. Jon needed a good healthy scare and she’d do some white lying to help it along.
‘Oh … well … I mean, come on. It was completely shit on my part and I will grovel my apology, but do we honestly need a day in court over one right hook?’ He paused. ‘It’d drag you into it as well, as witness.’
Oh, so the effect on her was suddenly occurring to Jon, coincidentally right when raising it could benefit him? Oddly, this was what she needed to hear, to prove to herself that her heartbroken ex could be manipulative and selfish. She’d been feeling so guilty, but it was time to toughen up. Rather belatedly, she twigged that Cal kicking her out would’ve been, if not the intention, at least an unexpected bonus to Jon.So, so sorry, Hats, free bed and board at mine until you can find an alternative is the least I can do.
‘I’ll speak to Cal about his pursuing this and see if I can persuade him not to. But I need to make it absolutely clear: there’s no reason for you to be coming round and you have no rights over me. Even if I had been involved with Cal, that would be my business.’
Jon paused again, fork midway to mouth.
‘Areyou?’
‘Jesus Christ, NO. I’m asking you,’ she enunciated clearly, ‘to accept that we’ve separated, and to behave accordingly. Don’t appear on my doorstep again. Don’t contact me. Respect my decision that we are over … and that’s not going to change.’
Harriet had broken into a light sweat at the harshness of spelling it out, yet this was vital clarity.
Jon said nothing, putting his cutlery down as if he’d abruptly lost his appetite.
‘It’d be simply “your business” if you were seeing someone, mere days after you gave me an engagement ring back? I’d not have rights to be upset, and wonder when it started?’
Harriet took a deep breath and remembered Cal’s advice. Do not equivocate or wrangle with ‘what ifs’.
