“Nu-uh, sometimes she read to me when you were here.”
Stopping this merry-go-round, I said, “If I get called into the hospital this week, I’m sure Jace will read to you.”
“When is that?”
I tickled her. “So anxious to be rid of me?”
She giggled and snuggled in next to me, charming her way into one more story. After another five minutes of reading, she was out. I went to Max’s room next. We took turns reading to each other at night (tonight it was Max’s turn). After working through his relaxation exercises, he was also asleep.
I noticed a light turn on downstairs when I was making my way across the hallway to my room. Instantly dropping to the floor, I held my breath and listened. Based on where the light was coming from, I realized Jace must be in the kitchen. So, I did the next most rational thing: I crawled on all fours to spy on him from the top of the stairs.
After a few minutes, I saw Jace walk from the kitchen to his room. He had a glass of milk in one hand and a sandwich in the other. Because of course, he was eating. He had to eat sometime.
What did you expect, Polly? You banished him to his room last night, then you nailed him in the balls with your purse like he was an intruder.
I was really winning at life, making it so my nanny of two days felt like he couldn’t even leave his room for meals. And after he did everything so perfectly.
Perfectly.
A ghost of a memory skirted the edges of my mind. About perfection and mistakes. Once I heard Jace’s bedroom door shut, I crawled to the edge of the stairs and sat on the top step, deep in thought. Wasn’t the point of the schedule to make sure I did everything perfectly? Regardless of how much I’d scheduled, regardless of how much I’d tried to control everything, my house of cards came tumbling down anyway. I was divorced, anyway. My father thought I was a failure despite bending to his demands, anyway. My kids were miserable, anyway.
Perfection wasn’t doing anyone any good.
I shot up, starting down the stairs. After all, change starts with a single step—or wait, was it a journey that starts with . . . something? I couldn’t remember the exact quote, or who said it for that matter—it could have been Jesus, Shakespeare, or some ancient Chinese philosopher for all I knew. I studied science, not literature. Regardless, the point was the same: If I didn’t begin, I’d never get there.
Fortified by that thought, I strode into the kitchen and fired up Barry. For a moment I considered pitching him in the garbage, but I settled for deleting most of the mundane scheduled things except for basic appointments and chores. Then I sat there for a solid minute, watching the blinking cursor.
“What would you do, Mom?” I whispered aloud. I was thinking about my childhood, something I hadn’t done often before moving back here. A wisp of laughter floated in the air, and I looked through the windows, seeing the glow of lights illuminating the patio and pool area beyond. I held my breath, not wanting to stir the air. But all that greeted me was the quiet hum of silence.
Looking at the cursor again, I wrote down two words. I smiled at the new checklist, thinking of the kids’ reaction when they saw it tomorrow.
HAVE FUN
Turning off Barry, I walked back to the stairs. But before I put my foot on that first step, I turned, facing the east wing.
A journey of a thousand miles didn’t have to begin with a single step.
Maybe, it could start with two.
* * *
I knocked on Jace’s door before I lost my nerve. Opening it swiftly, Jace looked surprised, then nervous as he put a shirt on over his head. He must have just gotten out of the shower. His hair was wet, turning the color a rich mahogany, his trademark curls straightening so they almost hit his chin. My brain stuttered as he pulled his shirt to his waist, covering his very toned chest and abdomen inch by glorious inch.
Nooooooooooooooooooo!my body cried out as he pulled his shirt to his waist.
Fantastic. The teenager living inside me had aged. She was now eighteen and on the cusp of a sexual awakening.
Simmer down, sister.
Almost losing my courage, I focused back on Jace’s face and took a deep breath in. “Look?—”
Jace immediately laughed, ducking his head. Remembering our conversation about how nothing that proceeds “look” is good, I huffed out a small laugh as well.
“This isn’t anything bad. I mean, I’m not offering you half a billion dollars or anything, but I swear, this isn’t bad.”
I took another quick breath in and out. “Look,” I started by rote, then immediately covered my mouth, eyes going wide as Jace barked out another laugh.
“I don’t know why I said that again,” I mumbled from behind my hand as Jace’s shoulders shook.
