Page 96 of Standing In The Sun
“Cool, Ahvi… I ain’t ‘bout to fight with you and tell you how I’m better than all the niggas you knew or that your daddy ain’t never met a nigga that came from a real nigga—was surrounded by real niggas and raised by real niggas. Nah, I ain’t gon’ try to convince you to just let me handle this shit.” He pushed his hand down his face. “I’ll leave…you and Kamari ain’t got to go nowhere,” he said. “Because at the end of the day, even when you against us—I’m gon’ show you how real niggas handle not getting their way—how we put our family first. The house - yours. The truck - yours. Kamari - ours. Your heart—” Lunar looked her up and down, his eyes red and glossed over. “That’ll always be mine too. Even if you too afraid to admit it.” He patted his chest walking backwards before turning around to look at Ahvi one last time. “Bring yo’ ass on, Monday,” he hollered knowing he needed to have a real conversation with his little brother.
Ahvi stood frozen, chest cracking open, not from rage—but from sorrow. From knowing that letting go might protect her heart—but it was killing it too.
Everyone stood still. No one knew what to do or say because hearts had been laid out, raw and waiting to be chosen.
Butta held her breath, eyes locked on her sister, silently willing her to move…to say something…to do something. She waited to see if Ahvi would reach down, pick Lunar’s heart up off the floor, and offer hers in return, but she didn’t.
And when she didn’t, something cracked in Butta. Her shoulders trembled, breath hitching like her body understood the weight of the moment before her mind could catch up. If this was what adulthood looked like—what love looked like—she wanted no parts of it.
The way her sister let a love so real, so loud and certain walk out without chasing after it. It shook her. Butta was still young, still believed in big love, wild love—the kind you run after in the rain and build a life around. And there was Ahvi, staring forever in the face and choosing fear instead.
Shit didn’t make sense, not to a girl who still believed in beginnings, not to someone who was terrified of becoming so hardened by life that they couldn’t recognize good when it stood right in front of them.
Ahvi had love. Real love and she let it go like it was nothing.
Butta wasn’t sure if she was heartbroken for her sister, or just terrified she’d end up the same way.
twenty
The freeway stretchedfor miles with hardly any cars on the road. Lunar leaned back in his seat, one hand on the wheel, the other drumming restlessly on his thigh. Monday stared out the window, hat low and his shoulders tight.
Monday had never experienced anything like that before. He kept going over everything, trying to see if Butta meant what she said about not being in his life. Monday wanted to mean what he said too, but his heart was already second guessing it.
“You good?” Lunar asked, glancing over.
Monday shrugged, with his head still back at the house. “Not really.”
Lunar nodded like he expected that. “Why you ain’t tell me you was ready for sex?”
“Uh, because did you tell me?”
“I’m the big brother. I’m here to help you, guide you and talk to you about the things you don’t want to go to Mama and Pops about.”
“Shit got crazy back there,” Monday muttered, not really wanting to talk about sex. “I ain’t think it was gon’ blow up like that.”
“Nobody ever do,” Lunar cut his eyes at him. He wasn’t mad. His tone wasn’t even sharp. “You think you got time to fix it…think love gon’ cover it all, then boom—you standing there looking stupid, trying to catch something already in freefall.”
Monday nodded his head, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “When she told me about missing her period, I didn’t get excited or anything I just thought what would Lunar or Pops do. So, I tried to stand up and be there…I wanted to do right by her.”
He knew he wasn’t ready for a baby and didn’t want Butta to have to give up her dreams either. It was his mind – he just wasn’t fully mature enough yet. Monday was only thinking that with money, he could figure it all out so they both got what they wanted.
“I know,” Lunar said. “But sometimes loving somebody don’t mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting ’em breathe even if it kills you.” His words were for his brother but he felt they applied to his situation too. No matter how much he wanted to show Ahvi he was in her corner, he knew she had to come to that conclusion on her own. Maybe he’d gone about it the wrong way, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be…maybe all Big Lunar had asked God for was for Kamari to be in his life. Just the thought made his throat swell up.
The truck rumbled down the dark highway. Monday shifted like he was about to let it go, but something else came to mind when he looked over at his brother. He could see the tears in Lunar’s eyes and the strain on his face.
“Ma told me once that you were just like your daddy—wearing your heart on your sleeve.”
“Oh yea?” Lunar kept his eyes on the dark road, knowing deer were known to jump out.
Monday nodded. “You know what’s crazy?” he said after a long minute. “Ma barely ever talked to me about Big Lunar…it’s like he ain’t even real sometimes. But there were always small instances when she’d mention him to me.”
Lunar’s hand tightened slightly on the steering wheel. “She didn’t talk about him much to me either.”
“I used to think…maybe she was scared to tell me ‘cause I wasn’t really his kid,” Monday revealed. “Like she kept that part for you, ’cause you was his blood.”
Lunar blew out a slow breath. “Maybe…I asked her about it once. Why she kept him locked up so tight. She said…” he trailed off, shaking his head with a tired smile. “Said she wanted to keep some parts of Big Lunar for herself, for safe keeping.”
Monday frowned. “That’s kinda selfish.”
