Page 64 of Standing In The Sun
“I’d be dead without it.”
He glanced at her over his shoulder. “Shit, me too.”
Lunar hit play and a beat crept in. It was almost sensual with a lazy hi-hat and syrupy synths that felt like late nights and unspoken thoughts. Felt like late night rides with the girl of your dreams. Lunar told Pimp it felt like Ahvi when they first heard it earlier that night.
Ahvi nodded, letting it roll over her. She’d never been in a studio before and after only a few minutes, she understood how people got lost in there, never coming out to breathe. It had to be something special about the architecture of the room because the sound seemed to stay contained while using the walls to create a crescendo effect. It was like being inside a speaker.
“Come chill with me…let your hair down,” Lunar pulled the scrunchie from around her natural hair.
Ahvi had a head full of natural, curly hair. Some of her hair was tightly coiled while other parts had a more defined curl pattern. Having her own head of hair saved her when she didn’t have money to get it done. Instead of complaining, Ish made her learn how to style it herself. She remembered crying because the other girls had braids and other style. Ish couldn’t care less and instead, bought her all the products for her to practice with.
She smiled, walking around the booth, touching things she didn’t understand. “You always knew this was what you wanted to do?”
“Yea, it was the only thing that made the chaos make sense.” He said it too smooth, too quiet…like it hurt.
Ahvi sat on the edge of the couch. “What chaos?”
He didn’t turn, just stared at the waveforms dancing across the screen. “Big Lunar… I wanted a tangible piece of him…some shit I couldn’t have…couldn’t find a way to accept. I used to hate listening to them sit around and talk about him teaching them how to swim and throw a ball…shit like that. I was mad ‘cause I didn’t have any memories with him. But I kept it to myself, knowing no one would understand. I still grew up good. Mav is perfect. He made my Mama happy and they both gave me and Monday a life they only dreamed of—a world Lunar had dreamed of. Like Javen went pro because Big Lunar believed he could throw a ball better than everyone else. Luna found music and I know he had to feed into that too…” Lunar swallowed, looking for what he was trying to say. “I sat in my room and made myself believe my daddy taught me how to rap.” He swiped at his eyes. “Like how he taught them how to do everything and they made something out of nothing from it? I pretended he taught me how to rhyme words and be witty. So, music is something I feel like I share with Big Lunar.”
Ahvi listened, her chest tightening at how wounded his words felt.
“Music was the only place I could put that rage, you feel me? The confusion, that why-me feeling.”
“Yea,” she said, her tone soft. “I do.”
“Was Big Lunar a rapper?” Ahvi asked.
Lunar smirked thinking about the video of Big Lunar rapping to Tiny’s pregnant belly. “Hell nah.”
Ahvi didn’t say anything, just gave him time to gather his emotions.
He finally turned toward her, elbows resting on his knees. “What about you?” he asked. “You carry your own weight like it’s nothing. But I see it.”
Ahvi looked down at her hands and began picking at her nails. “Sheena sent me to live with my daddy when I was about five. Grew up with my him —he did what he could, but he was more rules than hugs, always tryna keep me from becoming a problem instead of pouring into me like I was a blessing.”
Lunar gripped her thigh. “You really are a blessing.” Maybe Ahvi didn’t understand what her kismet run-in with him really meant to him. But Lunar truly felt she was a blessing to his life. Her and Kamari.
She shrugged. “I learned to be everything for myself.”
They didn’t touch. But the heat between them said they could, told them the space was safe for them to explore and fill the holes they’d been carrying like an empty bucket someone promised would one day be filled with no other instructions.
“You don’t have to do that now,” he declared. “Be everything, I mean.”
Ahvi turned her head, meeting his eyes. “You saying you tryna be something for me?”
“I’m saying I already am. You just scared to see it.”
Silence filled the room again, the beat still playing…their breathing syncing.
Then he leaned in. “You know how to rap?” he asked, going back to the soundboard, tapping away on some buttons.
“Nigga, no!” she laughed out loud. “You know what? Hell yea…put me in the booth.” Her new outlook on life was to try new things. Ish would’ve had a fit, and maybe that made her want to do it even more.
“Ahvi stop playing with me like I won’t fuck around and put you on the album.” Lunar’s brows rose daring her to dare him.
“I said put me in the booth,” she smiled. “You think I need to write something?” she asked, second guessing her initial instinct.
“Nah, I think you can just spit off the dome. You like this beat or you want something else?”
