I flinch at her words. They hurt worse than the wire. I want to tell her I’m trying, that I’m not a burden, but I can’t get the words out. My throat is tight, and my tears spill over, hot and stinging as they slide down my cheeks.
“Stop crying!” she yells, shaking me a little, and I can’t help it; I cry harder. “You think I want to see you like this? You think I want to be your mother?”
I shake my head, but it doesn’t matter. She pushes me away, and I stumble backward, nearly falling into the coffee table.
I look up at her, and for a moment, I catch a glimpse of something else. Fear. Something unravelling just behind her gaze. But then it’s gone, replaced by the anger, the rage that’s familiar and terrifying.
“Go back to the fucking closet, you pathetic vermin,” she snaps. “I don’t want to see you right now.”
I don’t argue. I turn and run, my heart pounding in my chest. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be around her. I just want to disappear again, to find my way back to that closet where it’s safe and quiet.
I reach the closet and slowly close the door behind me, making sure not to slam it. The last time she thought I slammed the door, I received thirty lashes. I still remember the way my shirt soaked up the blood and stuck to my back.
She’s still yelling. Her voice is echoing down the hall, but it’s muffled now. I sink to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees as I try to calm the storm inside me.
“Don’t cry,” I whisper to myself, even though the tears keep flowing. “Stay calm. Be strong.”
But it’s hard. It’s so hard. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to be a kid, to run around and play without a care in the world. I want to feel safe.I don’t want to be stuck in this closet, scared, alone, and in pain.
I reach for my favorite toy, a small worn-out bear that Nicolo gave me. Its fur is frayed, but it’s the only thing that brings me a sense of comfort. I hug it tight against my chest, wishing it could take away the fear.
“Please, Nicolo,” I whisperinto the bear’s fur. “Come home.”
Time drags on, the sounds of the house fading into a dull hum as I sit here, trapped in my thoughts. I think about what Ma said, about being a burden. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to make her happy, but everything I do seems to only make her hate me.I don’t want her to hate me.
A loud crash from the living room jolts me upright, and my heart races again. I stand, peering through the crack in the door. I watch as her silhouette moves in the dim light, and I hear voices. They’re muffled, but I catch snippets—angry shouts, words I can’t quite make out.
I want to go back in time, back when Pops still came home and Nicolo and I could play outside, back then I felt safe. I should stay in here but something pulls me forward. I want to know what’s happening. I tiptoe toward the living room, my heart thudding in my ears.
As I peek around the corner, I see two men in suits, their faces tight and angry. They’re towering over Ma, who’s sitting on the couch with trembling hands. I can’t see their faces clearly, but the tension in the air is thick and suffocating.
“Where’s the money?” one of them demands, his voice low and dangerous. “You promised. You think you can just keep running?”
Ma stares up at them, her eyes wide, darting frantically from side to side. “I’m trying! I just need more time! Please!”
A rush of fear surges through me. What money? What are they talking about? I want to turn away, to hide, but I can’t move. I’m frozen in place while watching the scene unfold like a terrible movie I can’t turn off.
One of the men leans in closer, his voice menacing. “You don’t get it, do you? This isn’t a game. You’re in deep, and you’re going to pay. One way or another.”
I back away slowly, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I want to run, but my feet feel glued to the floor. Questions swirl around my head, but I can’t process them. I’m just a kid. I don’t understand.
As I inch back toward the closet, I hear Ma crying, her voice trembling. “I’ll get it! I promise! Just give me more time!”
The men scoff, and their voices fade into the background as I close the door quietly behind me, sealing myself in. I hug my bear tightly to my chest, rocking back and forth as the tears fall freely now.
“What do I do?”, I whisper to the stuffed animal, feeling so lost and scared. “What do I do?”
I don’t know what to do. I feel so small, so powerless. I don’t want to be small and powerless; I want to be like Nicolo. Strong and big. And safe. I want Nicolo to come home and make everything okay again.
I know he can’t. He’s out there, somewhere in a world I don’t understand, and I’m here, alone, trapped in a life that feels like it’s spiraling out of control.
And all I can do is hold onto my bear, keep my eyes closed, and hope that somehow, someday, things will change.
1
ALESSIA
Tonight is movie night, hosted over at Valentina and Emiliano’s penthouse. Pushing back a stray hair out of my face, I press the button to Eli’s penthouse and wait until they let me up; he may be my cousin, but he doesn’t trust anyone. The hot summer days are cooler during the night, but New York in July isn’t something to laugh at. The fabric of my green T-shirt is sticking to my back.
