“Hmmm?” He pretends he didn’t hear me as he slides the mug across the counter, but I’m not buying his bullshit. “Jackson…”
“Clayton,” he counters.
“What have you been doing talking to Theo? You’re not even playing anymore and he’s not even you’re physical therapist?”
Jax chews on the corner of his bottom lip, which he only does when he’s feeling nervous. He opens and closes his mouth a few times as if he’s trying to work upthe courage to say something before shaking his head. “Nothing. I’m not. Don’t try to change the subject.” He points his finger across the counter at me. “Tell me what happened.”
I look at my best friend for a moment and realize he doesn’t look like his usual self. Whereas I look half-dead from a weekend full of travel and time zone changes, Jax looks… exhausted. His black hair is completely disheveled, and his bright blue eyes don’t have any of their usual shine. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, and his clothes look wrinkled and worn. Like he’s had them on for hours instead of just putting them on this morning.
But if there’s one thing I know about Jax, it’s that if he wanted to tell me something, he would, and if he’s not ready, then there’s no use in pushing him. He and I may share the same upbeat personality, but he’s far more secretive than I’ll ever be. Which I’d assume has a lot to do with the fact that he grew up with three younger and incredibly invasive brothers.
1??Relenting, I take a long and slow sip of my coffee, Jax’s eyes not straying from mine, before saying, “Wehooked up.”
“And?”
I knew that wasn’t going to be the answer he was looking for. I’ve shared a lot about my relationship with Rocky to Jax. He’s my best friend and brother, and I know I can trust him to keep my private life private. He’s also one of the smartest people I know and has always encouraged me to stay true to my feelings, even when I confided in him my developing feelings for Rocky after his birthday party.
Sighing, knowing he’s not going to drop it until he hears what he wants to, I finally confess the thing I’ve only said to myself. “I-I think he’s the one, Jax.”
“No shit. You think?” I pin him with a lethal glare and he chuckles as he holds up his hands in defense. “Sorry, continue.”
“I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life, man. I told him I love him, Jax.”
Jackson’s eyes go wide in surprise. “You did?”
“Yeah, I did. You know me… if I’m feeling something, I say it. We were just having this really special moment, and all of a sudden, everything I’ve felt for him since this whole thing started just felt so big, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
“I’m assuming he didn’t say it back.”
I shrug and tell Jax the same thing I told Rocky, meaning it wholeheartedly. “No, he didn’t. But it’s okay. He’snot ready, and I wasn’t expecting him to be. The way I feel about him isn’t dependent on him reciprocating those feelings right away.”
Jax’s eyes soften as he asks, “How do you know? How do you know Rocky is it?” As I look at him, I get the feeling he’s asking for himself just as much as he is for me.
I think about my answer for a moment before explaining, “For as long as I can remember, I’ve moved through almost every minute of every day with a giant weight on my chest. The expectations of everyone around me, of my parents… my father, of myself, feel so heavy sometimes it’s almost debilitating. I’ve found ways to lighten the load, but it’s never fully gone. But when I’m with Rocky… he feels like the drug for all my anxiety, Jax. All my panic. All of my fears. All of myanger. It’s in the way he looks at me. The way he touches me. The way he speaks to me. The way he believes in me. It’s just…him.”
Jackson smiles softly at me from across the counter, but I notice the water that pools at his lower lids before he blinks it away. “Shit, man.”
“Yeah.” I huff a laugh. “Shit is right.”
Jackson hangs out in my apartment for a few more hours as he listens to my stories about my week with Rocky’s family. And the more I talk about my teammate,my partner, the man that I love… I know that, without a doubt, everything I just confessed to Jax is true.
Rocky is it.
Now, I just have to wait for him to realize it.
It’s now Tuesday evening, and I was riding the high from spring break with Rocky all the way through our Monday morning practice and throughout classes today… that is until we just got our asses handed to us by Virginia State. And on our home turf, no less.
It wasn’t that Rocky and I even played terribly, and it could easily be contributed to our fun-filled week in San Diego, but the fact of the matter is, Virginia’s players just got off spring break, too. Sometimes you just get steamrolled, and there’s fuck all you can do about it. Once you’re too far behind in points in volleyball, it’s extremely hard to recover.
And that’s exactly what happened.
We didn’t win a single fucking set. Not one.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Rocky got pulled to the side for an interview—of which I managed to avoid much to his despair—and the first thing I find when I pull my phone out of my bag in the locker room after I’ve showered is a string of texts from dear old Dad.
Dad
You looked beyond sloppy in the first set, Clayton.
