Disgust gets the better of me and I throw the rock over the cliff. The time it takes for it to fall to the bottom and crash against the ocean’s waves does something to me. It makes me sick. Sick as my memories revolt against each other and my mind loses the battle once again over the one little thing that keeps me looking for her. The hope that she is still alive after I failed at keeping her safe, and the self-hatred that no matter how hard I tried couldn’t help her when she needed me most.
“Leo,” I hear my mother call above me from the main house. “Leonardo!”
I turn to see her and my thoughts trace back instinctively to that day over a month ago when I lost her. When I lost everything that mattered most in just a few seconds.
Young boys aren’t supposed to feel like this. It isn’t supposed to matter. It isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t supposed to keep me up nights as I try and think of some way to bring her home.
But fighting it is useless. Someone as young as me doesn’t stand a chance at making a miracle happen. Not without help. And I’ve been too ashamed over what happened to even ask.
I pick up another rock and throw it over the ledge. “Coming Madre!” I yell, before I turn and start to make my way up the hill.
A shadow catches my attention to my right and my heart jumps out of my chest as I turn and hope fills me inside that it could be her. But just as quickly as I turn I soon realize it isn’t, and my insides sink as a bird takes flight and escapes the hell I am forced to live in knowing that not a day will go by for the rest of my life that I don’t think about her. That I don’t long for her. That I don’t wish they had taken me instead and left her so she could live and show the world what I already see in her. A light that shines so bright I know I can’t survive without it and the darkness, the knowledge that I couldn’t stop her being taken, will always pull me under.
When I reach the top of the hill, I look to my left and see Maria’s mother, Sofia, sitting in a rocking chair staring out across the distance. She has barely talked since the day her daughter was taken and won’t bother to even look my way. My parents thought best that we leave Sicily and return to Rome. The stress of everything that has happened too much for all of us, even though Sofia was nice enough to insist we stay.
“Don’t worry so much, Leonardo,” I hear my mother say as my gaze still stays cast on Sofia and I take my final steps towards the house. “Everything will be OK. I promise.”
“No, it won’t!” I snap at her, as I enter the house and lock eyes with my father. “It never will be. Not so long as Maria stays missing.”
My father frowns and takes a few steps my way. “You really aren’t going to give it up, are you Son?” He puts his hand on my shoulder for support, but I shrug it off. I don’t want his support. Not unless he plans on helping me bring her back.
“Leo!” My mother scolds as I make my way further into the house to go finish packing my things. I know I should care. I know I should feel bad for the way I am treating them, and for the way I am treating everyone, but my heart is hardening with each second she is still gone. Something that will only get worse with time, not better.
I hear my father sigh as I reach the hallway. “Leo!” He demands, and I stop in my tracks, but I don’t care turn around. “If it means that much to you, I will help you.”
Hope blooms in my chest for the first time since she was pulled away and I turn and meet my father’s stare with hesitation. Is he joking? Because I have asked them to help many times before and everyone always just looked at me like it was pointless to try and I was a stupid child for even asking.
My mother goes to speak, but my father cuts her off as he raises his hand motioning that she needs to remain silent. He takes a few steps towards me and kneels to my level. “I too have known what it feels like to need to do anything in my power to keep a woman safe and by my side.” He gives me a wink and smiles. “I promise, when we get back to Rome, we will see what we can find.”
I smile back for the first time in days before looking behind him and meeting my mother’s disapproving stare. She shakes her head and folds her arms over her chest in protest. When I look back at my father, his eyes are stern and filled with determination. “I promise,” he whispers.
All I can do is nod, before I turn and start to make my way to my room to gather my things. Since the first time it was mentioned we were leaving for Rome I can’t wait to push off. I thought that once I left the island, all hope was truly lost in looking for Maria. Now I know that leaving means I might actually have a chance at finding her. My feet pick up the pace as I quickly make my way down the hall. Behind me, I hear my parent’s fighting.
“We can’t help him, and you know why!” My mother scolds.
“Leave it alone, Gia. I made Leonardo a promise. A promise I intend to keep!”
**********
A week later, I find myself walking through Rome with my father on the way to school. “You promise you will go see him while I am in class?” I ask him as we come up to the front of the schoolhouse.
He laughs and ruffles the hair on my head as I turn around to face him to say goodbye before going into class. “I promise. Don’t worry Leonardo. I told you I would help you find her, and in our family, we don’t break promises, right?”
I nod and give him a smile as I turn to walk away, but my thoughts have been running like crazy since yesterday when he told me he might have found someone who had some information on who took Maria. A truth I stayed up most the night thinking about and trying to plot each and every way he might let me stay home from school to go with him and help instead. Turning back around quickly, I plead with him one final time to let me come. “You sure I can’t come too?” I ask. “All my classes are boring, and I don’t have any work that I can’t do later.”
He shakes his head no and motions for me to get inside. “School first, Leo. Then girls.” He gives me a wink and I just roll my eyes.
I know I would never hear the end of it from most boys my age if they knew I spent so much of my time fantasizing about a girl. But God, they don’t know her like I do. They don’t know what I’ve lost. And they don’t know how much I will slowly die inside every single day until I get her back.
With a frown, I wave goodbye to my father and take the steps to the school two at a time. All I can do now is hope like crazy this day goes by fast, because there is no way I can concentrate on school when my mind is wherever she is and hoping like crazy my dad’s lead takes us to her.
**********
I run all the way home from school and by the time I reach the house I am out of breath. Still having to climb two flights of stairs, I push myself the last couple steps as my legs almost give out when I reach the top landing. Stopping for a moment to ease my burning lungs, I look up and notice the front door is ajar.
That’s odd. Mom always makes sure and locks every door behind her. A habit I never understood, but one that is making more and more sense with all the moving we have done over the last couple years. When my breathing slowly begins reaching normal, I timidly take the few steps to the door and push it open. A breeze blows in from the open slider door across the room, and when my eyes adjust to the dimly lit room I’m immediately filled with horror.
The couch is thrown on its side. The coffee table overturned. Broken glass lays across the floor everywhere and a lamp lays on its side at my feet. My heart rate quickens as I take a single step inside. Looking to the right, I see blood on the floor and my eyes go wide in disbelief. With fear I quickly look behind me and wonder if I should run for it. Leave and get the police. But my feet have a mind of their own as they carry me further into the apartment and I turn the corner to the kitchen.
