‘Yeah, so did I,’ Rebecca muttered. ‘It’s not like I don’t like babies, or kids. I do. I love them, and I love Lila and Micah. I just,’ she shook her head. ‘I just don’t know if I can have another. I mean, I’m mid-thirties—’ She stopped abruptly and cut her eyes to Laurel. ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry, Rebecca,’ she said. ‘This is about what you want, not me. Besides, mid-thirties isn’t late to have kids anymore. There are plenty of first-time parents in their late thirties, forties, fifties.’
Rebecca looked to the sky for divine inspiration.
‘But it’s classed as a geriatric pregnancy.’
Laurel bristled.
‘Well, perhaps they need to rethink the name for it,’ she said indignantly. ‘There is nothing wrong with having a baby at your age, or older.’
Laurel put her hand over Rebecca’s, bringing her back to earth.
‘But it has to be what you want, and it doesn’t seem like it is?’
‘I’m so selfish, aren’t I?’ Rebecca’s chin wobbled. ‘It’s supposed to be a joint decision, equal weight. Me and Jack together.’
‘But it’s not like Jack has to be pregnant, is it?’ Laurel said softly.
Rebecca had been so big, so tremendously uncomfortable and had been prescribed multiple bouts of bed rest throughout her pregnancy with the twins. Some women glowed and enjoyed their pregnancies. Rebecca, however, had been a whale, and the birth? Well, let’s just say it was traumatic for all involved.
‘Jack was so excited. He said it would be amazing for the twins to have a little brother or sister,’ there was a catch in Rebecca’s throat, ‘and I feel so guilty, so bad, because it would be.’ Rebecca turned to face Laurel, her eyes shining with tears, pleading for understanding. ‘I really don’t want to have another baby.’
‘Oh Rebecca,’ Laurel said, reaching for her.
‘You remember before?’ Rebecca continued.
Laurel remembered the bleeding, the sleepless nights. Then, when the twins were born, Rebecca’s utter exhaustion. Now she looked back at it, she suspected that Rebecca had some post-natal depression, and Laurel bitterly regretted not spotting it in her friend at the time.
‘It will be like that but worse, because I’ll already have the twins to deal with,’ Rebecca whispered through choking sobs. ‘I already miss out on so much of them with work. The nanny takes them to swimming, drama club, school. I do as much as I can, but I’m on track for partner and work is important to me. It’s important to the family, because, no offense, we can’t live on Jack’s wages.’
‘None taken at all.’ There wasn’t much money to go around.
Farming was a tough life. You didn’t just marry the farmer, you married the land, the way of life. Jack couldn’t take time off to take the kids to school, take them to their clubs in the evening. Jack didn’t get weekends to himself, he didn’t get holidays. Sure, there was more help now that Laurel had managed to hire some farmhands, but Jack was Jack. He didn’t know any other way of life. Rebecca and him had argued endlessly over it when the twins were babies, but nothing changed. It had been a rough couple of years for them.
Rebecca pulled back from Laurel and wiped her face.
‘If I have another child, I’ll be off for six months to a year, and then there’s the night feeds and the sleeping. And what if I have twins again?’ She shook her head. ‘The kids are in school now and I thought this would be time for me, and time for Jack and I to be a couple again, now the twins are older.’
‘Did you tell him this last night?’ Laurel asked, holding Rebecca’s hand tightly.
‘I was too shocked, I thought he was on the same page as me. We hadn’t discussed it explicitly, but how would it work? That he would carry on living his life and then there’s me, giving up everything, accommodating everyone, doing everything.’ Rebecca was getting angry now, her tears turning from sorrow to rage. ‘Again? Does he even understand and appreciate what I did with Lila and Micah? What I still do?’
‘You need to have a conversation with him, Rebecca,’ Laurel pressed.
‘I’m being so selfish.’ Her shoulders slumped.
Laurel took a breath. ‘Rebecca, you are an incredible mother, an incredible wife. Lila and Micah are the luckiest children in the world to have you,’ she said.
Rebecca nodded, sniffing.
‘Youbothhave to want another baby, and it seems that you don’t.’
‘I don’t, Laurel. I really don’t.’ Rebecca shuddered, saying it so bluntly out loud.
‘Then you have to talk to Jack about it, you have to explain. He’ll understand, won’t he?’ He would have to understand, otherwise Laurel would beat it into him.
‘I don’t know,’ Rebecca shrugged. ‘He was so excited last night.’
