I kept going, arriving at the flower fields, but all I could see was the image of Olivia’s gorgeous naked body splayed out on her yellow-and-white-daisy duvet, surrounded by even more flowers on the walls. I ran a hand through my hair. This walk was not helping matters at all. My nose itched. I’d also forgotten to take my antihistamines for the past few days.
I needed to talk things through with someone. Someone who was not a cow. And I needed to get away from the flowers.
I pulled out my phone. It was 8:30 a.m. With any luck, Matt would have just dropped Lottie off at school and be driving to work now. I dialed his number and began striding toward the apple orchard.
“Hi,” he answered, the noise of road traffic faint in the background.
I smiled. “Hi, how are you? Do you have time to talk?”
Matt cleared his throat. “Yep, I’m just on my way to work.” His voice sounded slightly rough.
I frowned. “Is everything okay?”
He sighed. “Yeah, I just had a stressful morning. Don’t know if you saw the news, but an army helicopter crashed near where Mel is stationed. Four casualties.”
My stomach turned heavy. “Shit, is she okay?” I’d been so caught up with my own worries that I hadn’t checked the news this morning.
“Yes, thank god. I just heard from her a few minutes ago, and she’s fine. But I spent the last two hours having breakfast with Lottie, getting her ready for school, and driving her there, trying to behave completely normally, all the while freaking out that it might have been Mel.”
My heart squeezed. “Oh my God, that must have been awful. I’m sorry, Matt.”
The rhythmic click of his turn signal sounded. “It was. I can’t wait until she’s home.”
I reached the apple orchards. Rows of apple trees, some already in bloom, stretched out before me. I inhaled the light sweet scent of the blossoms. The memory of Olivia’s floral scent hit me, its phantom molecules invading my nasal passages.Goddamnit.Guilt tugged at my chest as I realized I’d zoned out on the conversation with Matt.Focus.
“Any news on her application to come home early?”
“No. It’s not looking promising.” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, how are you doing? You must be thrilled about Fred’s investment coming through.”
I smiled, walking between two rows of leafy green trees. “It’s a huge relief.”
“I was looking forward to celebrating with you at Mom and Dad’s on Sunday night, but Mom said you were feeling tired.”
“Yes. I was exhausted.” I took a deep breath and braced myself. Matt was the only person I spoke to about my personal life, but even with him it could be a struggle. “Olivia and I… well, we slept together on Friday night and spent the weekend together.”
Matt did a slow whistle. “Wow! So… are you together now?”
“No.” I stopped, inspecting a cluster of soft pink apple blossoms up close. “It was supposed to be a raincheck on the one-night stand we missed out on that night at Pryde—it turns out she never got my message—but then it just… kept going. I started to worry she wanted something more serious and I may have freaked out a little and rushed away.” I stabbed the toe of my shoe into the dirt.
There was a pause. “Are you sure it wasn’t becauseyouwanted something more serious?”
My brow furrowed. “No. Of course not.”
“It’s just…” The turn signal sounded again. “Since you two started your fake-dating shenanigans, you’ve been the happiest I remember seeing you in a long time, even with all the stress of the farm. Your face lights up when you talk about her—and you talk about her a lot, by the way.”
A bee landed on an apple blossom, drinking its fill of nectar.
I swallowed. “We’re friends. That’s all.”
“Uh-huh. Friends who have been basically dating for weeks—bike rides, trivia nights, clothes shopping—and spent the whole weekend in bed?” Matt’s voice softened. “Look Roz, I understand why you’re wary about getting serious with her, after what happened with Sadie, but I can confidently say that Olivia isn’t Sadie, and you’re also not the person you were fifteen years ago.”
I pressed my lips together and kicked a rock down the row of apple trees. It hit a root and bounced behind a trunk, disappearing out of sight. It was true that I couldn’t imagineOlivia manipulating and gaslighting me and, in the unlikely event she did, I’d be much better equipped to identify it and extricate myself quickly. But that wasn’t all I was worried about.
“Even if there’s no love-bombing involved, what if it’s all just infatuation, and Olivia wakes up one morning and realizes she’s not into me after all? Or I wake up and realize the same?” Pain stabbed my chest as it tightened. I couldn’t go through that all again.
“It could be infatuation, or it could be genuine, very strong attraction. If you pursue the relationship, you’ll work it out one way or another soon enough. Either the attraction will grow, or the infatuation will fade away. Does it really make sense to stop a relationship because you’re worried you might be into her too much?”
I frowned. “The farm is at a critical point right now. I can’t let myself get distracted by a real relationship. A fake relationship was hard enough. Not to mention there’s an eleven-year age gap. We’re at different stages of life. She still hasn’t even told her family or friends that she’s queer.”
