Page 64 of The Last Train Home
He’s stepped forward. If he comes any closer I think I’m going to collapse. I don’t know how my legs are holding me up. ‘Yes, yes, I do love you.’Oh God, make it stop. Why am I doing this?
Tom breathes in sharply, rubs his hand over the stubble on his face. I’m pressed against the fridge. I’ve got nowhereto go, to get away from this awful situation I’ve just created. Why did I have to do this?
‘Say something,’ I beg. ‘Even if you’re only telling me to get out.’
‘I’m not going to tell you that,’ he says after a painfully long silence in which he’s been analysing the floor.
I’m not sure what I expect him to do. What can he do? We can’t do anything. Even though we can’t do anything, I simply want to hear him say—
‘I love you.’ He’s running his teeth over his lower lip and he’s lifted his gaze, staring straight at me.
Tom loves me. Everything feels brighter. And now I know it’s about to get darker.
‘I’m in love with you,’ he says, his gaze holds mine, and I know tears are about to come again and I can’t let them. I do my absolute best to stop the lump in my throat from getting the better of me. He’s looking at me, his expression pained. He looks like he’s got tears in his eyes. And mine arrive again, because my eyes blur and I can’t see him any more, only a faint outline. I blink the tears away.
He steps forward and gently touches my cheek, silently wiping my tears away with his fingertips.
‘Abbie,’ he says and his voice catches.
‘I know,’ I soothe.
He doesn’t speak, just watches me. I want him to kiss me. I don’t want him to kiss me. I wish I’d never come here.
‘We can’t …’ His gaze drifts towards my mouth.
‘I know,’ I repeat. But I don’t know. I don’t know anything any more.
On the mat Teddy wakes, cries out for Tom, and I watch this man I love back away from me slowly, reluctantly, before his gaze disconnects from mine and he turns towards his son.
‘It’s OK, Teddy,’ he says, ‘Daddy’s here.’ He moves around the kitchen island towards his baby.
I’m a mixture of emotions. Bereft, devastated, relieved we didn’t go further. I think of Sean. ‘Oh God,’ I say.
Tom picks Teddy up, soothing him gently.
What happens now? Nothing. Tom and I were almost friends again. Now we can’t be anything to each other. We can’t risk it.
‘I have to go,’ I say.
‘Not like this. Wait. Just give me five minutes to sort Teddy and we can talk.’
‘No,’ I reply, walking towards the door. ‘What is there to say? We can’t be together. This is your life,’ I say to him, gesturing to his house. ‘You’re getting married, you have a child. I’m going to leave,’ I say and I’m in the hallway, heading towards the front door.
‘Don’t,’ he pleads. He’s at a disadvantage, holding a squirming ten-month-old, but he’s still faster than I am. His hand grabs hold of mine as I reach out to open the front door. ‘Abbie,’ he says. ‘Wait. Please. We can sort this.’
I pause. He so very nearly has me. But I don’t know what we can do to sort this.
‘I can’t,’ I whisper. My throat is tight as I try not to burst into tears.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he says after a second or two. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m fucking everything up again.’
‘Don’t, Tom. This is my fault. I’m sorry I came tonight. I’m sorry I told you.’
I open the door and leave, walk down the path, towards the gate. Behind me he calls out, ‘Abbie, don’t get on that plane. Please! Let’s talk about this.’
But I’m already running down the road, away from Tom, as I allow myself to cry.
Chapter 43
